When parents first separate, it is not unusual for children to show some
negative reactions. The following may be a useful guideline to help you
understand how your child might respond to the change in your relationship
with the other parent. Though there are no firm rules to apply, keep in mind
that your child’s world has dramatically been changed and he/she will likely
have an adverse reaction to that change.
* Infants and toddlers. Babies tend to reflect their mother’s mood, so how a
mother handles the separation will often play a key role in how the baby
responds. Generally, babies sense tension in the home and many become
irritable and clingy. They also tend to regress, losing recent developmental
skills they have mastered.
* Preschoolers. Preschool kids tend to have a particularly tough time with
separation because they often think they were the cause of the breakup. Since
preschoolers often do not have words to go with their feelings, they may act
out. They may regress and return to thumb sucking or security blankets. They
may have a fear of abandonment, reasoning that if one parent can leave, so can
the other. For this reason, preschoolers may not want to go to sleep or sleep
alone because they do not want to be apart from the custodial parent.
* Five-to eight-year-olds. Children of this age often worry about losing one
of their parents and will show a deep longing for that parent. Typically, the
child might want to know "Who is taking care of Daddy/Mommy?" They may
fantasize that the parent will be returning any day or may often believe they
can somehow rescue the marriage or relationship. Children of this age may sob
openly or withdraw. They also may refuse to go to school. In fact, studies
show that many children this age may show a decline in school performance.
* Eight-to ten-year-olds. This age group may respond with anger to their
parents’ separation, aligning themselves with the "good" parent against the
"bad" one. Eight-to ten-year-olds may often make harsh judgments, often
resulting in accusing their parents of being mean or selfish. They may
complain of headaches or stomachaches. Chronic conditions, like asthma, are
often intensified. Both school performance and peer relationships may suffer,
and some children may resort to lying and stealing to vent their frustration.
If any of your child’s reactions become of concern for you, consider child
counseling. You can enlist the support of groups at your child’s school or
your religious institution designed for children of separation. Pediatricians
can also monitor your child’s physical and emotional reactions and, when
necessary, make a referral to a therapist.