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Dear Dr. Lynn, -- 08/20/2002
I don’t get it.
Dear Dr Lynn,
Is there anyone out there who is separating even though they have what seems the perfect spouse & they are just not in love w/ that person anymore? (i feel SO guilty!) Bobbi
I don’t get it, and neither do you. Evidently, if you are considering divorce, he’s not perfect, or not perfect for you. So, somehow, you are fooling yourself. My guess is that you are not fighting about what angers you, talking about what hurts you, and in general not communicating, nor are you making love. In other words, your marriage has gone dead. And, we don’t even know how long you have been married. And, dear Bobbi, are you talking about love or lust? Get help before you make such a life-altering decision.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Dear Dr. Lynn, -- 07/26/2002
Mr. Not So Perfect
Hi,Doc,
My wife Is leaveing, and I don't know what to do. We,ve been together for 9 years and she seems like she woke up one day unhappy. I am the type of guy that always told her she was Gods gift to me and this earth,always tried to make her feel special. I always kept her guessing about what was next. Everyone Says that I should move on but I knowI LOVE her.We meet at a young age now we have 3 kids and a life. I know how bad things can get when you start out so young. If I can deal with it why can't she. It seem that she is takeing the easy way out. I don't want to sound crazy but I don't want to be one of the many people you read about In the paper. All our kids & I want is our love back. She can't go on forever doing this its tearing us all apart. I know see has alot on her plate but it dose'nt give her the right to push us all aside. Shes lost all her friends, Family , Respect , because she is doing this but I am still here waiting for my love to return. She has one friend left. Why can't she see the forest for the trees?
Either you’ve been blind and really imperfect or she is immature, or both. Either way, stop waiting and start acting. Both of you must get counseling. Whatever may happen in the future, both of you will continue to parent, so you may as well learn what has happened and how to fix it. If the you don’t open your eyes and she doesn’t stop acting out you and your kids will suffer—and they don’t deserve that. Start talking to each other now. Sounds as if you’ve got a forest between you.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/25/2002
Unhappy With My Response.
Dear Dr. Lynn,
I'm a bit surprised that your answer to a woman who's husband has left to live with his mistresses is, "to just move on". To say the husband and his sideshow have nothing wrong and are only looking for happiness on their own is deplorable. Running out on a 20 year marriage because the grass may be a little greener is horrible. Marriages are like lighters now? Just disposable when the flame get a little low...How very sad for humanity.
I couldn’t agree more, how sad for humanity. But reality is reality and suicide is not the answer.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/25/2002
Intrusive Mother
Dear Dr. Lynn
My son, age 20, is engaged to a soon to be 18 year old. His girlfriend's adoptive mother (who is her aunt) is very jealous of the relationship and is often very verbally abusive towards the girl. The mother does not want involvement with me and therefore takes her frustrations out on the couple. I need to find out how she can seek emanupation from her parents. She is a graduate of high school, has a full-time job, her own transportation as well as saving and checking account and is a very responsible individual. She is looking to live within my home and is more than welcome to do so.Her mother's attitude is causing problems everywhere. Her home, my home and that of friends and family. We need a desperate answer to this dilemma. Please help!!! Donna
Your soon to be daughter-in-law is very young. It is up to the bride-to-be to continue to grow up and to continue her emancipation process. The best you can your son can do is to be supportive of her in her efforts. But, it is not your fight to be fought. Love her and say little about the issue.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/25/2002
Irrational Fear.
Dear Dr. Lynn,
I have been married for three years; we have been together for seven as a couple and have two beautiful kids (2 yrs and 6 mos) together.
The problem is this: my wife refuses to let my father have physical contact with my children. She has a history of panic disorder, and while she claims "this feels different", she fully admits that it is an irrational fear and that my father has not done anything to our kids. Because the fear reaction is set off regardless of whether or not she's actually present (the mere knowledge that he'll be around them starts the reaction going) we battle even if I try to arrange a visit between him and kids in her absence.
This is destroying my kids relationship with my father, my relationship with my father and brother, my relationship with my wife, and above all that, my own sanity. I am constantly on edge, wound tight and have to be on a constant vigil to not snap at my kids when they do things that while aggravating are, after all, just kids being kids. I was not this way a year ago before this really became an issue.
I have repeatedly said that I would stand by her in any therapy necessary, and I have tried to get us both to a family therapist, but every solution is driven by me and she fights it every step.
I do not want to get a divorce. This one issue is destroying us from the inside out, though, and I fear that leaving the marriage may be the only way to have a 'normal' life for my kids. And I fear that if she can develop this sudden anxiety about my own father, then who is next? Tim
I am not sure what you mean by physical contact? Do you mean touching or just being in their physical presence? Children usually benefit from having good grandfathers. Your wife’s fears, if truly without basis, are irrational and she does need help. And, these are your children too. If she won’t talk to you or seek counseling and/or medication, I suggest you go by your self. This situation cannot continue. And, are you really sure this is the only issue between you? I bet that if you dig, you will find that more help is needed. Do whatever you can to encourage her to get it.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/25/2002
Bad Dad.
Dear Dr. Lynn,
I am a father of two in the state of Connecticut is there any law that says I have to see my children? Rich
Nope, no law can force you to do what you know you should. But, why don’t you simply do what is right and avoid hurt, hassle and a metaphoric hanging?
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/25/2002
Shared Custody
Dear Dr. Lynn,
My wife and I are in the midst of a divorce. We have two children betweem us and she has another daughter from a previous relationship. I love all three of my children very much and am interested in pursuing shared custody of at least my two and, if possible the third. I'm concerned about any drawbacks to going that route. I've found it difficult to find articles online about the subject, but those that I have have been fairly positive. I'm just concerned that it would be a shock to the children to go from one home to another each week or month. Would the pros outweigh the cons and what are they?
Thank you,
Ross
Shared custody is becoming a more popular and accepted outcome of divorce. The pros depend upon how consistent you and your ex can be. If you can’t keep your commitments, don’t try to co-parent. If you can, sure, go for it. If your children are teenagers or older, they might want input into the process and solution. If you haven’t already adopted her daughter from her prior marriage, you may not have much luck in the courts if you request to co-parent her, although several weeks ago California handed down a ruling that placed behavior over biology to define a dad. For more information, check out my article on father’s day
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/25/2002
Get a Lawyer.
Dear Dr.D.
thank you, my question is this: my husband and I have been separated 10 months-our divorce will be final in august. Anyway, we have 2 credit cards that are joint accounts-in both our names-one was opened in 1996 and the other was opened one month prior to him leaving. He has now met himself a girlfriend and he is making my life hell....anyway-he was totally aware of these 2 credit cards-but I will admit-the balance upon both are due to me...anyway-he sent a letter to the credit card companies stating that he had no idea I opened these accounts.He told them that in order for them to be joint I had to forge his name-which was not the case-and he is asking them to prosecute me for forgery. To make a long story shorter-this is not true-how do I go about to prove that I did not, nor ever will forge his name for anything? How do I handle this? Lisa
You need a good attorney, not a psychologist.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/14/2002 Get on With Your Life. Dear Dr.Lynn, I'm bewildered. My husband told me he was leaving me the day I got home from a near fatal suicide attempt. He and a younger coworker moved into together the same day. Its been 8 months. I asked them if they felt any guilt or remorse for the pain they caused me. They both said "No, why should we?" No guilt, remorse, or shame is felt. They don't care if I'm partially disabled, will never work again and that bitch feels nothing for moving right in on my husband of 20 years. How is that possible? Is that humanly possible? My ex has never offered,in 8 months, to help me out with anything here at our home. He grips about paying me (quite a contrast from the day he walked out claiming that "You will always be well taken care of." How? By the Salvation Army? He makes $77K/yr and won't part with a dime for me without multiple complaints! Please help me to understand some of this. "SHE" makes $60K/yr so they are doing just fine! What is wrong with people like this? Please help!! Julie
Suicide is often a desperate attempt to get what you can’t have. In this case, your attempt didn’t work. True, you need help, but your rage and feeling like a victim wont get you what you need. Let go of your ex and get counseling help. If your ex owes you money, or you need medical care, seek a lawyer or advocacy organization. There is little wrong with these people. They merely want a chance at their own happiness. Now, you need to find a way to have your chance at happiness as well. Blame won’t get you where you need to go. Give it up.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/11/2002 Don’t force your son. Hello: Dr.Lynn, I was separated from my husband in 12/95 and finally filed for divorce 2/2000. During the years we were separated, he never sought visitation with our child. Neither did he pay child support except in the form of paying the child school fees. Our divorce was finalized in 11/2000, during that process he was giving visitation rights and was told to pay child support. During 11/2001 - February 2002, my exhusband never kept in contact with the child or followed through with visitation as set out in the divorce. Our child is now 11 years old. He will be 12 yrs old in December. March of 2002 his father apologized for not doing the right thing and wants to have visitation with the child as set out in the divorce. I have no problems with him visiting with his father but our child sometimes refuses to go as set out in the visitation per the divorce. My ex-husband in now taking me to court, he thinks I should force our son to go. I encourge him, but I will not force him. What are your thoughts about this? What do you think the courts reponse will be like?
Don’t force your son. And the court’s response will in part, depend on how competent your attorney’s argument will be.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/1/2002 What do I tell the children? Dear Dr. Lynn, my husband and i have been seperated 9 months we have a 9 and 11 year old he has moved in with his girlfriend of 4 months and wants our kids to spend weekends with them my kids are very confused since dad and i are still married what do i say to them. : frostie
Ask you husband to wait and give the kids time to adjust. They need him as their dad right now. If he refuses, get some counseling for all of you. If he won’t go, get help for your kids. If you don’t know where to go for help, ask your children’s school for a recommendation. The children are being rushed too fast.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/1/2002 A long saga, but she wants the kids. Dear Dr. Lynn, The judge who decided out custody issue has made a temporary judgement, giving my husband primary custody (I get them 5 full days out of 14, so in actually, the children's time is split pretty evenly between me, my ex, and my ex's babysitter). I really think my lousy lawyer cost me primary custody. I think if he had done a better job questioning witnesses for both sides, and if he had gotten more detailed information from my LSCW I was seeing for counsling, the judge would have had a more accurate picture of my mental condition. I am currently on SSDI benefits for depression and attention and concentration problems. I have been the primary caregiver for the children since their birth--they are almost 5 and 3 1/2. It was very clear that my husband was trying to get custody of the children to get out of paying child support and also to hurt me. He and a couple of his friends told some pretty wild stories about me not properly caring for the children, etc. I could have had NUMEROUS witnesses to testify about the "exemplary" (the word one person who knows me and the children very well used) care I give my children. My lawyer didn't call them. Anyway, I had gone off medication (Effexor XR, Topamax (for migraines), and Adderall) back in October (because of multiple side effects and financial reasons) I quit going to my counselor for financial reasons--my last visit was in December--during which we discussed the fact that I seemed to be doing better off the medication and I was getting free, but competent counseling from some people from my church. My LCSW thought all that was OK as long as I monitored myself for signs of a recurrence of symptoms of depression. The letter I had from my counselor saying that I am capable of caring for my children and there is no reason (in his professional opinion) that I should be denied full custody of the children was dated Oct. 8--before made the changes in my treatment. The problem was, my husband claimed that I abruptly went off medications, against medical advice, quit getting counseling against medical advice, that I was "like Andrea Yates" and that the children would not be safe with me. In the judges orders she advised me to immediately begin regular visits to my psychiatrist and LCSW. She gave me plenty of alimony to do so. My psychiatrist told me I am taking a "big risk" by choosing to remain off medications. I don't think she realized what a difference my lifestyla changes have made--I'm no longer subjected to my husband's abusive behavior, I have friends and a strong support system, I have been getting regular chiropractic visits which have helped me in many more ways than I can count, etc. I am functioning SO MUCH better off meds, than off and I could have had no fewer than 5 people testify to that fact. I am still not ready to take on full-time employment. I'm checking into some part-time work opportunities. Ii know that as long as I am on disability for "mental problems" it will count against me, even thought the SSA did not evaluate me on my parenting ability. Do you think I should go back on drugs just because the psychiatrist (whom I see 5 minutes at a time) suggests it? Should I change psychiatrists or start going to a psychologist instead? Of course, a psychiatrist would push meds. That is what they DO! I originally went to her for ADD, and I was put on antidepressants first because many symptoms of ADD are the same as for depression. And I WAS depressed, too, due to an extremely stressful home environment. The judge REALLY didn't want to give the kids to my husband. I think it will be pretty easy to convince her that I don't need the meds and they were causing more harm than good (based on testimony of people who know me well and spend a lot of time with me). Lydia
You seem to know exactly what to do. Trust your own perception of how you are doing with and without medication and start therapy with someone reputable whom you trust and who can affirm you are a fit custodial parent. If you do better off drugs, you will both be able to attest to that fact in court. Then, get a new lawyer and return to court. But, in truth, are you really ready for full time parenting? Perhaps you can use this time to start working part-time to show how financially stable you are? Be consistent with your therapy and a get a very good attorney. And, take very good care of yourself. Your kids need you to be there for them.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/1/2002 Lost hi dr.d. im a disable vet was in army for 8 years and a acoholic i have not done anything to help my wife in 6 mounts we have 3 kids but the army gave me 26,000 when i got out wy wife has been working and i have done nothing becouse i was deprest couse of my disabilatys now my va beniffits are jest about to start and i feel beter and looking for work . well i see how much i hurt my wife over the years and want to make it up to her but now she is leaveing and going to live with her parents i want so bad to make up for the things i have done but now she say its to late should i jest let her go and wish her luck and give her everything we have or should i try even though she is leaveing to show her that i want to change and give her a good life i feel as though i can we still love eachother but her parents can saport her alot beter thay will wach the kids and her will not have to work confused should i let her leave with out trying to show her i can change. D.
If you have really changed, of course do everything you can to put up a good emotional fight. Show her you care. Do small things such as the dishes, buy her flowers, tell her you love her and most importantly be responsible and get a job. Hang in without drinking and be a good dad. But if you lose her, don’t be surprised. She’s been through a lot and she must be very tired, angry, let down and fed up. Without regaining her trust, you can't get her back. Are you ready to work that hard? Do you love her enough?
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D Question: -- 06/1/2002 Too much pain. Dr. I need to know how can I coup with the idea of devorce?How do people get through the pain especially with to kids? Ayesha
Divorce is almost always a crazy time filled with unbelievable pain. Get a support group, a women’s group, counseling, and if need be, a temporary prescription from a psychopharmocologist (a type of doctor) for medication that may help you. Time will ease the pain and you will survive. But is it awful for a while? Sorry to tell you. Yes it is. The good news is that you will survive.
Life is too hard to do alone, DR.D |
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