Synopsis: As a result of the increase in single-parent households, the development of new reproductive technologies, the inclusion or exclusion of grandparents, an increasingly complicated web of stepparents, half-brothers and -sisters, egg donors, and surrogate mothers has made what were once considered traditional family roles, responsibilities, and values increasingly confusing.

In an unusual custody decision, last week California’s Supreme Court ruled that Thomas’s legal father, who is no relation biologically to the young boy, will retain custody – against the mother’s wishes. This decision is one more rock paving the path of how our notion of “family” in America is changing — in the home, at school, and in the courtroom.

As a result of the increase in single-parent households, the development of new reproductive technologies, the inclusion or exclusion of grandparents, an increasingly complicated web of stepparents, half-brothers and -sisters, egg donors, and surrogate mothers has made what were once considered traditional family roles, responsibilities, and values increasingly confusing.

Until recently, fatherhood had always been determined by biology. Think daytime television episodes titled “Sally, Help Me Prove He Fathered My Baby! Blood Tests Never Lie.” Once DNA matching was developed, it was used increasingly to prove paternity, often to get child support. But as a result of the California decision, we have a new wrinkle. Does fathering behavior win over biology in defining parenthood? I debated endlessly on multiple radio and TV programs in favor of the merits of Elian Gonzales returning to his homeland with his biological father. There was never any doubt in my mind that a biological father had preemptive rights. Now, I am confused. This decision tells me that fatherhood can be determined more by behavior than biology. Puzzling, isn’t it?

Is the dad the one who has been footing the bills and taking the child to soccer or ballet lessons, or is the once deadbeat progenitor who sired the child and years later returned, the one who gets to be called “dad?” Divorced and blended families struggle with this issue constantly. And, if I am perplexed, just imagine the children in the middle of these shifting sands! Only one thing is sure: what was once an easy answer is no more.

Meanwhile, just as I can tell poor parenting when I see it, I can also spot good fathering a mile away. It may come in many guises and styles but there is no mistaking it the glowing aura surrounding a loving father.

My friend Gabre just became father to the beautiful Alessandra. Gabre, a high-power professional sits quietly for hours at a time, smiles and says, “I just hold her, look at her, and stare.”

When I asked my hairdresser Nuri, who held his first child, Emre, for the first time this week, how it felt to pick him up, Nuri replied with a glisten in his eye, “Like nothing else. He’s a part of me. I am already ready for another.”

My son Adam beamed at his firstborn, Ezra, eight weeks ago, and this week, my son-in-law Stephan held Samantha Rose in his arms — his fifth child and fourth daughter, a product of his second marriage. Stephan, although delighted, was already fretting about how he would manage to send “Sam” to college.

My son-in-law, Bob in his mid-forties is an active and supportive dad of six and eight year-old sons, products of an interracial marriage, one with special needs. A firm and playful dad, Bob’s children adore him.

Several weeks ago on my radio program, I interviewed Gordon and Kevin, a long-term committed gay couple, parents of the two-fathered Daniel. Daniel is a sturdy boy and a delightful child whose fathers helped him handle Mother’s Day by making cards for his grandmothers.

Clint, in his forties, survived the death of his biological child and went on to father two adopted sons. And then there’s the serious Frank, in his sixties, successful father of a grown daughter from his fist marriage, coping with two younger, adopted Ukrainian daredevils. Half the time exhausted, he still says he wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.

Jeff, in his fifties, is also age-appropriately tired, yet he spends endless hours coaching sports and spending the oft sought-after “quality time” with his boys. In wonderment, he talks about his eldest going on his first date. “How quickly it goes,” he muses.

And of course, my husband Michael unendingly parented – and continues to parent even 2500 miles away -- my often unwilling to be step-parented, adopted daughter, along with the rest of our lovingly dubbed “motley crew”, complete with 4 kids ranging from college age to parents themselves.

Which brings us back to Adam, Bob and Stephan. The new additions to these men’s families mean Michael is a grandfather several times over. Though naturally not an easily adept parent, he grew into the role of grandfather with abandon and joy. Beaming, he finds me to report that two and a half year-old Ali, far away in Texas, has just called him to say “I miss you grandpa.” I sense a visit shortly on the horizon.

But, unfortunately, not all fathers father well. Some deadbeat dads such as Bart abandon their offspring. He fled his daughters from both his first and second marriages. Wisely, in his third marriage, he opted not to sire again. Bill works day and night, more to avoid his family than to provide. And then there’s Harold, who doesn’t know how else to interact with his son than to place a resounding slap on his bottom every time he disobeys.

I remain confused about behavior trumping biology. It’s still a muddle to me. What I do know, though, is this: fathers, we women need more of you to open your hearts and be willing to sit and stare, work hard for years and to parent with us. For, mothers find it much too hard to parent alone. Fathers, enjoy today and, especially when time is limited, make sure that the opportunities to be with your children count.

Life is too hard to do alone,

Dr. D.

Dorree Lynn, PH.D.
Nationally Syndicated Talk Show Host of
On The Couch

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