My college age daughter is coming home from spring break. Years of my children's comings and goings have reminded me of some of the more common questions that parents often ask:

How do you know if usual back-to-school jitters are really more than that? When do you know if your child is experiencing a “school phobia?” What should be a parent's barometer? In that case, what do you do?

As always, it is a parent's task to learn to listen to the music behind his or her child's words. You know your own child and you are the best judge of how he or she operates. Trust your own knowledge. It is normal for children, especially young children, to have a bit of back-to-school jitters. They are leaving the safety of their home base to face the unknown. Just think of what it is for an adult to go job hunting or even undertake a new promotion with new tasks and new expectations. Your child's return to school, even when the classroom is a familiar one, is akin to an adult returning to a job after a vacation. There's always anticipation and a touch of anxiety. Even the familiar seems new and a touch scary.

If it is simply back to school to start a new semester or new grade, start way in advance--as the old semester or old year ends--talking about the upcoming transition. Think and talk positively about the new adventure, but at the same time, listen to your child's concerns and take them seriously. Explain that back to school jitters are normal and that everyone has them.

Go with your child to purchase something special for this occasion. No matter what your budget, whether it is a new pencil case or a new outfit, make the occasion special. Also, those first few days, be as present as you can and set aside time exclusively for your child. Spend time with your child to talk and to listen, and to talk and to listen still again. Try not to probe into their life. Just be available to your daughter or son.

If your child's jitters persist more than a week and especially more than a few weeks, meet the teacher and determine if there really is something wrong. Your child may be in an inappropriate classroom match for him or her. These occasions do happen and in such cases, you are your child's best advocate. Be proactive and don't take no for an answer. Your child needs you to be his or her ally, to stand up for them and to know that if your child is in the right, that you are both on the same team.

One of my own children had a terrible second grade, which got progressively worse and for a short while, her behavior became quite strange. She began to dress peculiarly, get "tummy aches" and she became increasingly unhappy. When I went to speak to those in charge at the school, they suggested I was off base, and that we should seek psychotherapy. I would have gladly done so if I had thought that they were right, but my gut said something else was going on. Even though I was a professional, I was faced with the same questions every non-professional parent has. Am I right or are they? Against the school's advice, I took my daughter for academic and psychological testing. She turned out to be bright and she was also severely dyslexic. She couldn't read a word in any book and had been memorizing everything in class. No wonder she was acting strangely. Remember, under stress we all regress. In the end, I changed her school and put her in a special school for LD kids where she blossomed. She now attends a standard university. She is enrolled in the school's LD (learning difference) program, where with requisite support, she continues to do well. If a problem does persist, seek professional help, both in and outside the school. I have and if need be, will continue to do so.

How do older kids, that is, middle and high school students, display anxiety about going back to school? What should parents do?

Older kids, pre-teen and high school age, are strongly influenced by their peers... They may act out, scream and fight with those with whom they feel safest -- you. Girls may want to go on buying binges. Both boys and girls may disappear and/or stay in their rooms with their doors closed long enough for you to wonder if they are still alive. And, the phone can easily become their best friend. This is a time for parents to walk a fine line. Teenagers need to feel they have their own space, yet they also require discipline, boundaries, and again, parental contact. If your teenager has a particular interest such as art, science, baseball or computer technology, foster it and keep your son or daughter focused. If your child has anxiety about returning to school, at this age it may be far more than academic anxiety. Your teenager may be facing concerns about self-esteem, which crowd will they belong to, hormones may be raging, drugs, alcohol, sex, cars and a myriad other concerns are probably happening. Again, close watch and conversation with your child as well as close communication with their school is a must. Educating a child in today's atmosphere is too much for either a parent or a school to do alone. You really do need to be involved. Counseling may be an asset as well. Remember Columbine! Tragedy doesn't always strike elsewhere. Know where your child spends her or his time. They may be old enough to be in the process of breaking away, but they are not old enough to be without parental supervision. These are rocky pre-teen and teenage years.

College age students are a different breed entirely. How does a parent cope?

Some college-age students are independent enough to enjoy returning home during vacations. Other young adults fear that they will be sucked back into parental control and as a result may behave badly. Others, are delighted to see mom and dad, drop off mounds of dirty laundry and gobble good food. Dorm food is rarely wonderful and the college diet of pizza, tacos and Chinese takeout usually leaves a craving for good home cooked meals. When a qausi adult returns home at this stage, they often bring with them many pushes and pulls. Do I get close to my siblings and friends only to have to leave them again? Where do I really belong? Or maybe all I want to do is sleep? What do I tell my parents about my boy friend, girl friend, sex life or lack there of? And do I love my parents and find them cool, or do they seem ancient, overbearing, and “out of touch” with reality?

I have parented children at every stage. All of my children, except my youngest, are married with homes of their own. I love my college-age daughter dearly and after each extended time-period that she is away, I become aware of how much she has changed. I know she is still in the process of growing into the person she will become. The night before she is due to arrive, I ponder, who will arrive this time, a child or a young adult? Or, in reality, will she be both?

Life is too hard to do alone,

Dr. D.

Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

These articles are provided for informational purposes only. No materials posted here are intended to constitute medical advice, which by necessity, must relate to each person's individual situation. This site does not constitute a patient-professional relationship. You are urged to seek help from a local mental health professional concerning your specific circumstances.

No information or materials posted here are intended to constitute legal advice, nor can we guarantee the accuracy of posted information, especially as to each individual situation. LawTek does not independently check the information contained herein and does not refer or endorse any product, service, or firm. This site does not constitute an attorney-client relationship; local counsel should always be consulted.