I wish everyone getting married, or even thinking about marriage, would realize how much effort goes into making a successful marriage. Contrary to popular opinion, winning marriages require a couple's undivided attention. In fact, growing and emotionally sustaining a marriage runs on the same premises as that of a successful small business partnership: if you want it to evolve, you have to commit a great deal of time and effort. Marriages require daily vigilance and smart spoken or unspoken contracts are one of the prices of sustaining love. Sometimes a simple “I love you” every now and again can have a lasting impact on the future of your relationship.

Last week on my Nationally Syndicated Radio Show On The Couch, divorce attorney Jim Gross and I discussed the importance of learning the tools required to sustain an enduring, marriage that remains vital and alive. We also delved into the opposite scenario; when a married couple finds themselves stuck in such rough waters, sometimes the most appropriate action is to leave the relationship. Although Jim is a divorce attorney, he agreed that divorce should only be used as a last resort for an unhappy marriage. After years of practice, Jim tends to talk himself out of business and he often finds himself acting the role of social worker. For example, Jim encourages people to troubleshoot and to talk about the reasons their marriage is in trouble and to seek therapy before they jump the boat.

When I see a couple in trouble claiming to be ready for a divorce, I encourage them to take baby steps to discover the source of the problem and to try to confront their issues and to make changes before they cut their final ties. Otherwise, the couple may overlook some of the intermediate treatment options for the relationship malignancy. It is unwise to go immediately from zero to sixty or from A to Z, without paying attention to the necessary micro changes before making macro decisions. It's a little like sex - first a couple may spend time with confusion, commitment, communication, contact and even conflict, before they get to the fun and the end goal of pleasure. Marriage, as with sex, is a totally encompassing experience, not merely an end product. Both Jim and I agreed that it usually takes about a year of hard psychological work before a couple knows whether or not they can save their marriage or are ready for divorce court. We conceptualized this for our listeners by calling it “couch and court.”

Interestingly, the state of Colorado seems to be thinking along the same lines. Their legislature is considering a mandatory one-year counseling experience for couples prior to granting a divorce. I am a traditionalist who believes in marriage, but also a realist who also understands that sometimes divorce can be the better decision. I have made that choice myself and although the years before during and after the decree were difficult ones, I have no regrets.

Divorce should never be a decision taken lightly. Usually with the community as witness, couples take marriage vows with intent to stay together forever. The fact that approximately fifty percent of first marriages do not, is indicative of, how little many of us know about ourselves and about the partners we choose. Many individuals have little experience and few role models to follow to know how to make a wise choice and once their choice is made, how to keep the relationship going well.

Recently, I worked with a couple who were about to get re-married, she for the second time and he for the third. They had both learned much about themselves and their partners from their prior marriages. In addition to therapy, together they took a comprehensive marriage education course at their church. The church course covered everything from paper-based personality tests indicating potential synergies and areas of potential conflict, to open and candid discussions about money, communication, value differences, attitudes toward children and a host of other reality- based issues that everyone in a marriage may face.

I wish everyone getting married, or even thinking about marriage would realize how much effort a good marriage takes. Contrary to popular PR that says marriage is a place of nurturance that simply survives by its self, growing and emotionally sustaining marriages run on the same premises as successful small business partnerships. Daily vigilance and spoken or unspoken contracts are the price of love. It is also essential to remember small kindnesses to cherish the other and to say, “I love you“ over and over again.

The question someone asked Jim was: “How do I get out of this crummy marriage?” Perhaps the best response is to first find out what makes it crummy. If after you do that, if it remains crummy, to quote Jim Gross: “Through a difficult and expensive process called divorce. Avoid it if possible. But sometimes you have no choice, either because your spouse wants a divorce, or because you made a mistake and need to correct it to have a better life.” But avoid it if you can.

Life is too hard to do alone,

Dr. D.

Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

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