Synopsis: Weddings are joyous affairs. When those time-honored vows are exchanged, most participants and guests go brain dead and for that moment believe that the marriage they are witnessing will be happily ever after. All the world loves a lover, and we feel wonderful to be caught up in love's romantic ideal. Few of us consider that we, or someone we care about, will end up being one more divorce statistic. In our hearts, we root to beat the odds. We want winners. We know the grave statistics on divorce. We know that a successful marriage is hard to come by, but at that magic moment we don't believe in anything but eternal happiness for ourselves and not for those whom we love. But, the dark side of marriage does exist and divorce does happen and when it does, it is a dreadful experience, one that leaves wounds never anticipated and scars that take a long time to heal. Statistics state that as many marriages disintegrate as last. If you watch the big or little screen, divorce may some comedic, “a piece of cake,” an opportunity for freedom and new growth. But, the truth is, as those who have been through the experience will attest, getting divorced more often feels like a razor's edge. Going through a divorce is an absolutely dreadful time But, perk up. Most people do heal and enter into new relationships. Most men and women have the opportunity to marry again and statistics show that the majority do. Viewed in this light, divorce can be thought of as a transition state between marriages. The trick is to learn what you need to learn during this transition, so that mistakes made the first time are not repeated the second time round.

Divorce Is A Dreadful Time

Weddings are joyous affairs. When those time-honored vows are exchanged, most participants and guests go brain dead and for that moment believe that the marriage they are witnessing will be happily ever after. All the world loves a lover and we feel wonderful to be caught up in love's romantic ideal. Few of us consider that we, or someone we care about, will end up being one more divorce statistic. In our hearts, we root to beat the odds. We want winners. We know the grave statistics on divorce. We know that a successful marriage is hard to come by, but at that magic moment we don't believe in anything but eternal happiness for ourselves and not for those whom we love. But, the dark side of marriage does exist and divorce does happen and when it does, it is a dreadful experience, one that leaves wounds never anticipated and scars that take a long time to heal. Statistics state that as many marriages disintegrate as last. If you watch the big or little screen, divorce may some comedic, “a piece of cake,” an opportunity for freedom and new growth. But, the truth is, as those who have been through the experience will attest, getting divorced more often feels like a razor's edge. Going through a divorce is an absolutely dreadful time. Getting to the point of being able to get a divorce usually requires running in psychological circles that tighten, loosen and tighten again until something inside you snaps. Getting to this point can make you feel as if you are going crazy, and for a period of time, some people do flip out. Others, manage to keep functioning but inside they may feel like a raging river ready to explode. Anyone who has been left knows the feeling of a knife in the gut. And, anyone who leaves, knows the sense of immediate euphoria followed by emotions more complex than they ever anticipated. Suddenly you have feelings that you have never had before. Dreams of murder or suicide can occur. An affair with someone you might never have looked at twice seems like the perfect thing to do. You can get so depressed that getting out of bed is more than you can bear. Accidents are common and driving is just plain dangerous. I cannot tell you how often I have asked individuals in the middle of a divorce to take taxis, public transportation or have a friend drive them to and from where they have to go. Driving under duress has a way of making your mind wander and before you realize it, you re lost in reverie and probably in actuality as well. Almost everyone goes through a blue period where hateful thoughts just seem to creep into your everyday life. One moment you want your spouse dead. The next you can't remember anything that is wrong with them and even a momentary smile seems enough reason for you to stay. Injustices that loomed large a moment ago, now seem forgivable and you can't even remember why they bothered you in the first place. You dreamed of happily ever after and instead what is happening feels like a nightmare that will never end. And if you have children, there is guilt. How can you break up the family? You never wanted your kids to be products of a broken home. And what about money? Most divorces leave both parties poorer than before. How can you survive, you wonder? During a divorce, you often don't know if you will sink or swim. Nothing seems stable, least of all you. Divorce disorients. Everything you have always believed is open to question. The pain seems so endless, it is hard to believe you will ever feel whole again. This process rarely takes less than a year and it can take more. But, perk up. Most people do heal and enter into new relationships. Most men and women have the opportunity to marry again and statistics show that the majority do. Divorce can be viewed as a transition state between marriages. The essential element, is to learn what you need to learn during this transition, so that mistakes made the first time are not repeated the second time round. This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

On The Couch with Dr. Dorree Lynn FAMILY LAW Advisor® HOME PAGE These articles are provided for informational purposes only. No materials posted here are intended to constitute medical advice, which by necessity, must relate to each person's individual situation. This site does not constitute a patient-professional relationship. You are urged to seek help from a local mental health professional concerning your specific circumstances. No information or materials posted here are intended to constitute legal advice, nor can we guarantee the accuracy of posted information, especially as to each individual situation. LawTek does not independently check the information contained herein and does not refer or endorse any product, service, or firm. This site does not constitute an attorney-client relationship; local counsel should always be consulted. © 2000 LawTek Media Group, LLC all rights reserved

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