Synopsis: I do not advocate divorce as a first step when a marriage is going awry. There are always ups-and-downs in a long-term relationship. Anyone can manage life during good times. It is getting through the bad times that makes or breaks a relationship. But, if you have tried everything and your marriage is still not working, it is not unreasonable to consider getting out. Think about whether or not you are really staying only for the children, or is it perhaps because you are too afraid of being on your own, or because it hurts to break up your family, or is it because are you wondering what people will say? Divorce is always painful and does leave scars. So does a bad marriage. If you sacrifice for the sake of your children, make sure you have something left for yourself. You will need it in the future. Too many painful letters have told me so.

Staying Together For The Sake Of The Children Can Be A Big Mistake

Over the years, I have received many letters written by men and women, though primarily woman, who have stayed in loveless or abusive marriages for the sake of the children. They have sacrificed themselves, their needs and wants in the genuine belief that they are doing what is best for their family. Once the children are grown and are out of the house, the parent then chose to separate and/or get a divorce. The letters tend to express shock, hurt, and rage and a total lack of comprehension for the ensuing results. The children turn on the spouse who stayed for "the sake of the children," often expressing blame and anger at them and at times cutting them out of their lives all together. The parent who sacrificed their life for their family feels worse than unappreciated, they are devastated. Although I am committed to family values and I although I believe that couples accept the lure of divorce to solve a difficult or unhappy situation far too quickly, I am opposed to staying together for the sake of the children AFTER a couple has gotten professional help or tried to work out their differences. Most individuals marry precisely because they are different and their differences, when used well, complement each other. When a marriage works well, two halves do make a whole. Unfortunately, all too often the very qualities that once appeared so appealing, over time become traits that you or your partner believes needs changing. In fact, there is an old adage that goes: Men marry hoping their wives won't change, women wed a project. Sometimes the dynamics can be reverse. Think about it. As an example, if you are someone who requires an orderly home and therefore spent all your time cleaning and you married a partner just like yourself, both of you would spend your lives doing nothing but sweeping the floor or dusting the furniture or paying bills. Instinctively, you probably had the good sense to wed someone who is exactly the opposite and who would rather have a good time, live in chaos or go to a movie than care about an orderly life. Before you know it you feel, to paraphrase a line from My Fair Lady, "Why can't he/she be more like me?" The honeymoon is over, there are children to take care of, jobs to go to, food and clothing to be bought, communication goes, love gets buried, sex is all but forgotten and loneliness, discord or icy anger has replaced the passion and love you once shared. Marriage is hard work, daily hard work. As the marines say, "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance." Why would anyone think marriage is easy and just flows and goes by itself? Few individuals grow up knowing how to communicate and work at what may be the most complex task of their lives. Just think about what it is like to live with your own ever changing moods, then add you partner's and a few kids and it is a wonder that any marriage survives joyfully.. So, to get back to my initial point. If your marriage isn't going well, get good professional help and learn why and how to change it. Learn about the myths, illusions, and shoulds you each bring with you from your own family history. Remember, every marriage starts with at least six people in the bed---you, your parents and whomever else influenced you along the way. If after learning, changing and working at the relationship, you still can't make your marriage work, then it is time to consider whether or not you simply made a mistake. It may be time to leave. But, what about the children? I disagree with those such as Dr. Laura and others who proselytize the fairy tale that children do better with two parents no matter what the situation. There is absolutely no evidence that children do better living in an unloving marriage than they do living with two divorced but happier parents. Children instinctively pick up the unspoken and true messages of the quality of the relationship. Children stop sleeping, get ill, have trouble in school and act out when their parents are faking it. They do know the difference. When a parent stays in a marriage for the sake of the children, they put a terrible burden on the children. It is too much to ask a child to be the only glue that holds a family together. When parents who have wanted a divorce all along, finally get one after the children have left home, the children feel betrayed and lied to. They also feel angry that the myth of the perfect family has been broken. They wonder what has been true and what has been a lie. They also, though this is far from rational, resent the fact that if you have stayed together so long, why would you bother to separate after they have gone. Even grown-up children tend to be quite self-centered in their outlook, partially because you have helped make them that way. They think, if you have sacrificed for them all along, why won't you continue to do so? They will always want their home to come home to. I do not advocate divorce as a first step when a marriage is going awry. There are always ups-and-downs in a long-term relationship. Anyone can manage life during good times. It is getting through the bad times that makes or breaks a relationship. But, if you have tried everything and your marriage is still not working, it is not unreasonable to consider getting out. Think about whether or not you are really staying only for the children, or is it perhaps because you are too afraid of being on your own, or because it hurts to break up your family, or is it because are you wondering what people will say? Divorce is always painful and does leave scars. So does a bad marriage. If you sacrifice for the sake of your children, make sure you have something left for yourself. You will need it in the future. Too many painful letters have told me so. This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

On The Couch with Dr. Dorree Lynn FAMILY LAW Advisor® HOME PAGE These articles are provided for informational purposes only. No materials posted here are intended to constitute medical advice, which by necessity, must relate to each person's individual situation. This site does not constitute a patient-professional relationship. You are urged to seek help from a local mental health professional concerning your specific circumstances. No information or materials posted here are intended to constitute legal advice, nor can we guarantee the accuracy of posted information, especially as to each individual situation. LawTek does not independently check the information contained herein and does not refer or endorse any product, service, or firm. This site does not constitute an attorney-client relationship; local counsel should always be consulted. © 2000 LawTek Media Group, LLC all rights reserved

Suggest this page to a friend.

http://www.divorcenet.com/relations/otc-37.html