What if my stepchildren don't like me? More often than not, stepchildren start off not accepting a step parent or disliking them This is due to many factors. They often have an allegiance to their biological parent and may be afraid of feeling that they are abandoning them, them no matter how much they may secretly like you. Stepchildren need time to test you and slowly get to know you. You need to affirm that you will not take their parent's place and replace their mom or dad. The beginning period of blending a stepfamily can require more patience than you ever imagined. So, practice patience, not perfection. Being a good step parent is an earned gift, not an automatic right. Remember, hard as it may be, they did not choose you, their parent did, therefore they don't HAVE TO like you. Stepchildren come as part of their parent's package. However, they do have to respect you as their father's or mother's new spouse and it is primarily their biological parent's task to make it clear that they have chosen you and "claimed" you as their new partner. You cannot mandate like or love, but you and their parent can insist on respect. If over time, they still don't like you. You may have to investigate the reasons and as a new family, seek professional help. Perhaps you or your spouse have to do some changing of your own, or your expectations may be unrealistic. I can clearly remember my stepdaughter informing me that: "You will never be my mom and don't even try. I will tolerate you for my dad's sake, barely." I responded by telling her I would never try to take the place of her mom and that over time I hoped we would learn enough about each other to see what kind of relationship we wanted. I assured her, that I would work at doing so, whatever she did. It took several years to develop a genuinely caring relationship. Recently, I received a beautiful silver box from her inscribed with "love." She calls me mom 2 or mom too. What if I really don't like my stepchild? This is a very common and difficult experience. Again, you chose your spouse because you loved them. This does not mandate you will love or even like his/her child/children. One of the most difficult aspects of blending a family is that your values may be very different from those the child comes with, making liking or bonding difficult. If you dislike the child in the beginning, you too may be reacting out of insecurity or a sense that your new spouse loves the child more than he/she loves you. If your dislike continues over time, again, try getting some professional help. If you continue to dislike the child, breathe deeply and do the best you can. Whatever you do though, don't let it become a thorn in your marriage. What should I do about feeling jealous of his kids when he/she spends time with them? Or, is it normal to sometimes resent my stepchildren and feel competitive for my spouse's time? Normal, normal, normal!!!. This is one time, slow and steady can win the race. Remember, your spouse is probably torn between his/her kids and you and probably hasn't mastered the juggling act of giving to each of you yet. Boundaries are very important here. Time with you is time with you. Time with them is time with them. You are the grown-up. You have chosen this package. The last thing you want to do is openly compete. However, your spouse may need some help and a gentle nudge or even words of wise wisdom from you. Recently a client of mine got into a terrible fight with his fiancee because he always answered his daughter's calls no matter where he was. During his therapy session, we decided that he had to be clearer with his daughter about how and when he was available to and for her. Since he did not do well speaking to or having any contact with his ex-wife, we arranged for a neutral third party to always have his phone number in case there was a genuine emergency. This solved much of the emerging conflict between his fiancee and himself. It also gave his daughter a clearer sense of safety by letting her know that he would always be available to her at consistent times and that nothing would interfere with his scheduled time with her. What is my role in discipling his/her children? Also, what if he/she has different rules for his kids than I do for mine? I have rarely worked with or known a blended family where this wasn't an issue. He or she, the biological parent, should be the major disciplinarian at first. You do have to earn your step parenting stripes. If you disagree with the rules set, find a quiet time for you and your love to talk and communicate about your differences. Expect that even in the best-case scenario, it may take several years for you to work out your different parenting styles. Several years may seem like a lifetime when you are going through upheaval, but, if what you want is a good a marriage for a lifetime, several years is a mere drop in the bucket. Hold this perspective and communicate, communicate, communicate. A designated time to talk about these issues is a must. Few would manage a business without regular meetings about differences. Think of managing your new joint venture the same way. How do I talk to him/her about his/her kids without sounding judgmental? You talk about your FEELINGS and your own past history and why you see what he/she is doing with his/her kids differently than he/she does. You do have judgments as does your spouse. However, they are only judgments not necessarily rights and wrongs-You both may be right. The blame game will only cause a rift in your own relationship. When you express what you think and feel with an "I" statement instead of a "you" statement it can help. I think Johnny goes to bed so late that he has a hard time getting up in the morning. I know that when I don't get enough sleep, I find it difficult to get up on time and I am grumpy besides. Maybe, the same holds true for Johnny? What do you think? In the above example, you are taking responsibility for your own thoughts, you have given an example, and you have invited a dialogue. This is much better than saying: You always let Johnny stay up too late and then he never gets to school on time. This is an example of blame and the message to you spouse is, you really are a bad parent. This tends to make your partner feel defensive and before you know what has happened you are into a fight. A helpful hint: The minute either of you say always and/or never, you know you are off on the wrong foot. Is it normal for me to love my children more than my stepchildren, or, what do I do about loving my children more than my stepchildren? Absolutely normal; at least in the beginning. After all, they belong to you and not to him or her. We all have favorites. The trick is not to act as if we do. And, please do not feel guilty for loving one child more than another. How important is it for me to have a relationship with my spouse's ex regarding the kids? That depends solely upon the kind of relationship your spouse has with his/her ex. They are the ones who, if possible, should build the bridge. If you are fortunate enough to be able to develop a good parenting relationship with your spouse's ex, do so. Unfortunately, this is less common than one would wish. After all, if your spouse and his/her ex had gotten along, they probably wouldn't be divorced. If both partners have remarried you may have a better chance at developing a good relationship with your spouse's ex. It does help if you and the ex can discuss simple functional acts such as coordination of schedules. Often, kids will test and try to divide you and one or both of their biological parents. They also have an instinct for and ability to learn the different rules of each household. It is more important for you to create a new, stable loving family than to worry about connection with the old. If it can and does happen, great. If not, don't add it to your list of failures or chores. How do I handle those dreaded words, "Why should I? You're not my mom (or dad)?" Breathe deeply and let the punch to your gut ease. Take another deep breath and react as slowly as you can. The answer is simple. Because your mom/dad has chosen me to help parent you and I want to do the best I can. No, I am not your mom or dad, but I do care about (or love ) you and you are part of this family. In this family these are the rules. It is essential that your spouse support you around these issues. You must be a team. No one is ever fully prepared for the complexities of step parenting. Wounds can happen to all, but with time, they can heal. What can I do to avoid having my spouse feel that at times he/she has to decide between me and the kids? Again, the answers are boundaries. Time with you is time with you and time with his/her kids is time with his/her kids. For example, if you and your spouse are out to a dinner alone, it is your time, no and, if or but. If it is his/her time to be with his/her child/children, find something of your own to do. If it is time planned for all of you to be together, use the experience to not "waste the paste" or “rue the glue.” When you, your spouse and your stepchild or children are together, try to plan shared activities so that you aren't in each other's hair. A focused task or activity such as going to a movie, a concert or taking a hike are examples of good focused family activities. One of my couples-clients have an annual mandatory weekend for their large now grown-up blended family. They rent a roomy house during the winter at a beach resort, when prices are less expensive and they have all the children, their spouses, and their grandchildren for a four-day weekend. The only requirement is that they all have dinner together. Each individual and each family manages to make as much or as little time with other members as they choose. The "patriarch and matriarch" have been gathering the clan since their children were small. It is fascinating and rewarding to see the love and respect this very diverse family has for each other. I give the parents, (now grandparents) credit for thinking through ways to have given their children (his, hers and ours) opportunities to forge relationships with them and among each other. They have worked hard at blending their family and in their case, the results are lovely to behold. To what extent should I participate in my stepchildren's extracurricular activities? This depends upon many factors such as: whether or not they are live with you and how much time they spend with you. It is different in every situation. If your spouse goes to every swim meet and you want to earn some extra step parenting points, go too. The more you can be genuinely interested and active usually the better it is for all. However, if you are not wanted, please, don't let it go unaddressed, and do find out why. How do I deal with my feelings of failure? Know that at times you, as will all step parents feel that you just can't do anything right. Turn to your spouse, talk and make love and learn to laugh. Remember, if it seems too tough, always get outside professional help. Should I let the kids call me "Mom" "Dad" if they want to? What a blessing, if it comes from them. Step parenting is a tough job. Never turn down gifts of acceptance or love. However, the more you talk about what it means the better it is. Communication, clear boundaries, and careful-caring love are the three requirements for being a good step parent. This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

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