Synopsis: For many, this year's three to four day July Fourth holiday is a long one. Traditionally, July Fourth is a family holiday, a gathering of the clan, good friends, a party and fireworks. However, for many who are alone, divorcing, or divorced the four day weekend can be one more depressing down-in-the-dumps outsider-feeling period of misery. For others, who are part of blended families, this holiday (as is true for all holidays) can be complicated. Questions arise: Who gets the kids? How do we get some couple rest and relaxation time? Where do we get the money to do anything special? Why is our family so fragmented? National holidays, designated times that imply one is to be happy, often evoke far more intricate experiences and feelings than public relations and media proclaim appropriate. For some, holidays are just one more reminder that they are “blue.” Every family, small or large, struggles with issues of independence and dependence resentment, need, disappointment and love. During this celebration of National Independence, let's remember that a country too, is a huge, complex family that continually deals with the same issues, only, on a mega level. In fact, so does the world. If we all take time to communicate, who knows what “magic” we can make happen?

Fourth of July: Family Time

For many, this year's three to four day July Fourth holiday is a long one. Traditionally, July Fourth is a family holiday, a gathering of the clan, good friends, a party and fireworks. However, for many who are alone, divorcing, or divorced the four day weekend can be one more depressing down-in-the-dumps outsider-feeling period of misery. For others, who are part of blended families, this holiday (as is true for all holidays) can be complicated. Questions arise: Who gets the kids? How do we get some couple rest and relaxation time? Where do we get the money to do anything special? Why is our family so fragmented? National holidays, designated times that imply one is to be happy, often evoke far more intricate experiences and feelings than public relations and media proclaim appropriate. For some, holidays are just one more reminder that they are “blue.” In my own life, because I have been single, a divorced working mom, a step mom and a grandmother, I have had the opportunity to have many different holiday experiences. My awareness of how my particular life circumstances influenced me to handle holiday times has helped me to relate to the clients whom I see. I have been through and understand the down-in-the-pit periods and those times of pure joy. This July Fourth, with part of my blended family, turned out to be a quiet and very fulfilling weekend. For those of you who sometimes despair of life ever changing: Don't! My blended family is pretty much grown and resides in distant states. This year, I had the opportunity to “hang-out” with my stepson and daughter-in-law who visited us. Getting to the relaxed and intimate place we usually find ourselves has taken tons of time and years of hard work. As parents, my husband and I have assumed the responsibility of blending our family in a serious manner, and we view ourselves as “matriarch and patriarch” whose task is to keep lines of communication open and ensure that our very diverse children communicate with each other and with us. Any one who has tried taking on such a mantle, knows all-too-well how much time and effort this takes. The results, I believe, can be worth it. Though our children are adults who have their own lives, to us, they are still “our kids.” This son and his wife are in their thirties and we and they are just beginning to forge an adult-adult relationship. Although we welcome their taking their rightful place alongside us as adults; as parents, we cannot help but be concerned about their well-being, their values and how they are living their lives. This July Fourth, my husband, Michael, and I were not free to “hang-out” and play in the ways we would have wished. We each had prior work and social commitments. The kids came late Thursday evening and all went as planned, except that by Saturday morning Michael and I both felt that something between the four of us was amiss. We gulped, put work on the back burner, altered previously planned engagements, and asked our son and daughter-in-law to join us to talk. None of us was joyful at the idea, but we decided to “pow-wow” anyway. By the afternoon, we had aired our issues and love was once again in the air. An added and unexpected benefit was that my daughter-in-law, offered to help me catch-up on my work that had been put aside. We had chosen to make parental responsibility our priority and to ask our (not totally willing) children to do something that we thought was important---sit and talk with us. In exchange, we too had to listen (not always delightedly) to what they had to say about what was troubling them, including their issues with us. Fireworks and family, communication and commitment—the weekend did not go as planned—but we all reaped bigger benefits than anticipated. I continue to think of the holiday times that have been awful, the times that have been fun and the times that remain memorable because “magic” occurred. I suspect that this holiday may become one of the memorable ones, for family, be it negative or positive, is everyone's foundation. For me, time will tell its own tale about the meaning of this Fourth of July. Every family, small or large, struggles with issues of independence and dependence resentment, need, disappointment and love. During this celebration of National Independence, let's remember, that a country too is a huge, complex family that continually deals with the same issues, only, on a mega level. In fact, so does the world. If we all take time to communicate, who knows what “magic” we can make happen? Happy Holiday! This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

On The Couch with Dr. Dorree Lynn FAMILY LAW Advisor® HOME PAGE These articles are provided for informational purposes only. No materials posted here are intended to constitute medical advice, which by necessity, must relate to each person's individual situation. This site does not constitute a patient-professional relationship. You are urged to seek help from a local mental health professional concerning your specific circumstances. No information or materials posted here are intended to constitute legal advice, nor can we guarantee the accuracy of posted information, especially as to each individual situation. LawTek does not independently check the information contained herein and does not refer or endorse any product, service, or firm. This site does not constitute an attorney-client relationship; local counsel should always be consulted. © 2000 LawTek Media Group, LLC all rights reserved

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