Synopsis: Last weekend I spent three days at Millie and Irv's planned “summer camp” sixtieth wedding anniversary celebration held in the rural mountains of North Carolina. Over one hundred invited guests were given the opportunity to return to childhood play. We took nature hikes, did arts and crafts, bird watched, played sports, did yoga, participated in communal meals and ended with a rousing Saturday night dance. Perhaps, twenty years of turmoil can be viewed differently when it results in forty years of fulfillment? It's a way of looking at life, few of us are exposed to. We, who so easily dispose of partners, people and possessions, might just learn a thing or two about what it takes to work at a good marriage. I take the motto imprinted on the tee shirts they gave us seriously, as I hope you will too: “Live fully, care deeply.”

Celebrating Sixty Years

Last weekend I spent three days at Millie and Irv's planned “summer camp” sixtieth wedding anniversary celebration held in the rural mountains of North Carolina. Over one hundred invited guests were given the opportunity to return to childhood play. We took nature hikes, did arts and crafts, bird watched, played sports, did yoga, participated in communal meals and ended with a rousing Saturday night dance. We came from near and far to celebrate the anniversary of two people who lived fully, cared deeply and who have enjoyed a tumultuous , “3 F” fighting, fun, fondling (can't say the real word) relationship for longer than many of us live. Filled with riches of soul, not wealth, abundant love for each other and those who touched their orbit, we all gathered to pay tribute to two people who wound up, as always, giving each of us more than we could possibly give them. They had arranged this simple camp retreat to bring those of us of with and without financial resources an opportunity to play and once again experience the communality of life. Their children and family were there. But, mostly we were a wonderful variegated motley crew of friends they had gathered in their sixty years together. What few knew about these vibrant eighty plus year olds who could still outlast those half their age was that divorce had beckoned more than once. In fact, perhaps in another era, in another age, it might have won. Their early years were difficult. Young and unaware, they had little knowledge about how to manage a marriage. For twenty years, they struggled, clasping, grasping each other joining to fill their dependency needs--- pushing and pulling--- fighting, fleeing for their individuality and freedom. The first third of their marriage was a difficult dance, emotional tides ebbed and flowed, often to the brink of disaster. At times, their discord was so wrenching, they both thought they could no longer bear being together. They now call their twenty years of struggle their practice period, learning to live and accept one another and prepare to face life's heartbreaking travails and emerge with joy. Intense by nature, two individuals, forty years later, still fighting and loving but now with the daily awareness that death could take one of them away. Sixty years together; daring to grow as individuals, daring to surrender to more than each of them could be alone. The great philosopher Joseph Campbell said: “Marriage is the psychotherapy of modern life.” Irv and Millie have shown us how this can be so. With the divorce rate estimated at over fifty percent, with couples dispensing with each other after a seven year stint, a good sixty year marriage seems very long. If I had my wish, I would launch this honest, compassionate, caring couple, Millie and Irv, imbued with curiosity and generosity on their way to still another career. I would send them to speak to young people, to those who want an intimate relationship, to those whose marriages are in trouble and I would ask them to listen to one wise couple's story. Perhaps, twenty years of turmoil can be viewed differently when it results in forty years of fulfillment? It's a way of looking at life, few of us are exposed to. We, who so easily dispose of partners, people and possessions, might just learn a thing or two about what it takes to work at a good marriage. I take the motto imprinted on the tee shirts they gave us seriously, as I hope you will too: “Live fully, care deeply.” This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

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