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Dr. Laura is a physiologist who is also, and perhaps mainly, an entertainer. She fills an aching void among people who want to believe that she is an expert who can solve their every problem. She temporarily placates troubled souls as she serves up her quick fixes. Dr. Laura advises her listeners "to make the hard choice," but the advice she delivers resembles fast food: it satisfies the hunger of the moment, but does not nourish the soul. To a population brought up on MTV, sound bites, and 30-second commercials, the fast-talking Dr. Laura seems to have all the answers. Complex problems are solved in seconds. Although she professes to deplore all forms of instant gratification, ironically, that is what she provides. But you can use your interest in Dr. Laura as a stepping-stone to real psychotherapy.
She or he who is without a wrong choice in their life, cast the first stone. After a lifetime of dealing with real people and their real life issues, I know none of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Perhaps perfection has more to do with the struggle to be more saint than sinner than anything else? Most of us strive to do good more often than we do evil. Human beings are really quite amazing. Deep down we long to love and be loved, we wish for acceptance, we want our relationships to work. Sometimes we either make poor choices or are on the receiving end of bad behavior. No one is immune from taking a path that with hindsight we wish we hadn't. No one!
I have a personal prejudice and fear. Extremists of almost any kind frighten me. Unconditional love is not the same as accepting bad behavior nor is it permission giving for personal irresponsibility. But, an unrealistic and unrelenting judgment that proclaims one way of life as the only way verges on being fanatic. History has shown us that fanaticism causes fragmentation dissolution, destruction and war.
Over fifty per cent of the population gets divorced. Of course, we all have to learn how to have greater stability. Of course, material possessions can't take the place of genuine heart connection. Of course, we have to parent well. Of course, we need to care take our families. Few would dispute such basic common sense. And few in America would dispute that we have problems in these arenas.
However, I am angered by Dr. Laura's latest message that states---Stay together for the sake of the children.---On the surface, this sounds good. Lift the cover slightly and what you have is a guilt producing message. True, too many parents throw away marriages before they try to fix them. But, staying together for the sake of a child is too big a burden to put on any child's shoulders. Children instinctively know the truth about love. They want their parents to stay together. They want a family. However, they also understand deceit and lies. I cannot tell you how often an adult has sat in my office and said “Dr. Lynn, why did my parents stay together? It was so awful for me. I would have been better off with the best of each of them alone.”
Please, if you have been divorced, are going through a divorce or possibly in your lifetime, will be divorced, don't add a burden of unnecessary guilt to your pain. Parent as best you can. If you do so, most probably as adults, your children will understand.
This column's
for you,
Dr. D.
Dorree Lynn,
PH.D.
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