Synopsis: When a teenager gets his or her driver's license there is a strange phenomenon that happens to a parent. The parent becomes incapable of letting their child out the door without saying “Drive Carefully.” I am starting to believe that parents are born with this sentence genetically encoded into their brain with a label that says “Not To Be Used Until Child Starts To Drive.” Once the “Drive Carefully” box has been opened, a parent becomes incapable of closing it. We parents can be very anxious when our children start to drive. “Drive Carefully” gives us the illusion that we can keep our children safe. Saying it helps us a lot.

Surviving Your Teenager's Driving

When a teenager gets his or her driver's license there is a strange phenomenon that happens to a parent. The parent becomes incapable of letting their child out the door without saying “Drive Carefully.” I am starting to believe that parents are born with this sentence genetically encoded into their brain with a label that says “Not To Be Used Until Child Starts To Drive.” Once the “Drive Carefully” box has been opened, a parent becomes incapable of closing it. There are variations to this theme such as:--“Remember where you parked the car.” “Do not drive when you have been drinking.” “In case you do drink, make sure you have a designated driver.” (Limited to hip parents who admit their kids are imperfect.) “Call me when you get there.” “Be home by…!” I can't recall ever meeting or treating a parent whose stomach didn't knot once their child started to drive. There are good reason for this reaction. Kids are notoriously unconscious, easily distracted drivers and have more car accidents than the general population, that's why their insurance premiums are so high. Teenagers are inexperienced and tend to need miles under their belt before good judgment and deft reflexes make them safe drivers. Parents remember their own, usually secret, driving exploits and know their kids will probably take similar foolish risks. Remember, most kids think life is endless and haven't yet developed enough common sense to be afraid. A guide for parental survival. Limit cell phone use. Teenagers are easily distracted. No hand held phones and, if possible, set parameters for what calls are permitted.. Be realistic and expect the rules will be periodically broken. Have your son or daughter take a safe driving course. It's OK if they work to earn the money for it. Try to sleep when your teenager has the car. If you don't, you may wind up drinking, eating or pacing the floor. Assume if anything happens you will hear from the police, therefore if your child doesn't call, they are probably safe. Limit your fantasy life. Your teenager is probably alive and probably is not having sex in the back of the car. If you can't stand your own anxiety, watch TV, read a book, or use your computer. Still better, talk to your partner or call a friend. Be firm, if they break the rules there should be consequences that are agreed upon before your child gets behind the wheel. Talk to your kid about your concerns and why you have them. Visit your local police station and ask an officer to talk about safety with your new driver. Be a responsible parent. Don't let your teenager drive long distances by her or himself until she/he and you are both sure they can. Be a good role model--drive carefully and obey the rules. Most importantly, forgive yourself your own reactions. A well-respected colleague of mine had been a wild youth, a motorcycle riding “hell's angel” who managed to grow up unharmed and become a physician. Remembering his own wild youth, he promised himself patience with his children's escapades. Divorced and the custodial parent, he found himself worrying about his two children more than he ever imagined possible. When his seventeen year-old son, Bill, arrived home one night escorted by two police officers, his promise to himself flew out the window. My colleague screamed and started to throw his son out of the house. Bill had been involved in an accident that although not his fault, had totaled the car. He told the police he was afraid to tell his dad. Fortunately, the police were both kind and wise. After calming my colleague, they suggested he talk to Bill and that they both come to the police station the next day to watch a movie about driving accidents. They also told Bill to write an essay about what he had learned from the experience. The next week during lunch, my colleague sheepishly told me about his reaction. I assured him it was normal. He had gotten scared and before he realized it, his concern had turned to rage. I also suggested he talk with his son and reassure him that what really mattered was that Bill was safe. We parents can be very anxious when our children start to drive. “Drive Carefully” gives us the illusion that we can keep our children safe. Saying the words helps us a lot. This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

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