Synopsis: For all of you who write me in a panic about an abusive spouse, problems with your ex's new husband or wife or a problem with your kids or step kids, think about the difference between feeling awful and a genuine crisis. When life is tough, don't hesitate to get help. But, remember, you owe it to your self to take time to get the right help for you. Real crises are few and far between. Incidents involving life or death such as serious illness, an accident or a suicide attempt are crises that must be dealt with in the moment. An out of control alcoholic spouse, a physically abusive parent, your child swallowing poison, the aftermath of rape, these are all crises that require immediate attention. In these situations you will need to call a trusted relative or friend, a crisis hot line, 911, your physician or go to the local emergency room. You must take action, now. Almost all other situations such as a divorce or your child becoming a behavior problem just make you feel bad as if you must do something this second. You want to do almost anything to stop the pain and make it go away. But, in fact you don't have to do anything in the moment, you have time to find the best help you can.

Is it a Crisis or Does it Just Feel Like One?

Real crises are few and far between. Incidents involving life or death such as serious illness, an accident or a suicide attempt are crises that must be dealt with in the moment. An out of control alcoholic spouse, a physically abusive parent, your child swallowing poison, the aftermath of rape, these are all crises that require immediate attention. In these situations you will need to call a trusted relative or friend, a crisis hot line, 911, your physician or go to the local emergency room. You must take action, now. Almost all other situations such as a divorce or your child becoming a behavior problem just make you feel bad as if you must do something this second. You want to do almost anything to stop the pain and make it go away. But, in fact you don't have to do anything in the moment, you have time to find the best help you can. Ask yourself an important question. Is what you are facing really a crisis or does it just feel like one? Although we live in a culture that demands instant gratification, the truth is that there is very little that must be acted on immediately. What most people consider a crisis is simply an overwhelming sense of panic, an intense reaction to a conflict or difficult situation. Since life will always hand us "hard times," it helps to understand that we can learn to manage a situation that feels "out of control." We human beings are remarkably resilient and tend to bounce back even when it feels as if we never will. All cultures understand that upheaval can result in growth. The Chinese symbol for crisis or obstacle is the same one that represents opportunity. This notion is one that I adhere to, as a psychotherapist and a human being. There are a wide range of events that can feel like a crisis and that may propel you to seek help. For example, your long term lover has suddenly walked out, the school has called and informed you, your child is Attention Deficit Disorder, your sister calls to tell you she thinks you have never loved her, your boss has reneged on the promotion he promised you, your spouse wants a divorce, your father is ill and dying, your ex-wife is threatening to take you to court for more child support and you don't have the money.. Again, I urge you to remember these are not crises, they just feel that way. The sense of intolerable pain can usually be tolerated long enough for you to use your feelings as a message that all is not right and to decide to get help. You need time to sort out what you feel versus what is real, what you should or can do and possibly, your part in why these events happened. Very little has to be done in the moment. You owe it to yourself to get the help you need. Often a little extra time in the short-term can avoid long-term mistakes Once you have made the decision to find help, be wary of any "fast-food solutions," the "McDonald's" type of psychotherapy such as chat rooms, glib call-in radio shows, simplistic magazine articles or airy-fairy motivational tapes that promise to instantly heal your deepest wounds. It may only take thirty days to a tighter tummy, but a soothed soul takes considerably longer. While there are helpful remedies to depression, obsession, anxiety or a host of other psychologically-related problems, there are no instant cures to the upheavals and stresses that are an all too common fact of life. The social norms of the new millennium are becoming convenience, precision and speed. When it comes to healing a troubled heart and soul, slow and steady can win the race. On the other hand, if all you really need is help making a decision about a new job, a sick relative or pre-marital counseling to help make sure you will get your impending marriage "right" be careful not to commit yourself to a trek up Mt. Everest when all you may need is a situational solution or help exploring an uncharted path. If in doubt about what you may need, less may be more. If you have never sought help, you maybe someone who does best by opening a door a crack and looking around before you cross the threshold. Once you have differentiated between a crisis and another type of problem, you are still faced with myriad choices within the mental health care maze. Even professional health care practitioners need help sorting out their options. Several years ago, I supervised Susan, a talented and well-trained psychiatrist, who also happened to be a working mom with one teenage son and two younger daughters. Divorced for five years, she had recently remarried. The girls were delighted to have a new dad. However, her son Ryan felt replaced as the primary "man" in her life. Ryan became increasingly vocal about how much he hated the new intruder. He felt displaced, and in a way that can be typically teenage, he demanded to be paid attention to by "acting out". Unhappy and angry, Ryan stole a car. The police caught him and Susan and her new husband received every parent's dreaded nightmare call to come to the police station. The police warned Susan that "Ryan was a bad kid," a "rotten apple" who would amount to no good. They urged Susan to press charges and make sure Ryan would go to jail for a long time. Because she was trained to understand her son's underlying issues, Susan knew enough to call an attorney who managed to keep her son out of jail. However, even though she understood her son was "crying out for help," Susan was unclear about what steps to take next. Susan turned to me for help. Together, we decided that Ryan needed to talk to a professional of his own. We also thought that the whole family would benefit from a period of family therapy. Although Susan was an excellent psychiatrist, in this situation, she was a mother and new wife first. Through a social service agency, affiliated with the hospital where she worked, Susan, her son, and the newly blended family were able to find the help they needed. The immediate crisis was handled by calling the attorney. It took several weeks of careful consideration to find the appropriate long-term help. Susan was lucky. She already knew a mental health professional whom she trusted. Still, it took time before she was able to sort out a useful direction for all involved. For all of you who write me in a panic, think about the difference between feeling awful and a genuine crisis. When life is tough, don't hesitate to get help. But, remember, you owe it to your self to take time to get the right help for you. This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

On The Couch with Dr. Dorree Lynn FAMILY LAW Advisor® HOME PAGE These articles are provided for informational purposes only. No materials posted here are intended to constitute medical advice, which by necessity, must relate to each person's individual situation. This site does not constitute a patient-professional relationship. You are urged to seek help from a local mental health professional concerning your specific circumstances. No information or materials posted here are intended to constitute legal advice, nor can we guarantee the accuracy of posted information, especially as to each individual situation. LawTek does not independently check the information contained herein and does not refer or endorse any product, service, or firm. This site does not constitute an attorney-client relationship; local counsel should always be consulted. © 2000 LawTek Media Group, LLC all rights reserved

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