Synopsis: Divorce is usually an agonizing experience. "Til death do us part” is the marriage vow that is so painful to break. Few of us enter marriage with the idea that one day we will become a divorce statistic. Leaving behind your hopes and dreams, especially when children are involved can feel like a knife in your heart. Divorcing parents need to realize that no matter how they feel about each other, if they have had children together, they will always be in each other's lives. There will be parent-teacher conferences, sports events, broken bones, school graduations, weddings, grand children and other family events that may bring them together. For the sake of the children, it is wise to have a good divorce.

Children Of Divorce

What about the children? How do I tell my kids? When is the right time to divorce? How do I tell my son his father is an alcoholic and I am leaving him? My wife and I are divorced and she is moving to another state. Don't I have any rights? What about my kids? How will I ever see them again? How will my children adjust to a new stepfather? My daughter's new stepmother is a witch. My husband's new lover says awful things about me and is trying to turn my children against me. Why is my daughter so angry with me all the time? After all, it's her mother who left? Will my children ever understand? I love them so much. Divorce is usually an agonizing experience. "Til death do us part” is the marriage vow that is so painful to break. Few of us enter marriage with the idea that one day we will become a divorce statistic. Leaving your hopes and dreams behind, especially when children are involved can feel like a knife in your heart. Mourning a divorce usually takes at least a year--- a very difficult year. Unlike mourning a death, you don't wear black, there are no traditions to help you and few external symbols to tell the world of the internal suffering you may be going through. When children are part of the picture, parents are often heartbroken or racked with guilt. After all, the kids didn't ask to be in the middle of this stress-mess. In my many years as a psychologist, I have rarely met a parent who didn't regret that their children had to be part of their divorce. True, there are deadbeat dads and runaway moms who seem impervious to the pain that their children go through. Faster than a speeding boat, they disappear, leaving destruction and devastation in their wake. Generally, these are people who are scared, afraid of themselves and of responsibility to others. Divorcing parents need to realize that no matter how they feel about each other, if they have had children together, they will always be in each other's lives. There will be parent-teacher conferences, sports events, broken bones, school graduations, weddings, grand children and other family events that may bring them together. For the sake of the children, it is wise to have a good divorce. A good divorce is one where both of you try your best to be fair to your children, even if you no longer can stand the sight of one another. You need to take care of and agree upon details such as time and money, to stay away from the blame game and follow through with what you have agreed upon. Your kids need both of you and always will. They need to know that you love them and that the break up is not their fault. Tell them you love them often. Unless your child is a teenager, hugs are never too much. Teenagers tend to be touchy about being touched so handle a teenager with extra patience and care. After a divorce, children tend to be confused, angry, sad or sullen. Or, they may act unnaturally happy and smiley as if by ignoring the whole event they can just make it go away. Give your children time, listen to them carefully, answer their questions bit by bit without flooding them with too much information at once. Kids have a way of knowing how much information they can handle at any given time. Remember each child is unique and no two children will react to a divorce the same way. Watch, wait and listen to your particular child's needs. There is no right time for a divorce, but there are better and worse ways of parting that will leave more or less scarring. For the sake of your children, do your best. They deserve it. This column's for you, Dr. D. Dorree Lynn, PH.D.

On The Couch with Dr. Dorree Lynn FAMILY LAW Advisor® HOME PAGE These articles are provided for informational purposes only. No materials posted here are intended to constitute medical advice, which by necessity, must relate to each person's individual situation. This site does not constitute a patient-professional relationship. You are urged to seek help from a local mental health professional concerning your specific circumstances. No information or materials posted here are intended to constitute legal advice, nor can we guarantee the accuracy of posted information, especially as to each individual situation. LawTek does not independently check the information contained herein and does not refer or endorse any product, service, or firm. This site does not constitute an attorney-client relationship; local counsel should always be consulted. © 2000 LawTek Media Group, LLC all rights reserved

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