Dear Dr.D., -- 01/20/2004
I am 53 years old and have recently decided to leave my husband. I find myself wanting to take care of him even though have already signed a lease on my own new apartment. Why?
Mary
Answer: Dear Mary: The person who leaves always has feelings about leaving their spouse. Even though you may be moving out for your own good, you may be feeling guilty. Your move has little to do with your concern that you want your husband to be OK without you. Caring about your to be ex may be generous, stopping an affirming action in your own life, may be foolish.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 01/4/2004
Question: Zeke S.
After enduring a marriage of some 30 odd years, I have been divorced for 8 years. During this period of 8 years I have experienced numerous relationships, enjoying great sexual encounters with these women. However, I have recently been smitten by a woman who I feel is the love of my life and I am experiencing impotency in this relationship. Could these be as a result of unresolved issues resulting from my marriage? I look forward to your response.
Answer: Zeke: I wish you well and hope that the woman you speak of feels the same about you. If she doesn’t, that might account for your sexual predicament. If she does appear or says she is as interested in you as you say you are about her, that means you have encountered intimacy, not just sex. If your marriage ended badly with a great deal of anger and/or hurt, it would be natural and normal for your little head to rise up with caution. Intimacy involves one’s heart and when one’s heart has been hurt, one’s body is often wiser than one's brain. Have patience with yourself. And, if she is a wise woman, she will have patience with you as well. Also, you don’t state your age. You may be old enough so that an emotional scare can no longer be overcome by will power alone. If the issue persists, consider a temporary sexual aid such as Viagra, Levitra, or Cailis. If you go this route, I suggest you consult a doctor you trust before taking anything. Getting over the first hurdle may be enough to give you the confidence you need. You are a very wise man. The scars from your divorce may certainly resurface when you are feeling vulnerable again, such as now. Good luck
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 12/29/2003
fullname: Sandra Harmon
question: Left my husband of 28 years a month ago, and filed for divorce this past week. He drank excessively during the last 20 yrs of our marriage and was never home, always somthing more interesting to him to do away from me. Gradually during those years, I lost the love I once felt for him, the affection, the respect. I am 100% sure of my decision to divorce. My problem is that after 28 years with this man, I still have caring feelings for him, he does not want the divorce and thru the limited contact I've had with him since I left and from hearing from friends and relatives he is having an extremely hard time dealing with this. How can I give up the responsibility that I guess I still feel for him, and the sympathy or pity for him that he's going thru such a miserable time? I feel responsible for his pain, I feel I'm causing it even though in my mind I know that this is what I have to do for ME, and maybe even for him. He deserves to have a wife that loves him, not me, someone who has just tolerated him.
Answer: Sandra: You have a strong case of leaver’s remorse, neither a strange nor an unusual “dis-ease” for someone who has been married for a major portion of her life. How could you not have feelings for your partner of so many years? What you feel is a common and often necessary part of the chaotic internal push and pull of the leaving process. YOU deserve to find someone YOU love and who loves YOU. Be gentle yet firm and move on with YOUR life.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 12/18/2003
fullname: judy
question: I had been in the same situation as that guy Bill was or is, I don't know if he got a divorce or not, but anyway after 29 years of marriage, i got a divorce. My oldest child has my 2 grandchildren. they are 7 and 5.
my divorce was final in June of this year and I moved out in July. to this day, my grandchildren do not know I live at a new place.
Do I go along with the secrecy or do I tell the children my self. they give a bunch of reasons why they haven't told them, but I really do not understand it.
thanks for your response.
Answer: Judy: Tell your eldest to get real. He or she lives in a modern world where grown-ups including parents and grandparents get divorced. Your child may not have come to terms with the divorce and also may have ideas about when and what is appropriate to tell your grandchildren. Explain to your eldest that you are being hurt and that the deception may ultimately cause confusion for the children. Ultimately, you are not the parent and unless there is an obviously harmful situation, the parent has the last word. Therefore, hard as it is, please don’t risk alienating your child. However, do talk to your eldest and try to knock some sense into his or her head. Of course the children should know. But, not from you without permission.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 12/18/2003
fullname: Helmut G. Andres
question: I noticed in your answers to the 55+ people you never suggested that a logical way out a relationship also can be a DECREE OF SEPARATE
NAINTENANCE!
My research shows that it is a paper signed by
a judge or court comissioner that keeps a couple
married, but living separate and apart!
Answer: Helmut: Many people find ways of staying married, yet live apart. If a couple wishes to do this, fine. While there may be financial and/or other reasons for doing so, such a living arrangement usually precludes a possibility for real intimacy and emotional fulfillment. If love is an important value in someone ‘s life, this arrangement usually does not lead to it.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 12/18/2003
Answer:
Southern Barrister: You do sound lost and I suggest you get yourself found fast. Talk to your therapist and tell her/him of your feelings. It’s called transference and with your therapist’s help, you should be able to find what you are seeking. However, you must tell your therapist your feelings. By the way, such feelings are quite common in therapy. So, you are neither unusual nor alone.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 12/12/2003
question: Dear Dr. Lynn,
What treatments (if any)can be effective for sex addiction?
Four years ago I discovered my husband had cheated on me many, many times (both physically and virtually through the Internet). He sought therapy, was diagnosed as a sex addict, promised fidelity, we renewed our committment to one another, and I stopped the divorce proceedings, etc. Now I have found that it never really stopped. We both still love each other, but I can't continue to live with his behavior, putting my emotions, mental well being, or health at more risk or even, I think, with thoughts that it "might" or "probably" will happen again. So, can anything be truly effective?
Thanks,
PHX
Answer: PHX: There are sex addiction clinics. Check with the American Psychological Association. There’s also an informative book that’s a good read called Lovesick by Sue Willliam Silverman who chronicles her own struggle and cure with sex addiction. Sex addiction usually has to do with feelings of unworthiness. The act of sex becomes a substitute for genuine love. I suspect your husband suffers from feelings of inadequacy and seeks affirmation in the arms of others. When someone has frequent sex with multiple partners, they usually don’t know how to really love or be intimate. If your husband says he really loves you, he needs very specific and probably long-term help. If he can’t lick his lust, perhaps you had best think whether or not you want a part time or full time partner?
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 12/5/2003
fullname: anastasia chamiec
question: My mom and dad got divorced when I was only two years old. They never thought how it would effect me and how I would react toward it all. My mom didn't want to tell me until I was only thirteen years old. Why do parents do that, wait to get divorced and not even think how it affects other people in the family??
Answer: Anastsia: I well understand your feelings and the question you ask. It sounds as if your parents may not have done a great job of helping you understand what happened to their marriage. Often when a marriage falls apart, parents are so involved with their own disappointment, hurt and anger that they don’t always know how to handle their children well. This sure sounds the case with you. Divorce is rarely easy and yes, it can impact children harshly. On the other hand, two people who live together when they don’t want to is usually no fun for a child either. My suggestions to you are that you try to talk to one or both of yur parents about your feelings and that you also seek a good counselor or therapist with whom you can talk and express your own feelings. You sound as if you have many unresolved aches and pains that are worth attending to. If you understand yourself, the chances of being able to forgive your parents and/or to have a good marriage of your own will increase. I wish you luck.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 12/5/2003
fullname: Dee Corkran
question: My mother has been in a hospital and on a respirator since August 30th. She almost died several times with multiple system failure but has finally pulled out of it and is in a specialty hospital where she is regaining her strength and getting weaned off the respirator. She is 75, has been married to my father for 60 years, they both live in Jacksonville Florida. My Dad has decided he does not want my mother to come home so he is systematically cashing out all of their joint savings and putting them in his name only, he has confiscated everything in her wallet, including her military ID, driver's liscense and credit cards. My mother has recently made my oldest sister her legal representative so my Dad cannot have her put in a nursing home or have her disconnect if it becomes necessary for her to go back on life support. My parents are worth several million dollars. My mother is totally in her right mind but I think my dad has lost his. What can my mother do to protect her rights?
Answer:
Dee: What a sad mess! I am a psychologist, not an attorney. From my perspective, it is time to have a family gathering and direct discussion with your father expressing the siblings' views. In additon, please contact a good attorney. Since I also live and work in Ponte Vedra, (outside of Jacksonville) I may be able to help you find one.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 11/23/2003
fullname: jenna
question: it has been about 18 years that my parents have been divorced now. my sister and i live with my mother and we have only spoken with my father about 2 or 3 times close to 10 years ago. in their divorce papers its says that my dad agreed to pay child support becasue my mother got full custody of my sister and i. my mom tells me that my dad had only paid for about 1 month of child support. other than that he hasnt paid a dime. i want to know how i could get my mom to take my dad to court (becasue she says she doesnt care anymore), and what would happen if my mom took my dad to court for not paying child support for 18 years. would he end up having to pay my mom for all those years he has missed, or would he get away with it, becasue it has been so long?
Answer: Jenna: It is your mom’s decision, not yours. Also, the statue of limitations may have run out. You would also need an attorney and it could become expensive. Relax, take a deep breath, love your mom, and get on with your own life. Let sleeping dogs lie. There is little to be gained by digging up history. If you are angry or financially strapped, dig there and do something about those issues instead.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 11/23/2003
fullname: Ann Martin
question: If some one is getting a divorce and has already started a relationship with some one else can you get in any legal trouble for that person getting engaged before the divorce is actually filed?
Answer: Ann: If the other party feels like being vindictive, they can cause big trouble and claim infidelity. Even if the hypothetical person is madly in love, it would be wise to wait until the divorce is final before getting engaged.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 11/23/2003
fullname: Suzanne Webb
question: I feel that my marriage is falling apart. We have been married 14 months. My husband had a heart attack in April. He has changed drastically. He has a short fuse, sexual problems, etc.
I was snoring and he couldn't sleep in the same bed, so I found out I have sleep apnea. I sleep with a CPAP now and the snoring stopped. He says now that he can't sleep with me because I take up the whole bed.
It just seems like one thing after another. I don't know if he is trying to drive me away.
What do you think?
Answer: Suzanne: I think that what you are describing is the unfortunate experience of having to go through a health crisis situation in an early marriage before you had a baseline of experience and love that was developed and tested over time. Post heart attack people often go through depression, feelings of vulnerability, and neediness manifested in cranky behavior. After all, they have had their life scared out of them. I suggest that the two of you start talking about how scared and angry the expereince left you. Talk, caress, and if you need to, get some professinal help. There are also some excellent books that describe what it is to live through and how to live with someone, post heart attack. So far, I hear a need for tolerance and education and no reason for divorce.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 11/23/2003
fullname: r thrush
question: My mother is going through a divorce - she is 79 and in very bad health. Her third husband is dragging this divorce out for a long time. Is there anything that can be done?
Answer: r thrush: Be her helping had and also make sure she has a very good attorney. What a pity she has to go through this experience at this time.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
Dear Dr.D., -- 11/11/2003
I cannot get on with my husband, there is lack of respect from both parties,
we got married due to falling pregnant and we thought it was the right thing
to do... My question is, is it possible to get a divorce and start all over
again and hopefully respect, dating and courting will make us appreciate
eachother. I personally would like to go back to my maiden name as my husband
is a control
freak and as long as I am under his name he feels that he has a right to
control my every move.
Kelcy
Answer:
Nope, a divorce is NOT the way to go. The two of you should find psychotherapy or marriage counseling helpful. Most marriages go through trying times where a divorce seems like a good idea. You are going through such a time. However, in your case, since you want to remain together, divorce is an expensive, time-consuming and silly way to restart your relationship. You need to learn to communicate better and hopefully to understand the reasons for so much disrespect. For your information, you can change your name without a divorce.
Dorree Lynn, PH.D
Director
The W.I.S.E. Institute
Wisdom, Intuition, Sexuality/Spirituality, Experience
|
