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The following suggestions are made to help you and your children in this time of mental and emotional stress: 1. Think first of your children's present and future emotional and mental well-being before acting or reacting. This will be difficult, because of your own feelings, needs and emotions, but try, try, try. 2. Maintain your own composure and good emotional balance as much as possible, and in talking to yourself, verbally and in your thoughts, remember it is not the end of the world. Laugh when you can and try to keep a sense of humor. What your children see in your attitude will to some measure be reflected in theirs. 3. Allow yourself and your children time for readjustment. Convalescence from an emotional operation, such as a dissolution of marriage, is essential. 4. Remember the best parts of your marriage. Share them with your children appropriately and use them constructively. 5. Assure your children that they are not to blame for the breakup and that they are not being rejected or abandoned. Children, especially the young ones, often mistakenly feel they have done something wrong and believe that the problems in the family are the result of their own misdeeds. Small children may feel that some action or secret wish of theirs has caused the trouble between their parents. Explain to them that there are other children whose parents have been divorced and that they are not going to lose their mom or dad. 6. Continuing anger or bitterness toward your former partner can injure your children far more than the dissolution itself. The feelings you show are more important than the words you use. 7. Refrain from voicing criticism of the other parent. It is difficult, but absolutely necessary. For the child's healthy development, it is important for him or her to respect both parents. 8. Do not force or encourage your children to take sides. To do so encourages frustration, guilt, and resentment. 9. Try not to upset the children's routine too abruptly. Children need a sense of continuity and it is disturbing to them if they must cope with too many changes all at once. 10. Dissolution of marriage often leads to financial pressures on both parents. When there is a financial crisis, the parents' first impulse may be to keep the children from realizing it. Often, they would rather make sacrifices themselves than ask the child to do so. The atmosphere is healthier when there is frankness and when children are expected to help. 11. Marriage breakdown is always hard on the children. They may not always show their distress or realize at first what this will mean to them. Parents should be direct and simple in telling children what is happening and why, and in a way a child can understand and digest. This will vary with the circumstances and with each child's age and comprehension. The worst course is to try to hush things up and make a child feel he or she must not talk or even think about what he sees is going on. Unpleasant happenings need explanation, which should be brief, prompt, direct, and honest. 12. The guilt parents may feel about the marriage breakdown may interfere in their disciplining the children. A child needs consistent control and direction. Overpermissiveness or indecisive parents, who leave a child at the mercy of every passing whim and impulse, interfere with a child's healthy development. Children need and want to know quite clearly what is expected of them. Children need leadership and sometimes authority. Parents must be ready to say "no" when necessary. 13. Do not overlook the fact that you are only human and admit it. You will not be able to make a 100 percent score on being a perfect parent (no one ever does in good or bad times). When you fail in your attempts, acknowledge it, and resolve to attempt to improve day by day. 14. Read and reread these basic guidelines. Add to them by writing down your own constructive, positive approaches to the handling of your new way of living. Discuss, when practicable, your thoughts and feelings with others you trust and feel comfortable with and benefit by sharing their positive attitudes IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN The following are suggestions to the client involved in a contested divorce case who is either seeking custody or seeking to retain custody of the children. The suggestions also apply to the parent who will have certain temporary custody rights. However, always remember that there may be a change of custody in the future and therefore, the following suggestions should always be taken into consideration. These suggestions are made for the present and future benefit of your children and the goal should always be to improve the children's lives and to better provide for their needs. You should not expect to accomplish all these suggestions in a week or a month. I encourage you to supplement this list with items which you find appropriate, and in the best interest of the children. Write these down as they come to your attention. Do it when the thoughts enter your mind and then, periodically, read this entire list of suggestions again. Remember: Everything you do or do not do as a parent may have an affect on your children and their future. All you can do is try to act in the children's best interest and this is something you should do at all times. FOR THE NON-CUSTODIAL PARENT SEEKING CUSTODY. Exercise your visitation rights to the maximum. See, visit, and really get to know your children. Study the real needs of your children and really listen to what they have to say and, equally important, what they are not saying. Do not attempt to become a private investigator and do not talk disparagingly of or belittle your spouse. Enjoy the time you spend with the children and allow them to enjoy you. Start and keep a diary of events in order to remember and be able to point out dates, witnesses, facts, etc., when necessary. Study and learn (not only study but actually learn from your study) how to be a better parent. Begin by selecting, from the bookstore or library, one or two books on child care, child raising, and parenthood. You can subscribe to Parent's Magazine or other specialized publications. Read all you can on the subject of children, children's development, parenting, and how to be a good parent. If a class or study course in this general area becomes available, attend it. Attend the church activities of your choice. Become active in the affairs and social activities of your church. Get to know and be known by those who actively participate. Take the children with you to these activities whenever possible. Devote part of your spare time to civic endeavors and work with youth groups such as the Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Little League, Campfire Girls, Big Brothers, Big Sisters or group sports and competition for children. Make your contributions to these or other worthwhile organizations and groups. Actively participate and get to know your children and how to play, develop, and grow. Become a student of your children and learn from them. You should consider joining one or more organizations such as Parents Without Partners or some similar group whose objective is to assist individuals who are parents but not living with the other parent. Find a person or group with whom you can talk and discuss your feelings, frustrations, and problems without embarrassment. Work up a plan as to how you would provide care, love, guidance, and meet the needs of your children if you should be awarded custody. Examples: Where the children would live, what would be their daily routine, who would care for them when they are not in school and when you are not physically present; what are your educational and religious plans; work out proposed visitation plans for the other parent (be liberal in your thinking and planning); develop a workable, reasonable, and logical daily routine for the care of your children and if possible, point out how your plan, care, and attention to the needs of the children is better than the existing one and how it will be better and more beneficial for the children in the future. Work up a list of relatives, close friends, and neighbors who will actively assist you in providing for the needs of the children. Enlist these people and involve them with you and the children. Have your children get to know these people and establish and nourish a real meaningful relationship between these individuals, the children and yourself This must be a real thing. The children know who is and is not interested in them. Remember, it is the children's welfare that is at stake and the name of the game is what's in the best interest of the children. Make sure the physical facilities of your home are totally adequate for the children. Try to step outside yourself and view the situation from a neutral vantage point. Look at it with a critical eye to be able to realize where improvements and changes are needed and make them. A clean and well organized home is necessary. The children must have adequate shelter, food, and around-the-clock care, attention, love, supervision, and discipline. Develop common interests with your children. Become a part of, share, and enjoy their world with them. Do not forget their birthdays, Christmas, and other special occasions that mean so much to children. It is not just gifts, but it is also giving of yourself and your time. Be a real parent and be interested in their school work, outside school activities, their sports, clubs, organizations, friends, and their plans for the future. Make a study of the schools your children would be attending if living with you. Know and familiarize yourself with bus services or other transportation, etc., and have a general knowledge of this important area of your children's development. Obtain friends, relatives, neighbors, bosses, fellow employees, and church members who would be willing to testify in court as to your behavior patterns, reputation, responsibility, and fitness as a parent. You will need to discuss this frankly with each of these people. Give your attorney their names and addresses and a brief statement as to what they are able and willing to testify to in the actual trial of your case. You need to honestly prepare a statement of constructive criticism of the other parent. Be fair, accurate and put down facts and circumstances that can be proven or on which proof should be obtained. This is a list of why a change in custody is necessary. This should be detailed and should be in readable form. You should forward the list to your attorney as soon as possible. During the time the children are with you, try out and put into effect all you have learned about being a better parent. Get to really know your children. Observe how you and they interact with others, including friends, relatives, the neighbors, and even strangers. Find out if you really believe you can do a better job as a parent and custodian than is being or has been done by the other parent. Read, study, and follow the advice and suggestions below. FOR THE PARENT SEEKING TO CONTINUE AS CUSTODIAL PARENT If you already have custody, then the burden will not be quite as heavy, but you still will be required to show the kind of care, custody and attention you have and are giving to your children. See, read, study, and follow the applicable suggestions above. it is most important that you fully comply with each suggestion contained in those paragraphs. Prepare a detailed fist of logical, factual, and provable reasons why there should not be a change in custody. Make an orderly list of all reasons why it is more beneficial for the children to remain where they presently reside and include in this list factual reasons why the other parent should not be granted custody. After preparing this list, check and re-check it to ascertain if in fact you are providing, on a daily basis, the advantages you claim -- if not, do so! Next, add to the bottom of this list the names and addresses of all witnesses who can and will testify (can and will are both important) to these facts. Doing this is most important insofar as the court is concerned. It has to be seen and noticed by others and they have to be willing to come to court and testify as to the good care, love, supervision, discipline, and devotion of time provided by you for the children. Make a list of the playmates and close fellow classmates, together with their ages, who play or have played with or have close association and ties with the children and include all the school, social, and church activities and organizations the children participate in and the frequency of these activities. Be prepared to show the disruption which would occur in the life of the children should there be a change of custody. Take photographs of the home where the children live, their play area (yard), the living quarters (inside and out), the neighborhood in general, the parks in the area, the school, etc. Be prepared to show and prove that these surroundings are beneficial for the children. Obtain a copy of the children's health records from the attending physician and have this medical expert be ready to testify as to the health care the children receive, if necessary. Have, maintain, and show an open, healthy attitude toward visitation for the other parent. The children need the love of both parents and your own attitude in this respect is important to the children and will be noted and given some weight by the court. In addition, your own emotional and physical health is an important factor which will be considered by the court. It is therefore, most important for you to be composed and in full control at all times and to be able to prove your maturity, responsibility, and control. As a follow-up on the above, your outlook on life, your philosophy of living, and your sense of values, together with your ability to live a reasonable "normal" and hopefully most happy life and to provide a reasonably happy home atmosphere are other items which will be looked for by the court. Your zest for living and for life and your ability to adjust to the demands of life are important parts of this whole picture we are attempting to paint for the court. To this point nothing specifically has been mentioned about material matters (dollars and cents) ... and this has been on purpose. Of course, there must be sufficient funds and support available to adequately provide shelter, food, clothing, some recreation, and some small luxuries. These things are deemed essential but the mere fact that one parent can "outdo" the other in this area is not the sole test or deciding factor. The other items listed and suggested herein are also important. A nice balance is what is sought and desired. Remember, you need dollars and cents but you cannot buy happiness for the children. Discipline is also very important. Saying "yes" all the time would be just as wrong as saying "no" consistently. So long as you are consistent, reasonable, and fair, discipline at the right time for the right reason is not only important but also vital. What about your needs? These also have to be considered. The court will recognize that as a human being you too have needs. It is how you fill these needs that is important ... In short, do not ever forget that your first duty and responsibility should be to adequately provide for the children's security, safety, and the necessities of life. However, as an adult, you should be capable of and are required to intelligently make sure that your own needs are fulfilled. You are able to be a better parent when you are also enjoying life and are not hostile toward or frustrated with the world and life in general. I hope my suggestions will serve as a starting point for your never-ending study of how to become a better parent. Whether you gain or lose custody, you are still a parent and, as such, vital to your children and their future development. CHOOSING A QUALITY CHILD CARE PROGRAM To obtain a copy of a booklet from St. Louis Children's Hospital about choosing a qualified child care program call 454-KIDS or go to www.bjc.com. Some of the tips in that booklet include: Aspects of a Quality Program: Children grow and change at a faster pace during their first six years than at any other time in their life. Therefore, it is essential that the learning taking place in the home and at a center provide young children with quality, age-appropriate experiences. A quality educational program will: · Have a trained staff in the field of early childhood development. · Offer training and continuing educational programs to keep staff abreast of current child development practices. (The National Association for the Education of Young Children provides standards for age-appropriate curriculum.) < · Help children develop attitudes that promote a positive self-image. · Develop feelings of security and success. · Allow children to appropriately express their feelings. · Encourage children to explore, discover, question, problem solve, make choices and gain independence. · Provide activities in the skill areas of language, cognition, social and emotional, intellectual, and motor development. · Provide evidence of compliance with local and state standards of health and safety. Observation As you begin your search for a child care program, start your "shopping" by phone. Ask questions to determine if the center is in your budget range, if the size of the classrooms is acceptable to you and if the teacher/child ratio meets licensing standards. Next, choose approximately three programs that answered your questions to your satisfaction and arrange a time to tour each facility. Plan on at least an hour for your visit. During your visit evaluate each facility in six important categories: 1. Management/Staff Competency and Qualifications 2. Health and Safety Standards 3. Individualization and Social Development 4. Intellectual Development and Creativity 5. Fine and Gross Motor Development (Physical Development) 6. Family Participation This information is based on materials published by St. Louis Children’s Hospital. Permission for Treatment for Your Child Any time your child requires medical care, whether for a minor ailment, such as an ear infection, or a more serious injury, such as a fracture or burn, you want your child to receive medical care as quickly as possible. In today's world, you cannot always be there. By completing the following Power of Attorney for Consent to Medical Care, you are authorizing the person named in the form to consent for treatment of your child in your absence. The person you authorize may be a baby-sitter, neighbor, grandparent or any other responsible adult you trust, who is available to obtain medical treatment for your child in your absence. The attached Power of Attorney Form is valid for one year and must be updated annually. A separate form must be completed for each child. A medical history section is included in this form. While it is not required to validate the Power of Attorney, it would be useful to medical personnel as they provide care for your child in your absence. Of course, if your child's injury or illness is a medical emergency, medical personnel are authorized by law to provide treatment even if you or the individual named in the Power of Attorney form are not available. If you have any questions regarding this form, please consult your attorney. Power of Attorney to Consent to Medical Care for a Minor By signing this form below, I (we) hereby authorize ___________________________ to consent to any medical care and treatment for ______________________________ ("Child") that is recommended by a licensed health care provider to whom the Child is presented for treatment. In order to ensure that the Child receives prompt medical care and treatment when necessary, I (we) hereby release any licensed health care provider providing medical care to the Child in reliance of this form from liability relating to such provider's acceptance of my (our) substitute care giver's consent. This Power of Attorney is dated _____________________ and is valid for one year. Parent's Signature _____________________________________Date__________ Parent's Signature
_____________________________________Date__________ Dated______________ _______________________________________ Notary Public My commission expires ____________________ Medical History (Failure to complete any of the following does not impair the validity of this Power of Attorney to consent to medical care for a minor.) Child's Name_________________________________________ Child's Birth Date _____________________________________ Allergies _____________________________________________ Blood Type __________________________________________ Religion______________________________________________ Previous Hospitalizations and Major Illnesses ____________ ______________________________________________________ Current Medications __________________________________ Date of Last Tetanus Shot / Other Innoculations _________ _______________________________________________________ Pediatrician _____________________ Telephone ___________ Other Important Information Name ______________________________________________ Home Address ______________________________________ Home Phone ________________________________________ Place of Employment ________________________________ Work Phone _________________________________________ Insurance Company _________________________________ Policy Number _______________________________________ Mother's Name ______________________________________ Home Address _______________________________________ Home Phone _________________________________________ Place of Employment _________________________________ Work Phone __________________________________________ Insurance Company __________________________________ Policy Number ________________________________________ Common Sense Tips for Families Facing Potential Parental Abduction The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that approximately 350,000 children are victims of parental abduction every year. Because many of these abductions occur when parents are separating, divorcing, it is important for parents to be aware of this information. Civil and criminal remedies do exist for recovering abducted children. The law requires every state to recognize previous custody orders from outside their jurisdiction. Parents should also consider state criminal warrants for the abducting parent. In addition, the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of international Child Abduction and felony warrants offer parents tools for recovering a child who is the victim of an international child abduction. While these options for recovering an abducted child are useful, they are not a guarantee. Parents need to he aware that preventing a parental kidnapping is an ongoing effort. Being prepared is the key to protecting your child. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children suggests the common sense tips set forth below to remember when attempting to prevent a parental abduction. Keep a complete description of your child: This description must include physical characteristics, plus identifiers such as eyeglasses, braces, or pierced ears or other body parts. Involve the local police: If a potential abductor has threatened you, your child, or your family in any way, does not hesitate to notify your local police department. And contact a family law attorney. The threat of an abduction may be grounds for an order of protection of other legal relief. Notify schools, daycare, and babysitters: A certified copy of your custody decree should be on file at your child's school and given to teachers, daycare personnel, and babysitters. Inform them of your concerns about the risk of abduction by the non-custodial parent or anyone else. Instruct them not to allow your child to leave the grounds with anyone except you, your former spouse as designated by the divorce or other court order or someone properly designated as authorized to pickup according to that court order. Be aware, however, that an unfounded accusation against the other parent can have severe consequences. If possible, discuss this issue with a family law attorney before acting. Record events In a journal: It is important to have factual and easily accessible information when working with law enforcement and/or your attorney. Record threats and other inappropriate behavior and keep your notes in a secure place. Create a list: The custodial parent should always have a current list of the potential abductors (and relatives) with their addresses, telephone numbers, social security or citizen identification numbers, birth dates, and places of birth. Take a photograph of your child every month: This photograph should be similar to a passport or school picture. Also, Blockbuster Video offers a child identification video free of charge every year during the month of August. Teach your child how to use the telephone: Your child should know his or her full name and how to use the telephone to call home. Make sure your child knows the home telephone number including the area code. Practice calling the operator and making collect calls, in addition to long distance and international calls. Teach your child to call home if he or she feels threatened, scared, or is in an unusual situation. Empower your child: Depending on your child's age, discuss the possibility of a parental abduction. Teach your child how to recognize a friendly adult. Give your child the confidence to approach a police or security officer and ask for help if he or she is going on a trip without you. Consider visiting the airport and pointing out where a child can go for help. Hopefully, an abduction will not be the result when parents are in conflict. However, informed children are better able to protect themselves and parents can find some relief in knowing that they have prepared themselves and their children as much as possible. In case of an abduction, however, parents should have quick access to the items listed below: · Several recent photographs of the child (and the other parent if possible). · A set of the child's fingerprints. · A list of any scars or unusual physical characteristics, height, weight, hair and eye color. · List of all passport numbers of the child and the other parent · List of drivers license numbers and automobile registrations, serial numbers, type and model of vehicles of the other parent · List of credit cards, bank accounts, and social security numbers of the other parent and the child · List of information about any other asset that, if not cash, is easily converted into cash such as jewelry, oriental rugs, and expensive camera equipment of the other parent or to which the other parent has access. · Names, addresses, and telephone numbers, of other parent's family members and close friends. - - Law Office of Leigh Joy Carson |