Dr. Judith Wallerstein in her recent book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, uses this image to describe the difficulty children of divorce often have later in life developing relationships. Mediation helps parents reach agreements that evolve and adapt to changes in children's lives. Mediated agreements then create a new dance, one that can guide children and enable them to build successful relationships. The information Wallerstein gathered from the 25 year study of 131 children whose parents had divorced and of a comparison group of children whose parents remained married can help us find better ways to help children and parents. She questions many common assumptions in order to begin a serious discussion about better ways to help families, and particularly children, successfully handle separation and divorce. Divorce is experienced very differently by parents and children. For adults, it is a way to solve the problem of an unhappy relationship. Until children reach adolescence, they are not able to understand the connection between their parents' unhappiness and the divorce. For young children, "the divorce...is the root cause of the trouble that follows, not the solution to the troubled marriage." Despite the best intention of their parents, children remember the divorce as being the reason that Daddy or Mommy now live far away, that both parents have to work longer hours, and that play dates or team practices are missed. Wallerstein suggests ways that are compatible with mediation to better address the needs of families in divorce. Mediation provides a private, confidential setting for detailed discussions that are essential to making thoughtful decisions. Mediation encourages parents to draw a broad panorama of their children's lives--a panorama that includes, for example, school schedules, special needs, activities, hobbies, child care, summer plans, and expenses. Mediation encourages parents to brainstorm, to be open to new ideas and to reach innovative solutions. The study criticizes the current system which intends to protect children, but which often makes decisions without children's interests and wishes in mind. Rigid schedules that do not allow for input from children, especially from older children and adolescents, are counterproductive. All the children in her study who had been rigidly ordered to visit parents had rejected the parent whom they were forced to visit when they got older. Mediation is one way for parents to meet and reach flexible agreements that will solidify relationships with children. Mediators can suggest that parents focus upon the particular needs of their children. Mediators can ask the parents to discuss proposed schedules with their children. The initial agreement can address predictable nitty-gritty of children's lives, such as sports, orthodontics, homework and summer camp. Mediators can emphasize that as children mature, parents should also expect other changes and be ready to adjust their decisions. Mediators can explain the benefits of periodic discussions that can help parents make appropriate modifications to agreements. Mediators can suggest a schedule of follow-up sessions coordinated with major changes in the children's development. Instead of sticking with an outdated and onerous schedule, mediation offers a way to address evolving needs and reinforce bonds between parents and children. Following divorce, children need to adapt to new homes, limited time with one or both parents, new relationships in their parents' lives as well as the developmental changes that span infancy to adulthood. Mediation helps ease the way for children by pointing out to parents bumps and curves that lie ahead in the road. Mediation finds ways to make travel smoother. Then, children's relationships are more likely to remain strong with both parents and also be more able to develop other loving relationships. - - Sheila C. Russian, Attorney-Mediator |