Negotiating Custody
Things to Consider
It may be obvious where the kids should live. You and your
spouse may know who is most suited to have primary responsibility.
But, if you don't, and you want to avoid wasting unnecessary time
on litigation, these ideas should help you make a good decision.
Who gets along best with the children? Is one of the parents
more patient? Who makes sure their homework is done? Who talks to
their teachers? Who gets up in the night when the kids are sick?
Who usually takes them to the doctor, and makes sure they get their
medicine when they get back home? Who knows what they like to eat,
and when? In short, who is most familiar with the childrens'
schedule and daily requirements?
I have been in several custody situations when the lawyers'
questions may have seemed ridiculous to an objective observer.
Questions like "how many times has he/she changed the child's
diapers?" or "what toys does your child like the best" are
examples. The judge may want to yawn and stretch during this kind
of testimony, and it can get tedious. But, the main point is a
good one. The person who is most intimately involved with the
child's daily care is probably the parent they should live with.
Other factors, too can be important to older children. A
twelve year old boy whose father is involved in his sports
activities may be better able to provide a close relationship then
a mother who is not so involved. A young boy whose mother is the
den master of his cub scout troop may not be ready to cut the apron
strings. Teenagers may be better off with the more authoritative
parent if they have discipline problems. However, if they don't
get along with the disciplinarian, and any violence is present,
then the other parent may provide more appropriate care.
If all other things are equal, other practicalities can come
into play. If one parent is staying in the community with which
the child is most comfortable and familiar, then his/her adjustment
may be better fostered by that parent. If one parent is
significantly better off then the other, finances may be an
important factor in choosing the child's home.
Don't view custody as a win/loose situation. It is your
childrens' needs you should consider, not your own. No matter who
the kids live with primarily, the other parent can make excellent
and important contributions to the child's rearing, no matter where
the child actually lives. both parents should make a concerted
effort to give their best to their kids, no matter where their
physical location.
DIFFERENT KINDS OF CUSTODY
When I discuss joint custody with my clients, many begin with
the idea that the children will live with each parent half of the
time. I have seen these kinds of situations approved by courts,
but they are not necessarily in the child's best interest. Small
children do better when their lives are consistent. They are
happier when they know when they can expect to eat, go to bed, or
who will be getting them up in the morning. They just aren't that
flexible. Routine is a prime source of their sense of security,
and systematically uprooting them can be confusing, if not
downright disruptive. Visitation with younger children should be
more frequent, but for shorter periods of time. They really do
feel safer sleeping in their own beds at night.
Older children may be able to adjust better to constantly
changing homes. But, it is still confusing to them, especially
when school is in session. They are better able to be away from
their primary care takers for longer periods of time, and do not
find it as disruptive to stay somewhere else for a few days a
month. If their parents do not live in the same state, visitation
might be less frequent, but for much longer periods of time.
Summer vacations, Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter vacations may
be a great time for them to make up for their lost time with the
out of state parent.
The periods of time with each parent have little to do with
legal custody. There are two kinds of custody. Joint custody
implies that the parents can swallow their differences to make
important child rearing decisions together. This is the best
approach psychologically. Done in good faith by both parties,
neither parent looses. A noncustodial father may be happy to help
pay for baseball or summer camp if he had a hand in deciding that
the child should engage in the activity. A mother who participates
in the decision to get braces for the child will be much more
willing to pay her share of the expenses. And, lets face it, we
all have to get away sometimes. Who better to take care of the
children when the custodian needs a break then the other parent?
Joint custody can work, and work well when it is approached in
a mature cooperative spirit. It tells the children that the people
in charge of them are intelligent and caring, rather then
confrontational and disputive. The ability to present a solid
front in matters of school, church and discipline can help parents
avoid being played off against each other by kids whose confusion
may cause them to be manipulative. In short, if it can be done, it
should be.
Unfortunately, there are situations when joint custody just
won't work. Parents who are too interested in control can make the
sharing of authority difficult, and nerve racking for the children.
If the other parent uses his/her joint custody power to say no to
any suggestion proffered by the other parent can deprive the
children of things that are genuinely good for them. In these
situations, the parents' inability to be respectful to each other
forces the kids to make decisions they should not have to make.
With sole custody, one parent has the authority to govern the
childrens' upbringing. He/she decides their religious training,
their schooling, and their activities. The non-custodian just
visits, and can be inclined to be over indulgent to try and win the
childrens' first loyalty for themselves.
Sometimes, sole custody is a necessary evil. But, even if you
and the other parent don't see eye to eye, you can learn to parent
your children as a team. A good mental health provider should be
able to offer suggestions on how to make decisions together without
rehashing your unsuccessful marriage through your parenting. After
a divorce, you don't have to make your lives together. But, both
of you are obliged to make your childrens' lives as happy and
productive as you can. If you can't do that together, it is your
children who will most keenly feel the loss.
VISITATION
Visitation is a precious time for both non-custodial parents
and their children. It should be a time for the parent to catch up
on their kids lives. Talk about school and other activities that
are important to them. Don't feel like you have to play Santa
Claus. Fun activities are fine, but too often, they are used as a
lure, instead as a chance to visit. Don't ask your kids about the
custodial parent. It is not their duty to spy for you. If you
have a question, and it is your business, ask the other parent.
Show up for visitation when you are supposed to. Don't be
late. Your kids have been looking forward to seeing you for days.
When you don't appear, they can only conclude that they weren't
important enough for you to make the effort. Bring them home when
you are supposed to. don't make them worry about the other
parent's worrying about them just to make a point. Don't send them
home in filthy clothes, not fed and nervous just to get under the
other parents' skin. It won't help you bridge the parent gap with
your ex, and it certainly can't enhance your childrens' respect for
you.
If you are the custodial parent, take some of the same
medicine. Have the kids ready for the non-custodian when he/she is
supposed to pick them up. Don't use pick up and delivery times to
complain to the other parent about his/her shortcomings. Don't
make your kids anxious by making it clear you really don't trust
the other parent. don't make the kids feel guilty about wanting to
see the other parent by acting like you are disappointed that they
will be gone for awhile. The non-custodian and the children are
entitled to privacy. So, don't pump the kids for information about
their activities with the other parent, his/her home, his/her
significant other, or anything else which would normally be
considered a part of his/her private life. Your kids should feel
free to be with each of you. Visitation should be a happy occasion
for them, not something they have to get through because a judge
says they must.
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