Stress Free Custody and Visitation
Things to Consider
The most important issue in any divorce is the children.
Surprisingly, custody isn't litigated as much as it could be. Most
parents have an idea of what is best for their children when they
split up. Although the mother is usually the one who has the most
responsibility for the kids, more and more fathers are accepting
the roll of primary care taker. It doesn't matter who the children
live with, as long as the parties do everything they can to keep
each other involved in their lives.
Unless there is constant abuse and discord, children generally
want their parents to stay together. Even when their home life
isn't the best, they have a hard time adjusting to the absence of
one of their parents. This isn't to say you should stay married
for the sake of the children. If your life together is miserable,
then your family life is not constructive for anyone in your home.
Regardless, children often feel that they somehow caused their
parents' problems, and conclude that the final separation could
have been avoided if they had behaved differently.
Often, the parents are so distressed during divorce that they
are too absorbed in their own problems to appreciate their
childrens' stress. They do not discuss their problems with the
kids, and their lack of understanding of the situation only
exacerbates their insecurity. I am not suggesting that you share
a laundry list of your woes with the kids, but you should answer
their questions honestly, and, if it is inappropriate to provide
the information they request, you should explain why you cannot
tell them.
In any event, reassure them. Try to keep their lives as
consistent as you can while the divorce is pending. Don't take
them away from their normal activities and friends unless you
absolutely have to. Keep them in the same school. And, if they do
not adjust to the situation, contact their school counselors for
suggestions.
As I stated earlier, the most important thing parents can do
to help their children adjust to divorce is to stay involved in
their lives. The custodial parent should encourage visitation with
the non-custodial parent, and do anything in his/her power to make
it easy for him/her to see the kids as much as possible. The non-
custodial parent should put visitation with the children at the top
of his/her list of priorities. Don't limit visitation to the
court's order. It should occur as often as possible.
On the other hand, it should never be used to harass the
custodial parent. Remember, the visitation is for the children's
benefit as well as the parents. Wasting the time available to
communicate with your kids to give the ex a hard time is stupid.
It is like beating a dead horse. You will probably never get back
together. But, maintaining a civil relationship with the childrens'
other parent is a laudable goal. If you want to, being an
obnoxious creep is not the way to win your way back into your ex's
heart. Even if you just want to prove a point, all harassment will
show your ex is that you are an idiot.
Negotiate times for visitation, be flexible, and show up.
Your goal is to be a parent to your kids under difficult
circumstances, not to show who can be the most obstructive. Your
kids will be much happier, and feel a lot more respect for you if
you treat your ex, their other parent, with courtesy.
Here are a few words about significant others. Of course you
are lonely when your marriage falls apart. It is easy to seek
comfort in the arms of another, and there is basically nothing
wrong with that if the marriage is over. But, remember, your kids
didn't choose your new lover. They are still hoping you and your
spouse will reconcile, and the new person seems like nothing more
then an obstacle to them. Don't try to force new relationships on
your kids. If you had a friend who suddenly insisted on forcing
you to deal with an outsider every time you got together, you would
resent it. It is only logical that kids would resent a new parent
figure being hoisted on them.
Keep your new lover to yourself until the dust settles. Give
your kids a chance to adjust to their loss before demanding that
they accept the new situation. When time is passed, and things are
more settled between you and your ex, introduce the new person
gradually. Your kids have first claim on your time, and if you
don't force them to share it, they will be much more likely to
accept the intruder in their own good time.
Finally, the telephone and the mails are instruments of
communication, not torture. You would be amazed how many of my
clients come to my office with cassette tapes loaded with the bad
tempered conversations they have with their ex's. Swear words and
accusations abound. Tapes are filled with Hang ups and immediate
re-dialings. For some reason, screaming matches and bad words must
be entertaining. Why else do it? The results are always the same.
No communication is had. both parties end the encounter feeling
frustrated and annoyed. If your kids hear these counter-productive
exchanges, imagine the impression they are getting about the proper
conduct of adult life.
Don't call your ex for any reason but communication.
Haranguing him/her about his/her lousy personality is futile. Name
calling, swearing and hanging up reflect on the caller, not the
recipient. If you need to talk about issues, arrange to meet
somewhere public, but quiet. Politely make your request and
negotiate compromises. If your ex is less then courteous to you,
persist in showing good manners. Eventually, he/she will feel
foolish behaving badly when you are so clearly taking the higher
ground. It may be hard at first, but when you make self control
and respect a habit, it becomes easy, and will give you the upper
hand in any discussion.
Remember, if you and your ex cannot reach an understanding,
you still have the courts to listen to your side. Hopefully that
won't be necessary, but it is better to tell your troubles to a
judge then it is to beat your head against the brick wall of your
ex's resistance. This is especially true if the only remedies
other then court are the behaviors discussed above.
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