Family Law Advisor®
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Over the years, I have worked with many psychologists, psychiatrists and Divorce Court Mediators, and have learned that there are certain, positive steps that parents can take to minimize the effects of divorce or separation upon their children. Never ask a child which parent he/she wants to live with. First, it is important to realize that society, in general, does not provide any training on how to be an ex-spouse. The good common sense that you have used in raising your children up to this point may not be enough at the time of, and during, divorce. There are new things that your children are thinking and feeling; and, the truth is, your children (no matter how bright, sensitive or living they may be are simply unable to share these new feelings with you. I hope to make you aware of many of the common feelings, thoughts and fears that ordinary children, such as yours, have expressed to professionals while in family therapy. This memo also contains specific, proven recommendations which, if followed, will eliminate many problems before they can ever arise. The first thing to know is that children secretly become very worried about what's going to happen to them. For example, younger children worry about whether they will have a roof over their heads; older children worry about whether they will be able to continue their education. Children need to be told what the future holds for them. For example, they must know where they will be living and going to school. Also, they need to know, in an appropriate way, why the parents are divorcing. They don't need to have the details. This simple statement is recommended and will do just fine: "I love your Daddy but in a different way. Divorce is something only adults understand We tried to make things work out but it just wasn't to be. You will understand when you are older." Children need to be told what the future holds for them. Children also worry about their parents. They worry about whether the absent parent is being fed, who cooks for him and if he has a place to sleep. They worry about where that parent is because they feel that he or she has vanished. They must be given a commitment as to when they will see that parent again. They visiting parent should also bring the child to his or her new place of residence as soon as possible so that the child can inspect the physical setup of that parent's new home. The visiting should also explain to the child how he gets his or her daily meals. Children are also deeply concerned about how the parent remaining in the family home will be able to manage and that parent must transmit to the children a positive feeling that everything is going to be o.k. Specific recommendations: Be sure to actually tell each child individually that he or she is not the cause of the divorce. Always let the child know when he or she will see the absent parent Be supportive and positive about the child's relationship with the other parent. Continue reassuring the children that they can still count on both parents. The visiting parent should establish a home for the children with a place for their belongings (each child should be given at least one drawer in the visiting parent's home for toys, artwork, pajamas, etc. with absolute privacy being guaranteed to the child with respect to this special drawer. The custodial parent should have children ready in time for visitation and should be home on time to receive the children. The visiting parent should be prompt for pick-up and drop-off. The visiting parent should maintain regular and frequent telephone contact with the children The visiting parent should try to avoid canceling plans with the children. NEVER Pump the children for information about the other parent. NEVER Use the children to carry angry messages back and forth. NEVER Use the children to deliver support payments or bills. NEVER Argue in front of the children NEVER Speak derogatorily about the other parent NEVER Ask children with whom they want to live Never use the children to deliver support payments. Needless to say, the children who suffer the most from their parents' separation, are those who have their relationship with one parent disrupted by loss of contact with that parent. Children suffer the least when they are removed from the parents' conflict, when they are allowed free access to both parents, when both parents continue to be parents and when the divorce produces little, if any, financial loss to he children. - - Law Offices of J. Richard Kulerski, P.C.