Cooperative divorce is a process in which husband and wife negotiate their own agreement. Does it mean you have to like your spouse? No, although it helps. Does it mean you have to be willing to work with your spouse toward an outcome that is fair to everyone? Yes. Note also that we're not talking about blind cooperation. The only kind of cooperation that benefits everyone is informed cooperation. Don't try to negotiate anything until you have gathered the information you need and you understand your rights and obligations.
It's also important that you recognize the differences in the three divorces. Getting your emotional divorce requires you to examine your emotions and those of your spouse. You need to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about what you're doing and why. If you're considering divorce because you just can't think of a way to make your marriage work, you may be getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Consider whether individual or couples counseling is really the approach you should be taking.
There is a right reason to separate: you and your spouse have done everything possible to resolve your differences and have concluded that the marriage is not satisfying your needs and can't be fixed. That's a high standard to meet. It requires both spouses to accept personal responsibility for the success or failure of the marriage. It also requires you to work on your differences, to seek help when needed, and to give the effort priority in your life. If you've done all that and realized that you don't belong together, a cooperative approach to the financial issues is your next step.
When you've done your emotional work first, the financial divorce will be much easier. You will make your decisions based on what is practical and realistic, rather than on emotions like fear, anger or guilt. The essence of the financial divorce is figuring out where you are now and where you want to be in the future. The goal is a settlement that meets everyone's needs. It may mean simply dividing everything in half and going your separate ways. If your finances are more complex, you will need to share all the information (income, expenses, assets and liabilities) with each other and work out a plan for your future. The help of experts is particularly valuable here. Your future security is at stake, so don't be penny wise and pound foolish. You may need an accountant, tax attorney, pension expert, business valuator or Certified Divorce Planner™ to be sure you know exactly what you're doing and don't make unnecessary mistakes.
Cooperative divorce doesn't eliminate attorneys from having a role in divorce, it just changes the role they play. You need an attorney to advise you on the law, to tell you what you should and shouldn't do, to explain the consequences of the choices you make and the consequences of failing to agree. Your lawyer should be an educator, but you don't need to pay your lawyer to do your negotiating for you. Once you are fully informed about your rights, you can do your own negotiating, either directly with your spouse, or using the services of a mediator.
When you have your financial plan in place, and a parenting plan if you need one, the last step is the legal divorce. Since marriage is a legal status as well as an emotional commitment, you must get the approval of that state to end it. A judge will have to grant you a decree of divorce (or dissolution of marriage) before you are legally considered a single person. To get your decree you will need to show the judge that you have made decisions and created an agreement on all the issues that apply to you. Your agreement will need to be in writing and contain all the terms you have negotiated for support, division of property and parenting. We'll discuss how to get your agreement prepared later. If you have an agreement that is acceptable under the law of the state in which you live, you will be eligible for an uncontested divorce. In some states you will be able to handle the paperwork by yourself; in others you would be wise to have an attorney do it for you. In either case, the cost should be minimal because the process is fairly simple.
