All newly divorced people must consider how soon they want to begin
dating and what they are looking for in a new mate. For a parent, a
profoundly important aspect of a dating partner’s qualities is
how he or she relates to children.
Qualities that will likely be important include the dating partner’s:
- Willingness to defer his or her own needs when the children’s
needs should come first. The decision to have children is primary
in a parent’s life, and once that decision is made, the responsibility
for raising those children exceeds all others. While the decision
to establish a new intimate relationship is important to a parent,
and perhaps ultimately even to the children, the needs of that relationship
and of the individual adults are often secondary to children’s
needs. A dating partner must be able to respect the decision the
parent made when he or she chose to have children, and the responsibilities
and sacrifice that derive from that decision.
- Willingness to be introduced into the children’s lives slowly. As difficult as a divorce may be, the parents are losing only a partner,
which, in the end, can always be replaced. The children are losing
the only primary family they will ever have. Substitute parents may
enter their lives, but that collection of family that nurtured them
during their most vulnerable formative years can never be replaced.
Because it destroys what children perceive as their primary source
of love and safety, divorce may leave them fearful or even cynical
about adults, marriage and family. As a result, if one or both of
their parents begin a series of short, unimportant relationships,
and the children are aware of these relationships, what little faith
the children have left in loving family relationships may be all
but destroyed. Because of their divorce, therefore, the parents have
an increased responsibility to nurture the children’s ability
to believe in and form their own loving relationships when they become
adults. Dating partners must recognize their own responsibility to
the children in this regard. If the children are to view marriage
as positive and loving, they will learn it from their parents’ post-divorce
relationships. Because of this importance, therefore, introducing
such a relationship to the children must be done very carefully and
slowly, and in a manner that lets the children know that the parent
takes the relationship and the importance of the relationship to
the children seriously.
- Ability to relate to children generally. Adults have varying
abilities to relate to children. It can be seen in whether they can talk to
children in an age-appropriate manner, about age-appropriate topics,
respectfully without being patronizing, in how they interact with
children in activities, and how they use their power in adult/child
relationships. Positive use of this power is seen in an adult’s
complimenting a child on his or her behaviors and abilities. Misuse
may be seen if an adult belittles or denigrates a child.
- Willingness to accept the children as they are. The dating partner
should not expect the children to adopt the dating partner’s
likes and dislikes, but rather, be willing to explore the children’s
interests. Shared activities between the children and the newcomer
can be an important bonding experience.
- Patience with the children’s resistance to a new parental
relationship. A child’s willingness to accept a parent’s
choice for a dating partner will likely be affected by that child’s
relationship with the parent of the potential dating partner’s
gender. From the child’s point of view, the dating partner
may be contributing to the disaster that is the divorce for that
child. If the child has a strong relationship with the parent of
the dating partner’s gender, integrating the dating partner
into that child’s life may be difficult. The child may resort
to being rude or interfering with the parent and dating partner’s
relationship. At such a point, the dating partner must accept his
or her role as an adult, and be patient with the child’s regressed
behavior. While such behavior need not be accepted, any disciplinary
response should come from the parent, and not the dating partner.
The dating partner’s response should likely be limited to letting
the child know how the child’s behavior makes the dating partner
feel, and why he or she feels that way.
- Comfort in leaving the disciplining of the children to
the biological parent. Children are more likely to understand the need for rules,
limits and consequences when enforced within a long-term relationship,
and not from a “newcomer.” To ensure stability, the parent
needs to continue using past rules and ways of enforcing them.
- Willingness to accept limits to the affection the parent
is comfortable expressing in the children’s presence. Physical affection is
an important indicator of the nature of a relationship. While adults
may be comfortable with physical affection soon after divorce, their
children may not. The adults must be sensitive to the children’s
needs for time to heal from the divorce. At the same time, it is
important that once a new relationship has been established with
which the children are comfortable, the dating partner is also comfortable
expressing affection around the children, who will benefit from seeing
their parent treated well by another adult.
- Willingness to let the parent determine how to relate
to the other parent regarding their children. Raising children is difficult and
is made even more difficult by divorce. Relating to a former spouse
may also be difficult. If children are to learn that their parents
still love and care for them despite the divorce, the most important
task their parents have is to finish raising their children as cooperatively
as possible. Interjecting useful opinions about the raising of other
people’s children is far beyond the skill of most people. Considering
the emotional baggage of having a post-divorce relationship with
one of the parents, a dating partner is even less likely to be accepted
by either parent as having an appropriate role in affecting how the
parents relate in raising their children. A dating partner must recognize
the effect this might have on the children and refrain from making
the process more difficult.
- Supports the parent’s parenting style. Differing parenting
styles often contributes to divorce. In selecting a dating partner,
a parent should observe carefully how well his or her parenting style
integrates with the manner in which the dating partner relates to
the children.
- Flexible to the vagaries of raising children. Parenting requires
a recognition that events will not always go as planned. A dating
partner should be able to tolerate the frustrations that arise from
not being able to rely on rigid schedules and plans.
- Understands the sadness of being separated from one’s children. Because of split parenting schedules, divorce means the parents will
likely be spending less time with their children than before the
divorce. A dating partner needs to understand the parent’s
sadness that results from this, and the fact that the dating partner,
and his or her relationship with the parent, cannot make up for it.
- Willingness to accept children’s differences. If the dating
partner has his or her own children, there may be a great temptation
to compare the children of the two families. To avoid friction between
the dating parents, either the children will need to be very much
alike, which is unlikely, or the parents must be willing to accept
each other’s children’s differences.
- Willingness to participate in family established rituals. Birthdays,
holidays, and contact with extended family are important opportunities
to reassure children that, despite the divorce, they still have sources
of love and safety, and that there can still is a family to support
them. A dating partner should be able to integrate into these activities.
If the dating partner also has children, it is essential that both
sets of children maintain their rituals. While this can be tricky,
it might mean being creative or spending some rituals apart for the
first years.
- Ability to model appropriate adult behavior. Children will learn
a great deal from a dating partner. Every aspect of this person’s
personality, his or her ability to express love, show kindness, admit
mistakes, express anger, ask forgiveness, and avoid inappropriate
behaviors, will influence the children. Any doubts the parent has
in his or her own relationship with the dating partner will have
a parallel with the children’s relationship with this person.
Choosing a mate for oneself is difficult enough, choosing a new parent
for one’s children is even more so.
While dating and ultimately recommitting to a new relationship
can help a divorced parent regain energy and self-esteem, it
may have
pitfalls that can exacerbate the pain of the divorce for the
children. It is important to keep the children’s needs and
emotions foremost. If the potential new mate understands these
dangers and
is able to
help the divorced parent through these difficulties, the relationship
can be one that eases the pain of the divorce for everyone.
-- The
Harris Law Firm, P.C.
|