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Many people—perhaps most—feel powerless in divorce and in dealing with ex-spouses, and our legal system doesn't help. But there is one factor we can become empowered by—our intent. The American Heritage Dictionary defines "intent" as "aim or purpose..." to include "object, plan or design." What the dictionary does not say is how an "aim, goal, purpose or design" plays a part in our lives. But it does! Especially in divorce (and the often long and protracted aftermath of co parenting with an angry ex-partner) it can be the sole factor we can take charge of, the main determiner of our fate. We can never control someone else—but we can control our own intent. You may have heard various metaphysical teachers say "we are co-creators of our own reality." Some of you may be saying "Yes, this is true—I use affirmations daily." Some may be saying "Horsefeathers!"—or stronger language. However, there is much truth to this saying—even in "consensus" reality. Material reality. Certainly is it true of our inner reality, or mental state. This process can range from the obvious—when we become so obsessed with "losing" the significant other that we drive them away—to the subtle… repeating life patterns in which the common denominator is… us! Often we miss the cause and the effect--but even so, they exist. They run our lives. We can see them on others—as when we read about them in, say, Ann Landers. They are truly commonplace. What we so often fail to notice is how we direct and produce these life movies we star in. This invisible factor in all our interactions and communications—our deepest goal or purpose—is more determinative of the long term, and the quality of our lives, than any other single factor. And deep in our hearts, way beneath the surface, we do know this. We often feel intent as we process the myriad communications, small and large, spoken and unspoken, which fill our days. We all know the feel of a "compliment" like "My, what a nice... die job...! Who did it for you?" We know it feels vile, as though we'd been subtly stabbed in the gut. On the other hand we know the warm, fuzzy feeling we get when someone says "You're terrible" -- with a heart full of warmth. If we are really honest, we know what our sneaky intent was when we do the stabbing—covertly. So that's what that is! What we feel is their intent-- their underlying aim or purpose. Or ours! Words have very little to do with our inner condition or feeling state. Some experts say only 10% of our communications are verbal—the rest is nonverbal. Thus, even if we are outrageous, if we speak from love, love is what "they" will feel. A man once asked me if my friend and I were trying to save the world (in dealing with him) -- "Yeah," I replied. "One stubborn asshole at a time." I couldn't quite believe I said it—but he loved it -- because he could feel my intent. I suspect we both remember that moment to this day! Deepok Chopra writes that intent has infinite organizing power, and my experience is that this is true. However, this may well escape our notice in a society where we have been taught to believe in coincidence and "scientific," mechanistic, cause and effect. Intent Creates Reasonable men may differ -- and they do -- as to what effect intent has on the physical world. There are many who take the view that all matter is our intent made material. Even a bridge was conceived first as a thought, then a set of blue prints, then as physical reality. In the body, we now know that neuropeptides bridge the gap between our thoughts and our physical bodies, carrying messages to every cell. As Caroline Myss puts it "we are the vessels through which energy becomes matter in this life." This can be demonstrated biologically (a plant turns sunlight into matter -- its leaves, which we eat and turn the energy into nourishment and thence our own flesh) and observed psychologically -- a "bad attitude" has bad effects on those around us. We snarl at them and they snarl at us and we start an ulcer. But startlingly, if we observe closely enough, there can really be no question that intent has more impact on relations between individuals than any other single factor—and yet it remains unaddressed. Which is sad, because in each and every situation, no matter how the deck may be stacked against us—our intent is the one thing which first, last, and always, remains in our hands. As Caroline Myss states in the introduction to "Anatomy of Spirit"--"we do weave our spirits into the events and relationships of our lives." Intent is how we direct our spirit. Bumpy road Directing intent is one of those things which is simple… but not easy. In fact, it is easy it is to be confused about this intent! We know "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." This is a paradox. If our intentions were "good" then we should be in heaven, not hell, right? But here, "good intentions" lead to hell -- how can this be? There are two answers. One, this hell may well be the metaphorical hell of how we feel watching the aftermath of our poor choices! But too often we lie to ourselves about our intent, telling ourselves we "meant well." However, deep in our hearts…we know this story we are telling ourselves is a lie. Thus, the Bible states "strait is the gate and narrow is the way… and few there be that find it." (Matthew 7:13 See also John 8:32 "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.") These words bespeak a profound psychological as well as spiritual truth. The gate to "freedom"—and peace of mind—is exactly this deep (below the surface) Truth! Sometimes we do" miss the mark" from inexperience -- but this only works the first time we do it! After the first time, it is deliberate. Yes, "meaning well" and creating ill is quite common, but dishonest. One of my teachers used to say "if you want to know what you're committed to, look at your life." Commitment is very like intent-- invisible, but with infinite organizing power. If you create chaos over and over in your life (while feeling innocent) … this may be why. A review of the reasons for our self-deceptions is outside the scope of this book. Suffice it to say that the truth in such cases lies in the end result – our very own inner hell. Very few divorcing parties can say they got through it without "hell"—but it can be done. Standing in their shoes It is possible, if not easy, to arrive at a viewpoint which enables us to plan and to conduct ourselves in divorce (or its aftermath) according to the Golden Rule. It is (again) simple but not easy to learn to treat those in conflict with us as we ourselves would be treated. However challenging it may be, there is a very important reason why we need to do this. For starters, it's asking a bit much to ask of the ex that which we ourselves have no intention of delivering! (Our best behavior!) There's a little known rule of human relations that says as we hurt others, we hurt ourselves. Monkey see monkey do This reflexive rule is automatically enacted inside us! It's very logical. It goes like this: We all start life as something of a "tabula rasa" or blank slate. You might say we are like a computers—the hardware (brain, nervous system) is similar on all of us, but the software (what we learn as we grow) is different. That is, when we are born, we don't have any knowledge or experience (save whatever occurs in the womb) but we have an amazing brain that soaks up every experience we have and calls it "reality." From this we gradually construct our map of Life. Sadly, we learn, among other things, what it feels like to be hurt. We only know "hurt" at this early stage from what "they" do to us—and, if we were to tell the truth about it (as children will!!) we hate them when they hurt us —and we know for sure that they are "bad" and "wrong." We have very little sophistication at the point when these things are being programmed into us!. (How many times have you heard a kid say "I hate you" to someone they love? No gray, not maybe—it's all black and white.) This is what goes, unnoticed, into that Map of Life we have in our data files. I Hate you, don't leave me! So forever after, if (or when!) we get an urge to hurt someone, we search our databases for the stuff that was done to us—which we then deliver to whoever we want to hurt. Whereupon we have (unnoticed by us, usually) condemned ourselves to the Bad and Wrong side of the eternal cosmic pie chart! (Good/Bad Right/Wrong.) In our own minds. This, naturally, is not a recipe for successful living. Karma and Dharma We have always heard saying like "as ye reap ye shall sow" and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We have heard that when I point at someone else there are three fingers pointing back at me. We have all heard of karma (the consequences of our actions even at a distance in time and space) perhaps of Dharma -- the "right action" required according to the universal laws. But to many of us, this stuff is poetry, or abstractions, or nice words. But what if it's not? When it was pointed out to me that when I hurt someone it literally hurt me took it out of the realm of the mental. It was an "aha" that become more and more obvious to me as I paid attention to it. And it was, I soon saw, literal. We literally can not attempt to hurt another human being without hurting ourselves -- and if we do so unjustly, it is we who will mete out our own punishment. In the final analysis, our intent—our true motives—are what create the eventual consequences. This is because, no matter how may feel at the moment, we can not break the Golden Rule without paying the price. Choices Caroline Myss, in her book Anatomy of Spirit, puts it this way: "Every choice we make, every thought and feeling we have, is an act of power that has biological, environmental, social personal and global consequences." And I personally believe that this is true—based on my personal observations. But even if it seems too huge to envision global consequences from our each and every act, it certainly isn't too much to live as though this were true—as if, as one of my mentors used to put it "If you are willing for the screw to be loose, you are willing for the ceiling to fall." To live thus is too embrace excellence, and the likely consequences of this approach are far more attractive than the likely consequences of mediocrity—or (God forbid) even worse behavior. Power The funniest thing of all, though, is that the power of choice is one power no force on earth can take away from us. No matter where we are or what we do, our attitude is ours to determine. It's easy to make the usual choice, and the one with which most of friends would agree. "He's a rat—take all you can get." For instance, many attorney has told a woman client to quit work so she can get more alimony. In such as case BOTH are ignoring the Truth beneath the surface, and both will pay! I have long told clients, "the best revenge is living well." If you must have revenge. make it revenge that comes from rising above the fray. Choosing to treat that person we formerly loved better than they treat us if necessary. Acting with nobility of spirit. Let others be "humanly" spiteful. If we choose the easy choice because someone else has also made that choice, or because our friends agree that "the rat" deserves it—we give up our power. At a mimimum, we remain mediocre. How then, can we expect an excellent outcome? Common sense says this is impossible. Yet, with each choice we make to do more than we have to, each stretch we make not to act on our angers and our fears, we set in motion forces which pay their dividends over time—sometimes in unexpected ways. But always in deep self-esteem. Acts of faith, acts of courage In the last analysis, the attitude of excellence—which supports an intent to remain committed to a higher good, to have the courage to seek a loving outcome of any dispute, particularly divorce—is an act of faith with commonsense benefits.