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In movies and songs, marriage is all about love. The song says "Love and marriage, love and marriage... go together like a horse and carriage…!" This sounds great, doesn't it? Sure, we all keep hoping it'll work out that way, too. But... it's causing a lot of confusion. Have you noticed? Now, I don't wanna to shock anybody so soon in this little opus, but... even though it's a lovely song title… it's a lie. Many love and don't marry, and many marry and... fail to love. You may know whereof I speak! Now it Can Be Told! News flash! News flash!! Getting married causes major changes!!! Not only in your day to day life, but in your legal status. True, a priest (not a cop) did the original deed, so this invisible earthquake is a little bit sneaky. But the state gave the minister, priest or other officiating party the authority to have you say "I do", and the state stays around when he (or she) exists stage left. The state says how you will form the legal arrangement, and the state says how you will have to undo the partnership thus formed. So the hard truth is unless you manage to agree to everything, and some issues, like child support are simply non-negotiable—the state will stay involved in your divorce until the children are all grown. You can agree on how to take care of your children, but the state will still have jurisdiction—the power to stay involved—no matter what you do. The state calls the tune, and everybody dances to it. Now what? If you are one of the fortunate few who have discovered how to love a member of the opposite sex--a Martian or a Venution--well and happily through thick and thin, you know how rare your situation is. Most of still haven't quite got the hang, or it took us a few tries. Maybe you found the right person, but you have a blended family. The legal ramifications of "the marriage that no longer is" persist long after the love has faded. And thereby hangs this tale. The Emperor...new clothes...? Despite the numbers of divorces, despite the stats, for some strange reason, no one seems to be catching on that " I do" is much harder to undo than it is to do! And whether we notice or not... marriage is way more like "Joe and Wilma, Inc." than "happily ever after." When we say "I do" we then enter into an economic partnership. We buy cars, houses, books, big-screen TVs. We make babies. We make plans. We make assumptions. We get disappointed. We do all this on autopilot, apparently-- because when one or the other officers of this corporation decides not to continue the partnership, after we get over that shock, we are further shocked and amazed that is so hard, so fraught with legal technicalities, and so terribly expensive to regroup. It seems like adding insult to injury. Like shareholders, we have invested in the partnership. We invest time, we invest money and we invest emotions. We invest all of these in hopes, and we invest all these things in dreams, and we invest all of these in security. Rare is the man or woman who can walk away from these investments... so de-investing is painful. Painless Divorce Is Like Painless Dentistry... Non-Existent
If You Refuse To Get Smart Before You Get Divorced... You Have Only Yourself To Blame. If you are sure you intend to divorce, or your spouse is, your choices will lead you either to power... or its opposite. To self respect... or loss of your deepest self-esteem. The first and easiest step`--not easy, but easiest --is to get real about the facts, the bends and bumps of the road ahead. You would not set out on a journey to Disney land, knowing only that it was in California, or in Anaheim. If you had never been there before, you'd get a map. If you were taking a journey over rapids you'd hire a guide, and you'd make sure you had the right kind of raft or boat. Only in marriage do we somehow think none of this applies. Marrying without a map leads to many divorces and getting divorced without a map leads to long lasting damage. |