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This is my first post. If I ramble please forgive me.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years this past Feb. I have a 10 year old son from a prior relationship and together we have two daughters, 4 years and 9 months. My husband works outside of the home and job hops on a regular basis making things like security, insurance, and retierment non-existant. I run a daycare out of our home and have a small crafting business.

My husband loves to sleep. If he is not at work he is sleeping. He lives a completely seperate life from me and our children. If he sees them in passing he will pat them on the head, maybe hold the baby, but that is about it. He is only affectionate when he wants relations so I resent it very much! He is openly rude to anyone, including his own family, if they call me or want to spend any time with us. He hates my entire family and doesn't want our kids around them. He is a very jealous person and hates for anyone, me and the kids included, to question him or ask anything of him.

We have purchased our first home this last year and I have found several "honey do's" that need his attention. He has never been a "Honey Do" guy and always said it was because it wasn't a home of our own. Mind you these are only things that I was unable to reach or do myself. He has completely ignored all of them and tells me I am not to make him lists. He will do what he wants when he wants and I should be grateful that he has a job and brings home a paycheck. I should not expect anything else of him.

When I finally have enough of his selfishness and bring this to his attention he cries and tells me he knows he needs to do a better job and he promises to get more involved with the kids but after a day or two he reverts right back to where we started. He says he will do anything to keep me because he loves me yet he never shows it by helping out around the house or becomming involved in our day to day lives. If we happen to work into his day that is fine but he will not make the effort to change his day for us.

Maybe I am petty and expect to much. He is not a violent man, he doesn't hit me, he doesn't call me names, but he doesn't value me as me - only for what I can do for him. If it is all about him everything is perfect, but if it is for anyone else he will fight me tooth and nail to ruin it. I feel I am loosing my self-worth and self-respect.

I am a planner. Wether it be a birthday party for our children, a vacation, or just a day of chores, I like to have a plan. Instead of helping me to execute it so our day is smooth he will lay in bed until he makes me late or come out and start in with the WHY's, such as Why do we have to do this and why don't you do it this way. Then at the end of the day when I am stressed to the max and have a headache from hades he never fails to mention that all of my plans fail and one day I will learn to stop planning! I don't want to sleep my life away and security and a plan for the future are important to me. I feel like I have made a terrible mistake in choosing this person and am finding it harder and harder to remember why I love him. I really don't LIKE him at all anymore. Also, I don't want my children to treat the people they marry this way or to start to disrespect me the way he does.

O my I know I am rambling and griping! I just need to know that there are other people out there that know what I am going through, or even someone out there who feels I am out of line and a nut case for expecting my husband to live with me and not just by me.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

No you are not a nut case! Has your marriage always been this way? You are right in not wanting your children to learn to live and treat other people this way... Would your husband go to counseling with you?

Personally, Ive been studying marriage and family therapy for going on four years now and im pretty close to finishing my masters this year. Unfortunately though I was in the exact same position as you with my husband of only three years. It would appear that prior to marriage he valued everything and would give up anything for me and my 10 year old *from a prev. relationship* but when we got our own home and had our own child (now two years old) he just felt like his needs should come before mine and the boys. Slept clear through soccer games and everything. But he was up at four A.M when he wanted to go jet skiing with the guys. I never got it. Anyhow, I finally decided that after finding lie after lie and receipt after receipt, he didnt care that we needed to plan for the future not for the moment, that my children were better off being raised by one happy parent than two misserable ones. I went to counseling (i would recommend it to anyone first) but he lied through eight months of it to benefit himself. The stress on the children through a divorce is excruciating i mean i cry everytime the baby goes to visit dad and cries that he doesnt want to leave me. Your spouse sounds same as mine with an antisocial personality and a bit of Narcacism. Mine was a pathological liar as well. Its tough if you need to save your kids and yourself dignity than do what you have to. Maybe if you have a heart to heart or show him paperwork hell take you seriously. What I foudn out was that if you let them get away with something for so long, I (we) are just as much to blame as they are. We can only be treated the the way we allow ourselves to be treated. No better. I would recommend doing anything you can to save the marriage but not at your own expense of who you are. Im seperated now and its a horrifying experience. I thought I disliked him before, now hes refusing to pay child support and buys himself thousand dollar toys. jet skis, computers, rims. etc. and cant find it in his heart to support his child. SHAME ON THEM

Sorry it took a while to check back, been a little rough around here. Thank you for replying to my post. I thought of counciling and I truly feel that he would lie and say everything he was suposed to and then make a joke about it when we left. He loves making me look crazy! At first I thought his behavior was just him adjusting to being a husband and a father but it has in fact just gotten worse over the last three years. I just feel so trapped. I don't want my kids to have to start over and loose everything right with me. Sad thing is he knows that and uses it. Even worse, I let him. Thanks again for the advice and support.

Thank you for your insight. It helped alot to read your story. I do think we are going to have to separate in order for him to take me serious. It makes me very sad to admitt that out loud. I guess I am hoping for a come to JESUS moment when he realizes that we matter and that his life will be less without us. I agree with you that I am responsible for how he treats me because I have let him get away with so much. I will not live like that one more day! My doormat days are over! Thank you again for your response, it helped me alot!

I think a good sign that it is over is the fact that you're on this site. You know what's wrong with your relationship and as a smart woman you also probably know that you cannot change him. I wish you all the luck in the world and a good attorney. It's a hard decision to make, but if you are unhappy it is worth it.