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**Update**

So I called my ex yesterday, because as mentioned in another post I sent him a letter asking that he let me know by the 1st of November whether or not he planned to exercise his visitation for Christmas... When I called he said he did, but didn't have a plan. (He still doesn't have a job, his license, or any $$) SO... we were talking about the logistics, and he snidely said "Your car will be ready to be picked up this weekend." I told him I didn't want the car, and that's not what the discussion was about, and that all I wanted was for him to sign the title over to himself. He said he didn't have the money to deal with it, and I could just take the car. Jeesh. My dad told me he would store the car in his garage, and keep the title that I signed over, in case my ex ever changes his mind. Maybe I'll offer to help him sell and he can use the $$ to pay for his transportation for Christmas, or maybe some of his arrears.

So, that's the update as far as the car. I'll be taking my daughter to see him this Friday, we'll see how things go. Meanwhile we'll try and figure out plans for Christmas.

It's really hard to put aside my own feelings for the sake of my daughter. I'm having a hard time wanting to go out of my way to help him see her for Christmas. To me it's not fair at all that I've had her 95% of the time since he left, with no contact from him emotionally for her, or financially, and he gets to have her for Christmas. *sigh* I did make it clear that I wouldn't be taking any extra time off of work to travel, that we would have to do it on a day off (he doesn't work, so I figured his schedule should be pretty clear). I also made it clear that I'm not footing 100% of the bill for transportation. I really hope that someone in his family would offer to help him out with a plane ticket, or he use what little he gets for a ticket (it's a fairly cheap flight from baltimore to detroit). I don't want my DD to have to spend a total of 10 hrs a day in a car there and then back again at the end of the trip.

Ok, sorry about the griping in the last paragraph, but that's the car update in case anyone was curious... I'll let everyone know how things go this weekend.

You're a better woman than me. You are really doing a lot to keep him involved in your DD's life and that's awesome. I'm glad you put your foot down about the travel though!!

Thanks Kimi... I'm hoping he decides to be a father before I run out of patience and the feeling that I need to help him. It won't last forever. I think part of it really is me being selfish as well. I know that in 2 years I will probably be getting assigned somewhere else in the country, and even though my divorce papers state I don't need court permission to move my daughter, I really don't want there to be any reason for the court to change custody based on my move. The harder I try to facilitate the realtionship, the better things will be for me in the long run.

That and it really is the only fair thing for my DD. She didn't ask for the divorce, and she isn't old enough to understand what is going on with my ex (i don't even understand hahah). She loves her daddy, there is no denying that, and it breaks my heart that she asks for him, and I can't give her a good answer.

Emily - I agree with Kimi. Like you said, it is for your child. Good for you.

Obviously he is exhausted and feeling a bit 'down' to mention the car in that manner. He probably feels like a loser for not being up on CS, not having a job, and not being a good father. (How could one NOT, you know?)

I personally would just take the car and have him sign it over to me, then sell it. I wouldn't enter into any agreement of helping to sell, etc. Not a good idea. Hard enough where friends do stuff like this together let alone EXES!
Just take the car, sell it, and then decide if you would like to 'gift' him a bit of money for transportation for Christmas visit. He should be thankful for a gift, but will likely be feeling jipped no matter what if he is expecting money from the sale from the start...you know?

I would also give him a cut off date for a response (can be a few days prior, whatever time you need) so you can make other arrangements if needed. I wouldn't tell DD about the visit until you know for SURE for sure.

BEST WISHES!!!!!!

Thanks shopgirl, I don't tell DD we're going to see him or she's going to see him until moments before, it only took her being burned once for me to realize that mistake!

The car was never signed over to him, so it's still in my name. I'm definitely going to take it.

I understand he probably feels like a loser, I'm just trying to figure out at once point he'll feel like he should probably do something about the situation. Him and I think very differently however (hence the divorce, haha) I'm just realizing that his breaking point is very different from mine.

Thanks again!!

WOW - he sounds like my ex.

I felt bad for him because I knew he hated the pit he was in...but he never took the time or effort to dig himself out!

I (and it sounds like you, too) finally decided that my child was my responsibility, and not him. I actually told him, "I'm sorry for your troubles, but I can no longer carry your issues...I have our child to raise, and I will do everything within my power to protect him. If that means you don't see him, then you don't see him. It' s not to hurt you."

He understood. And he only tried to contact our child a handful of times (like once every three years.)


I forgot the car is in your name - great!!! I'd just take it and do what you need to with the money...or what you want. I just wouldn't put it 'out there' that you will give him a so much as a nickel.

Haha Tali, but can I throw him in?

shopgirl you've nailed it. My mother told me a couple months ago that although she doesn't wish for it to happen she sees him just slowly dissapearing out of our lives. I can't say I don't agree. It's just hard to fathom just lettin go of your child.

I am happy to say I've arrived safely at my mother's and for the moat part am excited about my trip.

y ex calls today to ask what my plan is for him seeing our DD. My dad and my ex live in the same city and I had told him while I'm in town visiting my father we would drop my DD off for a bit while my dad and I went to lunch. When he called I told him my plans weren't in stone but I would let him know when I'm in town.

He then asked what time the birthday party is for my daughter, and whether or not he was still invited because he never got an invitation. I let him know about the party a few weeks ago and told him he was welcome, but he just said "whatever" and didn't seem like he was going to plan to attend. My mother and sister planned the party and didn't send him an invite because he didn't tell me he would go, and he didn't sound excited about it when I asked.

I asked if he was planning to bring anyone, since he doesn't have a license and is 1 1/2 hrs away. He said his mom was going to bring him. I asked if there was anyone else coming with them since he didn't let me know he was going to come until today, and my sister already got favors and food. (he comes from a HUGE family and has school-aged siblings) he said he wasn't bringing them but might instead of coming with his mother have a female friend of his bring him, and that she was going to bring her 2 year old son.

Now I know the gut reaction would be to assume I'm upset he was bringing another woman, but I think the real reason is that he had no intention of going (that I knew of, or he expressed to me) until she offered to attend with him, and also after not seeing him lately or even often or with any regularity that my dd might not understand why this little boy is with her dad.

I'm just hoping it's not as uncomfortable as I feel it might be because all the other party guests are my immediate and very close family. It's hard not to assume any alterior motive on his part that he, two days before the party, suddenly wants to come.

BUT my daughter will be happy he's there!!

Wow. No, I totally 'get' you!! I would have the exact same concerns (and DID!!!! I had similar situations!!!!)

I guess it will be up to you to make super light of the little boy, and make sure your DD knows the boy is with the mommy, there for her bday. If he fails to do his job as DAD.