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Hello All and thanks for approving me. I am very confused right now and feel entirely alone. Any advise or support would be great as i feel like there is no one I can talk to.

I have been married 10 years, with 4 wonderful children. My wife and I are living separate lives or so it feels. My wife has been disconnected emotionally, physically and mentally for many years now. I am not one to normally give up on anything but I feel I am there now. I can't get into all the history here, but the jist is this.

We are not financially well off. If we were I think this would be easier. We owe more than we could sell our house for, no savings to speak of and really living week to week.

Fact is and I know we are a couple but she has contributed to many of our financial issues and still does today. She caused us to file Bankruptcy 7 years ago and even to this day has no concept of financial restraint. Money has been at the heart of our issues for years. Aside from the financial aspects which could be worked out I am sure (Well Maybe) the remainder of our marriage has nothing.

My wife is a homemaker and does not work outside the home. Which if any of you know puts quite a strain on things in this economy especially while I am still paying for the issues years ago from the bankruptcy. My wife says she wants to be alone and she has checked out emotionally. We have not been intimate in over 2 years, and it has been 5 since she actually initiated at all. She manipulates every situation and turns them into me being wrong. For instance, I was feeling like no one cared about what I wanted or needed and was just feeling a bit frustrated. Somehow she was able to turn that around like it was my fault and then proceeded to leave with 2 of the kids (Other 2 wanted to stay with me) and spend $500 at a hotel because she "deserved" it.

Even more recently she was arrested for retail theft.(The night before I was going to my first football game and was really looking forward to)and somehow was able to turn that around and start a fight because a good husband would be more supportive. She went through a horrific event and I was not being kind to her plight. (Really)

She spends recklessly because as she terms it she deserves it because she does not work for a paycheck. I get it but she spends $300 per month minimum on stuff she wants when I struggle to make the bills. I have given up everything in my life as far as hobbies and have tried so hard over the past 4 years to fix our marriage only to hear she is not ready emotionally. She has alienated everyone, family friends, my friends, etc...

I am sorry for rambling, I could probably go on for days.

The short of it is, I know in my heart it is over and right now she has me under her thumb because of my love for my kids. My fear is that she is financially unstable, she has anger issues, and does not work. If we sold everything we had we would still be in debt so there are no assets to get restarted with. She has charged my one after bankruptcy card to the max and I in this economy I can not get any loans with a bankruptcy on my record. I cannot afford to leave, but I also cannot afford to stay. My mind is heavy and it is affecting every part of me. I have been a loyal hard working person my whole life and I admit there was a stretch when i struggled and was not there for her emotionally. I have worked tirelessly for the past four years to "make up" for that to no avail.

The reality is, even with the money the courts would award her she could not afford to stay in our family home. She would have to work and have a substantial income to make up the difference. She has a ton of medical issues, some mental and some physical and I have always been there through all of them. I am not a bad guy and want the best for both of us but more so our kids. I want to offer that she just goes, finds a job, and a place to live then we can proceed once she has got herself together and can live without me. I am not sure if that is right? I would love to have custody of the kids. I can afford our house on my own ( I have been doing it our whole lives ) I don't know what to do. If I even mention this she will likely blow up and take the kids. Does anyone have any experience with this type of situation? Any advice? Please share if you do.

Wow. You are in a really tough spot and I feel for you.

I bet you've thought a million times, "If she would just go away, life would be grand."

I used to wish for a car accident for my x all the time. I know it's wrong, but when you feel that horrible living with someone who makes your life miserable, it's hard to keep the thought at bay.

Tell her she needs to get a job. Take her name off of the credit cards so she can't use them and take her name off of the accounts. Tell her the bills are out of control and you need to take steps to solve it. If she wants spending money, she can go get a job, at least part time. Your kids are likely fairly young, but she can get a part-time job at least, right?

I know it sounds cold, but if you don't want to get screwed in a divorce, start making her work and earn an income or you'll get taken to the cleaners.

As a father, I really feel sorry for you. Much of your problem is resulted from marrying a "homemaker" and didn't "attack" the problems sooner during the first few years of marriage, and let them drag on after 10 years and 4 kids. Counseling would help if you both seeked it as soon as the conflict occured. It's a bit late for that to help fixing the marriage but could help to lessen the tension during divorce. You are really in a deep hole and really need a good attorney, but that seems out of the question since you are in great debt. State's free service can help but you won't expect much out of it. Your best bet would be to work out peacefully with her all issues including custody to prevent anymore damages. You just can't squeeze blood out of the water. Regardless what you do, I can see that she will have more custody, you will have to pay CS and may be spousal support (after 10 years!). The court may require her to be responsible to share for some debt but the majority will be on your shoulder unless you live in community state like CA. If the mortgage payment is too much for you to handle, either in the cases if you are allowed to share under one roof or finding own place, the judge may order the house sold and each must find a more affordable place.

Thank you for your responses. Please do not misunderstand me, a marriage takes 2 to be successful or to fail. I am not pointing all blame at my wife. We both have in some way contributed to the current state of the relationship. Problem right now is that there is only one who wants to make it better (Me).

I wish my wife no harm, our kids need a mother for so many reasons. My problem is I truly feel that she is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). All of the symptoms are there but she refuses to even consider it. I have held out hope that this is the cause and that fixing it will help us survive. She refuses to seek help or admit she may have an issue. So I sit and wonder, does she have a problem beyond her control? or is she really just this way or doing it on purpose? I straddle this fence everyday.

I appreciate your responses thus far and any you will continue to provide.

"a marriage takes 2 to be successful or to fail"

No, you have it wrong. It takes 2 to be successful or to fix and ONLY ONE to ruin the marriage (doesn't have to be both). If one fell out of love and the other one didn't do anything wrong, then that's it.

"I wish my wife no harm, our kids need a mother for so many reasons."

Most don't wish so for the ex, just treat the divorce as "business" as usual so that it can be quickly over. The more you get emotionally involved, the more complicated it will become and drag it longer (unhealthy for all parties).
The kids still have both parents to love.

"My problem is I truly feel that she is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). All of the symptoms are there but she refuses to even consider it. I have held out hope that this is the cause and that fixing it will help us survive. She refuses to seek help or admit she may have an issue. So I sit and wonder, does she have a problem beyond her control? or is she really just this way or doing it on purpose? I straddle this fence everyday."

There is no needs for you to figure out what kind of disorder she has since ultimately she is the only one who can help herself. It's useless to attach label as if it's none of her fault but the desease or as a justification for your divorce decision. There are all kind of people whose behavior is the result of their upbringing and it's hard to change or to understand. You either accept it or you don't.

Will continue to offer my frank opinion and experiences if you have any questions.

Hi FindingMyself. What state are you in?

As far as I know, your ex cannot just "take the kids away". I agree with Sunshine2. Cut up the credit cards, and take control of the accounts BEFORE you try to address this with you wife. If you can, try to consolidate the debt into something that isn't active for creating new charges.

If you CAN get her to find a job, then that would be good. However, I think you might find it easier to put water back into a firehose.

I would absolutely find an attorney and discuss this.

One thing also: DO NOT MOVE OUT. Possession will be important when the court decides who gets the house. You can afford it, and she can't. And it's just as much your house as it is hers. It is a common mistake for the husband to think he's required to leave. Your not. Don't do it.

Based on so many serious problems about money she got you into, you need to close all accounts and credit cards, and NOTIFY the 3 credit report agencies to put a warning on your file to prevent unauthorized access.
You need to take one step at a time and go to see a lawyer to protect you. Well, I guess since you don't have money, you can only go with free service from the court. Regardless, you need to get out of the situation (not out of the house) to save yourselve. Life is too short to torture yourselve in such condition. If you are not happy, the kids won't either.