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"I no longer had to keep lying to myself, pretending that there was some way to make the marriage work and blaming myself for failure".

It has only been a couple of days since my divorce was final. This quote fits to a T. I have realized that I did so much more right than I had given myself credit for. I have started to see how selfish my ex was. How she used and took advantage of me and my kindness. There are alot of upsides. I can become financially stable again. I can work on me. I can build an even better and stronger relationship with my daughter.

I've found that I have a stronger relationship with both my kids since the divorce. It didn't start that way, but it has turned into that. The kids found out for themselves what I did for them with relationship to their dad. They found out very quickly what their dad is like without me running interference.

I think your kids will find that out too.

My ex and his behavior probably makes the "Top 10" list of the worse all time husbands ever on this message board. He is a major emotional abuser x 10 and would be a great brain washing cult leader.

I got "me" back. I discovered I'm not useless, ugly and one hell of a great mother.

I gained three things that I think of right off the bat:
1) Got to know myself again......I really like "me".
1) I gained back my self respect, after years of put downs, snide comments, and neglect.
2) More oxygen in the room.

I like your number 2! (the third thing. ;))

I like the 'more oxygen in the room' too. That's funny.

It's amazing how many people end up in relationships where one party does the snide, disparaging remarks and the other person puts up with it.

I don't have to cringe now every time the garage door goes up.

There is one thing that will be very different that comes to mind. My ex controlled the finances (I say controlled, as I had no access to my own directly deposited paychecks, and had to beg for gas money to get to work). That, accompanied with many years of support that ends in about 3 years, I will get my first paycheck to myself in over 25 years.

OMG, you guys give me hope. I've spent over 25 yrs. with a person that I can say all of the above about. A couple of days ago, I finally said the 4 little words that I haven't been able to say in over 25 years..."I want a divorce". I never thought I could say those words!! It's like I can now move on with my life! I have hope for the 1st time in a long time that I can have a future. For anybody out there who thinks their spouse can or will change, don't hold your breath!! Mine is a narcissitic nut job who has been beating me down since we were married. I can totally relate with those people who say their spouse "changed" after marriage. Narcissists have a way of pulling you in, and then stomping all over you! I stuck it out for my kids, and because I didn't want to admit defeat...how STUPID of me...I knew in my heart that he would never change, but I was stubborn. Also, he has a daughter who is the worst example of a human being I've ever known. My husband's own family has told me that my SD has been a selfish user and a liar since she was old enough to figure out that not telling the truth was a very effective way of getting what she wanted. She is now in her 40's; is an alcoholic & drug addict; doesn't work, & never has; mooches off of whomever will pay her way, & is still blaming anyone & everyone for her crappy life...AND my husband is still making excuses for her, even though our youngest daughter and our grandaughter have had to have extensive counseling to deal with abandonment issues because my husband & my stepson inadvertently ignored their kids because they were trying to deal with SD's problems! SO STUPID!! Users don't change!! And you can't change a bad/guilt-ridden/narcissistic father who won't accept that his middle-aged daughter will continue to take advantage of anybody & everybody who will validate her behavior. I am so done...but because of my stubborness, I've lost the best years of my life...AND I have almost no self-esteem left (oh, and no money). DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO!!! If you are in a new relationship, and stepkids (&/or X) or calling the shots, & your new spouse is going along to get along...GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR YOUTH AND SOME SELF-RESPECT!!! It is SO not worth it. You can love your husband (but still not respect him). I love my SS dearly. He is a wonderful person, but he was sucked in (for a little while) by his sister, and it almost cost him his relationship with his daughter & his wife. As a credit to his intelligence, it only took him about a year to realize what his sister was doing to his family, & he put a stop to it. I only wish my husband had even half the ***** of my SS...then maybe he would have figured out yrs. ago that he's been used all these yrs. by his daughter. We're at the age where we should be looking forward to retirement, but, hahaha...not a chance. My SD has used all of our resources that she possibly could thru the yrs., so retirement is out of the question. Sorry if this post is a downer, but after reading 100's of posts from people in better relationships than mine, it's obvious that there are too many dynamics in stepfamilies to think that YOURS will be different! If you are in this situation, and are unhappy with what's going on in your life, get out while you still have some self-respect!!! It can be unthinkable to throw in the towel; but trust me, you cannot get lost years back!! It will take me many years to get back some of the self-respect and self-assurance that I once had; but I have to, for my kids' sake. I've already been a bad example for way too long! Best of luck to all the people out there struggling with thoughts of divorce. I wish there was a magic pill for all of us. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, and from the mistakes of others, and move on. God bless!!!