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I originally posted this in another forum and now have moved this here;

I am hoping for advice and i apologize this is so long. Last summer my ex husband came to my house and took my 15 yr old son to 'live' with him. we have 2 boys together. our younger son is 10. Our court ordered custody agreement specifies I have them sunday through friday. he has them on weekends. He took my son on a tuesday.

I called the police, and they told me they could not do anything to bring him back because he was 15 and went on his own. My ex then took him out of the state without my consent, and would not tell me when he would return him. again I called the police and documented this second incident. to make a long story short, over the course of the summer, there are 4 separate incident/police reports all pertaining to incidents when he stepped out of the custody agreement 2 of which pertain to harrasment, when he came to my house demanding i sign away my custody rights. the guy is crazy.

He also stopped paying me child support and was 3 months in arrears. I filed with the CSS and he was finally forced to pay the entire amount. He recently served me and is suing me for full custody of our 15 yr old only, not to mention he is actually asking the courts to give him 'trainotti credits' for the child support he has had to pay while our son has been 'living' with him outside of the custody orders.

in his 'declaration' he is stating that i was 'emotionally abusive' to our son, and a host of many other lies, all in an attempt to paint me as a bad mother and 'gain full custody'. my 15 yr old told me he is prepared to tell the mediator it is all true and side with his dad in court in order to 'live' with him permanently.

it is disneyland over there, where he can miss school, fail classes and live alone with no chores, no consequences and no discipline. he told me that his dad told him i only wanted him for child support anyway. tragic. we also share a 10 yr old son who is devastated at these developments, still has to see them both on the weekends, and though he is not wanting to talk about any of this, i know is hurting deep inside.

I had to hire an atty (as does he) and she told me this should bypass stipulation and go before the judge, just to 'teach him a lesson'. i myself am guilty of being a peacemaker and push over (thus my reason for allowing this all to happen in the first place) in most cases and honestly have been a nervous wreck over all of this. although his accusations of abuse are complete lies, i cannot help to fear the system will not bring me justice. i have lost anyway...my son has been subjected to my ex's hate towards me all these years and finally snapped, and felt he must make a choice. of course he chose his dad, because what 15 yr old boy would not to party when ever he felt like it?

I am praying that the judge will see through his lies. we are set for mediation on feb 10, but i honestly do not feel it will go anywhere. he will not communicate with me, never has. he wants to fight everything. and i mean everything. i have gone above and beyond in trying to keep the peace for my boys, even giving up holidays and their school vacations to avoid conflict with my ex.

my question is primarily, what do you all think the outcome will be, with my police reports, documentation, etc. do you also think the courts will award him his 'trainotti credits'? after all, bare in mind, he is outside of the court appointed custody orders, etc. i am hoping the only thing he gets is a big fat 'you are in contempt of court' from the judge.

thanks for your input.

I think the thing that might hurt you the most is that you waited several months to file.

"I think the thing that might hurt you the most is that you waited several months to file."

I agree with that.

If he has been skipping school and his father has been allowing it, I would pull his attendance records and submit those in court when you go. Also, be prepared to answer when the judge asks you if you thought it was so bad over there how come you never filed?

Normally child support is only modifiable back to the date of filing. That being "the norm" he probably won't get those credits.

However, I would guess that father WILL get custody. Father can state that attendance worsened due to the stress of the custody issue--that the child is 15 (an unruly age in my experience). If the child wants to stay there and he's not failing schools since doing so, you are probably sol

sorry, what i failed to get across was, that in sept. i did give my son a verbal ok to go and be with his dad. at that point, my husband and 3 younger children relocated. my ex was not communicating with me other than his threats and verbal assaults. so i allowed the situation to cool down. it was NOT up to me at that point to file anything. i was not contesting it at that point. my son wanted to live with his dad and my x needed to move forward with filing.

what blew me away was how this all went down. he did NOT have to get an atty, nor blast me as a mother. i allowed my older in sept. and at that point, i felt it was HIS obligation to make it legal. there were other ways to do this, and wasting the courts time and MINE was not one of them.

I am only fighting back in order to protect my younger son who is 10 from his dad coming along and 'taking' him. I am not contesting in any way that my son can now live with his dad. to be honest, it is for the best for all involved at this point. my 15 yr old is only interested in causing problems. i love him dearly, but i can't help but feel thankful he is his dads problem to tackle right now.

"i cannot help to fear the system will not bring me justice"

If you are ok with your older son being over there, and with your younger son not being anywhere old enough to make a decision like that without the courts, where is the fear?

If you're concerned about the abuse charges, 9 times out of 10 the courts can pick up on false abuse charges especially when there is a teenager that just wants to live somewhere else and will say anything to help them get what they want.

The judge will more than likely not find him in contempt for not following the custody order. He will just tell the judge that he felt like the 15 year old was old enough to make his own decisions and he filed for the change shortly after.

As far as crediting back child support, that really could go either way. If he does get the child support awarded, in the end it's only fair to him as he has been supporting the child for that amount of time. If he doesn't then you just got paid for not having to shelter him for a couple months.

thanks lela, i know there is nothing to fear. 'justice' to me would be the courts finally seeing this 'dad' for who he really is, and making decisions that i hope i never had to. namely, reducing time spent with him. there is so much more to this story. the x is the type who has never followed the custody agreement in over the 9 yrs we have been divorced. he is violent and plays mind games. the first time around in court, during our divorce, i had a restr. order and he was ordered into anger management by the judge. he also spent some time in a psych ward.

all that said, the courts still awarded him every weekend with our boys. since that time, my boys have been subjected to alot of emotional and psychological abuse, but i felt torn over how to proceed. our boys love us both and they wanted to be with him on the weekends, and after all the drama they had seen in their young lives, i was hesitant to go back into the 'system' and file any orders to reduce their time with him, for fear it would just hurt them. between the 2 evils, i felt it was best to allow them the weekend visits with their dad.

i am still not sure what i should have done looking back now, but the fact that he is now playing this game, wasting time and money etc, taking me to court, making false accusations etc...not to mention dragging the boys through another drama (my youngest is really worried about 'the courts' making him 'choose', although i tell him that will not be the case) i am hoping the judge 'see's the trees from the forest.

he stepped outside of the custody agreement far too many times. it should not matter that my oldest 'wanted' to live with him. the x should have followed the laws and done things through the proper channels. you don't come over, and take a child away from a parent, for any reason. you let the courts decide this. you don't decide that for the child. a new order needed to be set in place. i told my oldest that in sept when i gave the verbal agreement. i was prepared for a filing, not being sued for full custody and having my son tell me 'dad says you won't give me up because you will lose the child support'.

i get $400 a month. does my son think i am 'getting rich' off his dad? it seems so, since that has been planted in his head. I never wanted this to be a fight. i simply wanted the x to follow the proper channels and do this the right way, and NOT involve the kids once again in a drama. the fact that he drove over to my house on a tues. at 4 o'clock took my son, and now well, that was that?....sorry. it does not work that way.

my oldest was back and forth all summer long with making a solid decision. one day with me, the next with his dad. it was not until we relocated in sept. that i gave the verbal ok for him to stay with his dad. i was expecting the x to file in sept, with the courts, not get an atty, and write up a 2 page declaration full of lies and allegations.

justice will be that he is found in contempt and he should not be rewarded for these actions by getting any credits for his 'child support'. are the laws not in place for a reason? i never over stepped any custody orders ever. i gave him his weekends in peace, always. i always did what was right. any parent who does this should be held accountable for their actions. it was just wrong.

justice will be the day i hear a judge tell him that. deny any trainotti credits and reduce time with our younger son, due to the fact that he learns right here and now that other people have a right to live a drama free life....especially his children.

Good luck to you! I hope in the end it all works out well and if their dad is trying to brain wash them against you, as they get older they will realize this and it will possibly hurt the relationship they have with their dad.

"i am still not sure what i should have done looking back now"

I read your story and this is the case when NCP (your ex)doesn't deserve more custody. You shouldn't agree to every weekend and should only be every other. Obviously he had too much time on his hands to be cooperative with you. You lost such valuable time on weekend to connect with your children since weekdays are only for school and not much of fun activities.

"my son tell me 'dad says you won't give me up because you will lose the child support'."

It's uncall for to plant such poison in children' mind. Little did he know that it harmed the child first and foremost. It's time for those with much resentment during divorce to give up such crap. EXCEPT IN SOME VERY RARE CASES JUSTIFIED FOR SAYING SO, just because a parent lost the title of being a primary parent to take care and to supervise the kids' wellfare doesn't mean he/she can have the right to claim such a irresponsible/selfish statement. CS is for the child, period.

"i get $400 a month. does my son think i am 'getting rich' off his dad? it seems so, since that has been planted in his head."

Don't worry, just understand that when a person is resented and selfish, $1 can be like a million to them.
Good luck!

I'm curious to see how this has turned out. Has anyone heard?