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I have been separated from my husband since May 07, many financial issues which I have addressed here but since we have been divorced he has been out with 2-3 different people and is now dating a "much" older woman in north-west AL. He hasn't filed for divorce and denies he is seeing anyone but I have been to her home and seen his truck & he answered her phone one weekend. Apparently, she knows he is still married and doesn't care ~ I on the other hand, can't move forward and date other people while I am still married it just doesn't seem right. He keeps telling me it doesn't matter if he were dating anyone because we have been apart for so long & it's only a piece of paper. Isn't it still adultery if he is sleeping with someone else? He also contest that it really doesn't matter if I do file on the grounds of adultery because Jefferson Cnty judges don't even look at that anymore, he has a 2 friends that just got divorced and both of them were having an affair in fact one of them was living with their girlfriend at the time they went to court and it didn't even matter. The wife got the standard child support and they had to sell the house, which he made sure it sold for just enough to pay it off and she got nothing. How is that? When did it become ok for one spouse to remain faithful while the other sleeps around and losing everything you own?

Ask yourself what you would hope to gain by proving adultery.

Legally ~ all the money he spent on his mistress while I was paying the bills should be a major consideration. He went through $6000, which I only found out about later when I found hidden pay stubs. He was giving me maybe $200 wk while 100% of my money went into our household. The house he lost but told me he was paying each month while I was gone, I lost $20,000 of my personal cash (before marriage) as a downpayment along with an additional $15,000 equity that had built up. If he was having an affair, spending money while I was remaining faithful and support us, I should be able to file on grounds of adultery and he should be held accountable in some way.

Is that money actually recoverable, and at what cost? If it takes you $20,000 in legal fees to get $10,000 from him, it's not worth it. You should talk to an attorney and find out what your real options are. It may be that you come out ahead by filing for divorce and getting him to agree to a simple division. Please don't misunderstand; I'm not telling you not to pursue it. I am telling you to do a cost/benefit analysis before you run off and spend a bunch of money. Talk to a lawyer.

At this point, I don't believe your valued home assets are recoverable at all. The 20G invested prior to your marriage is a possibility if you have a documented legal agreement for repayment.

If the 6G spent on the mistress is provable and was taken from a shared account (one that would have normally been considered marital assets), it's possible for at least 3G of that to be recovered.

You would really need to decide, as Beaver suggested, whether the time or money invested would be worth the final award. An attorney should be knowledgeable and helpful with that decision.

"If he was having an affair, spending money while I was remaining faithful and support us, I should be able to file on grounds of adultery and he should be held accountable in some way."

Unless you have a picture/video of them in some sort of intimate positions, don't count much on it. It happened to your friends. The problem is because judge dealed a lot with most resented spouses who exaggerated an imaginary affair to get back at their STBX. As for the money he spent, if you have proofs of his reckless spending, it may affect judge's decision during property settlement phase. However, some judges can view it as ...you were still married to him at the time and ...good and bad...you must share it with him. They may argue that if you couldn't live with it, then you should have filed sooner...or that if you let it happened for a while, then you must bare some responsibilities or...accepting the circumstance.

My advice, don't waste your time, energy, or money trying to prove adultry or recover any money he spent on her. In the end, the judge doesn't really care about whose right or wrong, he'll just want to seperate everything as easily as possible.
I had emails b/w my husband & prostitutes setting up "meetings" at $300/hour. I had documented proof of his having an affair with a co-worker. I had records of a hidden business where he was making $20K/year cash that he was not reporting to the IRS, & that he was spending on prostitutes.
In the end, the judge didn't want to even hear the case, he intimidated us into setteling out of court. I personally spent ~$15K on the divorce, no telling what he spent, & we ended up splitting everything right down the middle. Was it fair, absolutely not, but it is what it is. Life's not fair, never has been.

I agree wholeheartedly what rainman stated.

Believe me, you want to keep you Divorce Expenses down...and you want to get out of that Divorce asap, and cut your loses. (one of which will be him). The judge doesn't really care!

The only way you can prove anything in court is to probably hire a P.I. Also, how can you prove he spent the money as you stated on his mistress? This becomes a he said, she said scenario. He could always deny it. (Not to sound mean, but he could stand in front of the judge and state he bought it for you). This is when it gets really messy.

I remember years ago a friend of mine go divorced. He had originally bought a townhouse with the lower level unfinished (he wanted to do it himeself). Well, he did remodel the lower level, but he couldn't prove he did (costing him thousands of dollars at the time (he had a seperate bank account, but so ddn't his wife)). The judge at the time awarded his ex the townhouse, because she put down the original downpayment (which she could prove).


Life sometimes sucks, that's why it's best to move on. I haven't read all the threads, and I don't know if you have children. But if you do, do what's best for them.

My advise is hire a lawyer who wants to be proactive. Get papers served to him, and get out of that rotten marriage now.