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Here's the skinny:
Wife had three, possibly four affairs. Somehow, I was going to try and forgive her and move on. We have been married for eight years (the affairs span at least 4 of those years that I know of). We have two young kids, both under 4yrs. 3 to 4 weeks ago, I found a phone card. She destroyed it. Three days ago I found a receipt for another phone card purchased with cash. Confronted her, she admitted it, but said she was proud of herself because after she bought it she knew it was wrong and threw it away!! her explanation for buying it in the first place was ridiculous. I told her that was it and it was over. I have been staying with a friend and his family for the past few days. They have said that I could stay there for the year (va requires separation for a year with kids). Will me moving out have any repercussions down the road?

If you move out and stay moved out, you've essentially ceded custody of the kids. If you want to have a fighting chance at primary custody, you'll get your butt back in that house with those kids.

believe it or not, we're working on keeping it peaceful for the sake of the kids. She is saying that she wants us to have joint custody because she wants me in their lives. I want to be in their lives too, but right now I'm afraid I'll waffle and try to go back with her. How long can I stay away without it hurting me?

"She is saying that she wants us to have joint custody because she wants me in their lives."
Typically, joint legal custody is fairly standard. What you need to be concerned about is being made a visitor in your children's lives. I think you should talk to an attorney. You shouldn't necessarily hire one, but you should sit down with one for 30-60 minutes (and you may have to pay for that time, depending on the attorney) and find out what you need to do to protect yourself. Your wife is, quite clearly, willing to cheat on you, lie to you, and do all manner of things behind your back. Don't trust her any further than you can throw her.

Beav is correct. You left. That will be a mark against you.

Based on what I have read and my own experiences only way you can "stay away" and it not be detrimental to you is to file now for a pendente lite hearing on custody and visitation. In the absence of that, if you and the ex have a arrangement that is joint (and you have hardcore proof that the arrangement is in place) and you can show that it has been this way for a certain length of time you might get the court to rule in favor of status quo. The third option would be to go back. This one would be the best one.

Yes, VA has a waiting period of 1 year separation for divorce here children are involved. However, they also have grounds divorce options that include abandonment and desertion of the marriage. Ask me how I know? There is nothing at this point stopping the wife from filing on those grounds. Of course, you can then counter-claim on grounds of adultery. At that point, things get dicey and possibly nasty. Been there, done that, and in the CommunistWealth of VA I might add.

Joint LEGAL custody is the standard in VA. Hell, I live 10 hours away and my ex and I still have joint LEGAL custody. Physical custody is what you should be most concerned with. I don't know what you plans are and I certainly am not trying to tell you what to do. However, you will have a much better chance of having a lot of time with your kids if you get something in place now or you go on back home for the time being. But, don't ever assume that just because you have joint legal custody of a child that means that you won't become a parent who is just allowed to visit sometimes.

Where in VA are you?

I am in prince william county. If we create a legal separation document (have it reviewed by our own attorneys) in which it states 50/50 joint custody, will that keep me safe from having to move back in? I really don't want to go back. Hell, I was considering forgiving the three or four affairs she had because I just couldn't stand being in the house and seeing her and the kids. I hate to say it, I'm just not strong enough. She's a manipulator, I know it, but for some freakin reason I can't say no to her. The kids will reside with her, which I'm assuming is the physical custody part. I absolutely do not want to become a parent who is just allowed to visit. Currently, I am allowed to come over at any time and visit. On average, I am seeing my kids about three hours a day with a lot more time on saturdays. I currently don't have an attorney and like everyone else, our financial situation is awful and getting worse.

I might add that she does show some mental instability. She would never intentionally harm our kids mentally speaking. However, it is a concern of mine and a few of our mutual friends that eventually she will manipulate the kids or begin to make them feel guilty to substitute what she currently does to me. I really don't want this to get nasty. I/we can't afford it. If down the road, she does begin manipulating the kids, can the moving out hurt me?

I don't know if this matters or not, but I am still paying all the bills, do my own laundry when I'm there, clean the house, and play with/spend as much time as I can with the children. I eat dinner with her and the children a few times a week. The only thing she has to hold against me, legally speaking, is my occasional use of pot. I have not smoked in several months. She has done it, too, but I was more than she.

You need to move back in before you file if you want any chance of 50/50 custody with your children.

Stating you pay the bills, do your laundry, clean house and spend as much time with the children as you can "while you're there" goes against the grain if you're "not there." She can simply say she does all the same, more so, with more time.

As far as the occasional use of pot goes, unless either of you has been arrested for it and your use was documented, it is just "hearsay." You can both deny it later, though my advice to you is to stop using it entirely.

Dude, GO TALK TO AN ATTORNEY. We're giving you our experiences, and some of us may even know something about VA law (I don't personally) but you want someone who KNOWS the law and KNOWS the judge(s) in your area. With something as important as your kids, don't guess; KNOW.

Along with speaking with an attorney, you need to move back into that house and do not move out until you have a signed custody/visitation/child support agreement that has been filed with the courts. Sit down with her, both of you talk about what you want in an agreement, and what time you want with the kids. Now is the time to do this before things start getting too ugly and the backstabbing begins (it almost always does).

Very good point. Thanks for all of the input.

VA does not have "legal separation." You can file for a divorce from bed and board which will allow you to live as if you are divorced but you can't remarry. Some use this to get through until a waiting period is over. Its pretty obscure these days though.

You REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go back to the house. The moving out can hurt you. You never know what she may say or claim later. My ex basically threw me out of the house, WITH the children, and then filed for divorce on the grounds on my abandonment. This was done in the State of VA. Of course, there are defenses to abandonment but it was a PITA. And the ex started the process lecturing me about how we should be civil so the attorneys wouldn't get all the money.

I also understand the lack of money. And, its expensive to live where you are (not quite as expensive as where I was but close). However, you really need to at least consult with an attorney post haste. There are attorneys that will allow you to use them just for certain services and charge you based on those. Then, there are attorneys that will ask you to pay a retainer and you go from there. The choice is yours. However, is the custody of your children really something you are willing to gamble? You'll find that most of the decent attorneys up there will charge for the initial consultation but that is often times a flat fee for however long the appointment takes. My attorney charged his hourly fee. It was a lot. It was worth it. However my case was a bit strange and fairly acrimonious. There are things you can do to cut down on the fees though. Make a list of what you want out of this before ever talking to an attorney. Then, you'll have a jump off point for discussion.

Collaborative Divorce is becoming more popular in Northern VA. In fact, I have a friend in PW County that just went through a divorce and they went the collaborative route. I'm not sure who she used. Have you at least considered speaking with an attorney? I've got some recommendations if you need them - of attorneys to seek out and ones to avoid.

Through my teaching association, I was entitled to a free half hour consultation. I spoke to an attorney, but for most of my questions, his reply was, "well, you're not there yet, that's down the road. You should try to work this out." I went for legal advice, but instead got maritial advice! I've heard that I should try to get a local attorney that knows the judges in our area, just in case. She is adamant that she would never not allow me to be with the kids. However, I also think she's a pathalogical liar. I would love some suggestions about attorneys.

"She is adamant that she would never not allow me to be with the kids."
My ex said the same thing about 48 hours before she started denying me access.

Justadad - are you wanting an attorney in PW or would you not be opposed to a firm in Fairfax County? Where in PW are you I guess would be the first question I would ask. I can get you the names of either, though I have more experience with the ones in NoVA and would recommend them to anyone.

Honestly, if *I* were you I'd go talk to an attorney (another one) and it would probably be one that did not give a free consultation. When you are paying for the consult I tend to think there is less of a "wait and see, why don;t we do xyz first" because the attorney is already at least making something.