DivorceNet®

I'm trying very very hard to be a stand up guy, honest to a fault and the best father I can be to my three girls. Today has been an eye-opener for me and my family. I am forced to sit here and re-think the events of the past few months, facing the fact that the system works for those who "work it", that lies are rewarded and fraud is tolerated. I guess you could say that I'm sore more or less, I'm worried about my daughters and I have no idea what to do next.
First off, thanks for reading, listening or whatever they call what your doing now. We've had a few rough times and have so far until now been able to stick together. I have three daughters, 14, 12 and the youngest just turned 7. As of this past grading period the oldest two were on honor roll for the second period straight and the youngest is bringing home A+ scores on spelling each week. A bit of bragging I admit but two years ago all three were failing in school, failing in attendance and displaying a general outlook on life that wasn't a great track for them to be on. They were staying with thier mother pretty much full-time, I saw them every other weekend at a minimum and most times more. I always supported thier mother financially and have ended up on the wrong side of a court room bailing her out of many problems. The bigger problems in my daughters lives didn't really surface until early on last year, when grade cards were evident and my oldest was physically fighting with her mother.
Thier mother has decided to move them into a friends home ater being evicted or asked to leave from, what I can list, thier fifth or sixth residence for non-payment of rent. I gave her plenty of finances to support the girls and the rent but found out later where that money was going. Back on subject...
The friends home ended up also housing a boy-friend, who is a step brother to my ex. After around three months of arguements with her mother, plenty of missed doctors appointments and school events, my oldest daughter asked to come and live with me of which I gladly said yes... it wasn't long before the other two followed suit and we've been a happy little family since although the outside influences have never helped. Back on subject...
In the coming months that conversations between my daughters and thier mother lingered on it became apparent to everyone that there was an affair going on between my ex and her step brother, much to the dismay of the friends, whos house they were staying at. This discovery led to both my ex and the step brother having many conversations with my daughters of which attempts were made to have conference calls and arguements at calling my daughters liars and troublemakers. They had witnessed some of the events that led to the affair being discovered. I got to the point where I would no longer allow either the mother or the step brother to involve my daughters for these conferences. Both were soon thrown out of the residence. All three of my daughters are frightend and worried of this man, his criminal history is long and he seems to abuse control of women. I should point out that as time went by and the visits by my ex became more infrequent, they also become more violent with my oldest daughters.
My ex soon discovered that my daughters now longer wish to have any contact with her while this guy remained a part of her life, this relationship to them was disgusting, rightly so, they were raised by her to call him "uncle mikey". She sat with all three of the girls and promised that from that point forward she would do everything in her power to prove that "she loved them" and that "they were the only ones that mattered to her". Those lies were obvious shortly thereafter. My oldest daughter had left school work at her residence and had asked for two days that she return it, when she didn't show up on the second day, we got in my car and drove there hoping to retrieve the items. After knocking on the door for ten minutes, my ex answered, dripping wet and in a towel explaining how she just got out of the shower... Long story short... The step-brother was there, was in the shower and was hiding until we discovered him there. By the way, a baby, 8 months old, one that she had with another man during this story was walking around the trailer unattended and crying while the shower scenerio was playing out.
It was shortly thereafter that my ex decided that drug abuse was to blame for her chosen path. She approached my daughters for permission to have no contact with them over the next few months while she chose to attend rehab. of course my daughters were all for it.. again she promised them to never have contact or choose a guy over them again.
The length of no-contact lasted only about as long as it took me to cancel her welefare benefits once I was informed that she was claiming the girls and collecting over $500.00

in food stamps each month. I quickly figured out that the toll free number listed on the back of food stamp cards allows you to file them lost, therefore a new card is issued taking somewhere around 7-10 days to recieve. In the meantime, I called her case center to inform them of the custoday of my daughters (of which, I have court ordered full custody) only to be told that no-one is available to talk to me and that I would have to contact the dedicated fraud line to tell my story. Long story short... I did... ten times,... everyday for almost two weeks. No return call, so I went back to the case center and took in hand a certified copy of the custody arrangements, to which I was told would be copied and placed in her file, still no one will talk to me. Back to the fraud line, back to leaving messages, back to waiting on a call that never came. Someone directed me to the state director for state benefits, Mrs. Rutherford (614) 233-2701 if anyone cares to follow up. I called her office twice last week, twice I left messages with her assistant, who seemed very nice and willing to help... still no return call. This week I left two more messages, just tonight while leaving a another message, I was informed that the State Director could not help me with this case and that I needed to call the dedicated fraud line. Unreal... but only the beginning...
During the events listed above, and as you could probably guess, my ex got pretty upset at me cancelling her benefits but hey I'm a nice guy so I took her call when it came. As I was already aware she was prepared to cuss me up and down, stating that there was "no way that I was going to win and that I better change the kids schools muther fu**er because it's on now" Ok... I never expected things to go this far nor did I expect her to try to take the girls in expectation that this move would ensure her benefits.. I should state that by this point almost three months, one childs birthday and I have no idea how many school events had passed before she reappeared.
As she probably expected, this comment had me worried and upset. I'm happy to say that I'm employed by understanding people and I took the next day off in search of someone or something that could help us. I spoke to attorney's and got honest answers. The courts were closed for the holidays but would reopen on the following week and I needed to apply for a custody hearing right away. I've tried and paid for the dissolution route before with no luck but this time had more of a sense of urgency.. by the way.. I kept my youngest out of school that day. I finally ended up paying out $100.00 to file custody paperwork and obtain a court hearing for Feburary of next year, which I'm told is pretty quick as far as hearings go but did not settle our immeadiate need to protect the girls until then. A Civil Protection Order was suggested as a possible route although after talking to the attorney on staff I found that it may be better to have my daughters there for the hearing, to tell thier side. I would like to note, that I have not and will not lead them... ever. They are smart girls and work very hard.
I brought both of my oldest daughters back to attend an afternoon hearing, of which the baliff warned us that we should consider ourselves lucky that a particular judge is not in or else we would not even be heard. Our problem was that there was little physical evidence of injury, the courts do not want to hear of potential injury, or past smacks to the head. We decided to file the paperwork and attempt at finding the help we needed. In the end, after getting called in front of Judge Preisse we were allowed the CPO and temporary custody arrangements but was warned that we should have all of our paperwork in order for the full hearing a week later. We were very, very excited. The girls felt the could relax and I felt they were safe.
Sitting here and thinking about it, I dont believe that at any point any of us over reacted. I simply thought about the circumstances that we were being placed in and followed what we thought was the correct and honest procedures.
Little went on in the following week, save for the continued calls to the fraud line. Our court day was today, my oldest daughter was nervous and I felt relived that we could finally put this behind us and move on. I did find out the night prior though that she had never been served with the CPO or court documents. When we arrived at our scheduled court hearing this morning, we were not surprised to see her entire family in attendance including the step-brother hand in hand and smiling at my daughter.
I have always had more than my fair share of problems with this family, mostly from lies, threats or one problem or another. Never has any of us been close.
We put up with plenty of looks until finally we were called for our hearing, the entire family was led into the hearing room behind us. It took little time before I was accused of being a drug head, a non-supportive father and someone that never cared for my girls. My daughter by now is crying and the Judge is listening to very little of what we have to say. There were many times that her family decided to shout out what they felt would increase thier chances at winning. My girlfriend was accused of being a crack head, accused of signing my ex wifes name last year on tax refunds (I filed head of household btw) and I was accused of not allowing my ex of seeing her so loved children. On the issue of fraudulant collection of benefits, again that was me?? I can hardly sit here and say that any issues were raised or dismissed because most of the hearing consisted of my ex telling the Judge of her past hereion addiction, her five day stint in rehab and how she is doing well in recovery now. She even left the courtroom at one point to retrieve a 5 day certificate that Judge Preisse answered she would like to see.
At one point, my daughter while crying had asked her mother to stop lying and Judge Preisse remarked "that is sounds as if both her parents are screwed up and she should end up in the custody of childrens services" this remark really really scared my daughter. Previous to this court, I have contacted Childrens Services with no luck as to any help, again it was stated that the children were in no danger while living with me and if that changed to please call back.
The end result of our court day was with Taylor being allowed to forego visitation with her mother but the younger two are now forced to have overnight visits with her and the step brother. I asked for supervised visits and was turned down. I asked that the Judge review any of the many written statments made by my ex's former associates, or the 60 pages criminal background report... none of which ever left my folder. Our case is now continued to Feburary 15, 2009 and in the meantime I have to give these girls over to someone that doesnt want them, that only wants what benefits can be gained froming having children. My youngest daughter cried so much this evening that she is now asleep here on my shoulder. I love my girls very much. I dont have alot of money for attorneys and know that this type of fight can become very expensive. Please advise.

Curtis, have you ever heard the expression two wrongs don't make a right? You actually committed fraud by impersonating your ex and canceling her food stamp benefits card. You had no right to do that. Report fraud yes, but taking that action, NO.

No wonder the judge made that remark, "that is sounds as if both her parents are screwed up and she should end up in the custody of childrens services."

Frankly, I'm surprised the court allowed her battalion of relatives in hearing room at all. This should have been an immediate family only hearing, especially with the girls involved. The girls should have been afforded an opportunity to be questioned by the judge privately.

There's a reason the judge ordered a continuance. Facts and fiction need to be sorted out. Sounds like the judge may possibly not even be the one who will handle your case from the continuance on. This was an emergency hearing and quite often whatever judge is working and available that day will make the temporary decisions. It may not be this judge's time or place to accept or review any paperwork. So just hang on to what you have. Go in totally prepared next time.

If you were told to secure an attorney, then get shopping for one regardless of the costs. If you can't find one then ask the court to appoint one at the next hearing. Keep a detailed journal of any or all incidents that occur over the next two months.

At the court hearing be prepared to request drug and alcoholic evaluations from your ex. Be prepared to reciprocate with your own. I'm not saying that you were ever a substance abuser or that you have an arrest record somewhere of your own, but she does have the right to request the same for you. These evaluations can be very expensive, but necessary.

Be prepared to request a law guardian for your daughters. Be prepared to have every single area of the girls lives gone through with a fine tooth comb. Who cares for them while you're at work, etc.

Good luck.

I understand and agree, I never intended to commit fraud but will openly admit to the fact if she wishes to pursue charges however, I don't think for a second nor should you that this action amounts to any level of the parental responsibilty she has shown. I see no mention as to the fact that the welfare department knows of the fraud but does nothing to prevent it or any mention as to the courts complete lack of regard for my daughters safety? If my ex is really in rehab, would there be a harm in attempting to rebuild the relationship with her daughters by any means? even if supervised?
My daughters would openly discuss thier relationship with me and thier mother with anyone that asks.
The judge knew nothing of me stopping her benefits on the card, only of my desire to protect the girls. Still no explanation as to the Judge completely ignoring our documents but listening to her and her family?? My daughter felt ridiculed and ignored.
We saw the court for our temporary hearing over a week ago and was told to bring our documents and be prepared for this court hearing. The notation made on our documents for the continuance today was due to the fact that she had not recieved proper notice (served) although after her family statements were made, my daughters protections were removed. How can the court decide to change thier mind without hearing the evidence? without even holding court? our paperwork still says "continuance due to respondant was not served".
No one told us to seek consul although we were guided in the beginning paperwork stages by one. I was prepared today for every single test, evaluation or record they wish to ask for. Today my daughters are paying for thier mothers lies and crimes. I still have no idea what I can do...They comments you made as to the future are wise and will be followed but I forced again to wait until they are in harms way. Is it that hard to believe that a man can stand up and be a father? I am quickly becoming to believe the saying that "the woman has all the rights".

Still no explanation as to the Judge completely ignoring our documents but listening to hers??

Ah, but there is. Your ex openly admitted in court of her heroin addiction. It was important that the judge saw immediate proof of her document, probably without it she wouldn't have a fair chance.

Personal service is pretty much mandatory in custody cases and it's usually up to the petitioner to get them served. Didn't they tell you this?

I truly understand your concern for their safety. However, because there's an ongoing case right now, your ex and her family posse will probably do everything to comply with the younger ones' temporary visitation order. Once the case is over, there's almost a guarantee that your ex will return to her ways. You know it. I know it. I too, had the same concerns with my ex in the past. I could nothing to stop them from letting the my kids go with their father then. Eventually, he lost all rights, and stopped visiting them altogether. So nope, it's not a woman's right thing for sure.

As a future precaution to the girls' safety, you could and should request that your ex maintains enrollment in a continuing program like Narcotics Anonymous and submits periodic drug tests, especially if you can prove and show facts that she's a long term addict.

Thanks for replying so quickly. I'm stressed and an not by any means trying to offend anyone so first and foremost thank you for your time.
It helps to know that you've been through matters of the same type, kind and quality but still hurts to think that I am forced to turn a "blind eye" until something else occurs. My youngest is 7, a beautiful little girl and has the world at her fingertips. Even the thought of her head being filled with lies and bad tempers makes me sad.
The court told me that the service must be made by the county sheriff and I called everyday over the last week to see if service had been made. I knew going in today that they had "not gotten to it" but I also knew I had to be there, I didn't know that failure of service would be cause for the continuance. If the court continue based on this finding how can the court hear testimony then? refuse testimony afterwards?
I'm not crazy even to believe that I can go it alone and without consul only with consul did I file the original paperwork. I walked the documents downtown and paid the fees but verified everything was correct by them. I've visted our local law library. I've talked to everyone that will listen.
Thank you again for your time.

You're welcome. You haven't offended me, and we all understand stress. I wouldn't worry too much about her turning the 7 year old against you. In time, she will probably follow suit of her sisters. She's still too young to grasp the seriousness of the situation.

Whoever attempts service on someone (including the Sheriff) is supposed to turn in an affidavit of service. The affidavit will state whether or not the party was served, but it will show attempt(s) were made. It's a little more costly to use a personal server as opposed to a sheriff, but it's my own preference to use a personal server because I find the sheriff will limit attempts to certain hours of the day and probably only at one location. Personal servers will attempt all hours and all places you think she may be. There's also, but not always, the final option of nailing the summons to their door.

Regardless of whether she was served or not, she did find out and she did appear in court. Testimony moves on from there. She can no longer use the excuse she was not served, since adjournment dates are now given to her face at each appearance. If she fails to show up at the next hearing, a judge might just immediately grant your petition by default. Or they might adjourn and try one more time to contact her, giving her another chance.

Count your blessings. At least you still have primary custody of the girls. Get an attorney yesterday.