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(Cross posted in the Custody/Visitation board)

OK, so I have posted before about my SIL and her baby. I have a question.

1st, background:

SIL got pregnant in April/May 2007. Has lived with me since that same time. Her ex BF was living here, also, until early Nov 2007 -- when he accused my children and I of stealing his POT(!!!!!), and I put him out for bringing drugs into my house. He got violent, threatening me and my kids, punching holes in my doors, and making additional threats. SIL broke up with him in June. He stayed with "friends" until August of this year. He has not had a steady job -- and has not worked more than 3 months in a row -- since 2006.

Meanwhile, SIL had my DN in January 2008. She has always lived here, in my house, with her BM. She has never lived with her BD. Furthermore, he has been virtually unable to care for her more than a few hours at a time, by himself. He had kept her over night a couple of times, but required help (from the "friend" he was staying with). He even screamed at her when she was an infant, because she wouldn't stop crying.

BD has not supported DN financially (well, he bought her a pack of "onsies" when she was 3 months old, and he sent an $80 Walmart card this month). Has not supported SIL, emotionally, financially, etc.

As I posted in August, he went to visit his mother in CA. He had wanted to take DN with him. SIL said she wasn't comfortable with it -- but would allow it if he would sign something saying she had physical custody and that he would bring her back. He flipped and wouldn't sign anything. His mother even wrote to SIL and said "We're REAL Jehovah's, NOT fake Christians! We would never take her from you!" Well, BD went to CA -- and NEVER came back! Go figure! So, where would SIl be if she had sent DN?!

So, this brings me to now. BD emailed SIL and asked if he could see DN. He said he would meet her in OR to pick up DN, or get her here. SIL wrote back and said she would have no problem meeting him in OR for a weekend and having DN spend a few hours with him -- possibly an overnight. Or with him coming up here, to stay with his friends, and having him watch DN while she works, and 2-3 non consecutive overnights, depending on how long he would be in town -- but because DN was only 9 mo and had not seen him for almost 3, she didn't feel comfortable with sending her to CA for an extended amount of time, or having her away from BM for more than a day at a time.

He responded with "I'm tired of your control issues. I'll have my day in court. Blah blah blah"

SIL wrote back, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it was not my intention. I'm just thinking about the best interests of DN."

He wrote again and said, "YOU do NOT have custody of OUR daughter. I have just as much rights as you do and I will get my rights from a court. I am not the person you remember me as. I have changed! (In 3 months???) Blah blah blah I'll see you on Nov 7th"

OK, so, what rights exactly does he have? They were never married. He did sign the BC when DN was born. There are no court orders. It is my understanding that an unmarried BM has sole custody (at least in most states) and that the BD has none until there is a court order. Is that correct?

SIL is not trying to "keep" the baby from BD. She just wants to make sure she gets her back!! And that the baby will be safe and cared for when with BD.

Any info would be appreciated. We are going to go down to the court on Friday to see if there is anything she can do to keep him from coming and just taking the baby.

"It is my understanding that an unmarried BM has sole custody (at least in most states) and that the BD has none until there is a court order. Is that correct?"
In practice, yes. In theory, Dad has every right to possess the kid, but Mom is under no obligation to fork the kid over. The same is true in reverse. As soon as Mom hands the kid over, Dad is under no obligation to give the kid back.

"if there is anything she can do to keep him from coming and just taking the baby"
Yes. You simply refuse to hand the kid over. I think she should propose an agreed possession schedule to him. Make his time progressive as the kid gets older. Include a provision for child support, and I would have the child support go down as Dad gets more time. Make it clear that Dad is free to make a counter-offer. Have an attorney help with this to make sure the language is right, but try to avoid turning it into a court case.

[quote=BeaverFever] I think she should propose an agreed possession schedule to him. Make his time progressive as the kid gets older. [/quote]

She tried that. That was when he responded with "I'm tired of your power trip". Go figure! He refuses to "agree" to anything they work out. He just says "Give me what I want or I'm taking you to court". So, unfortunately, I guess they are going to court!

"She tried that"
Try again. This time, make sure it gets notarized and sent certified mail so she has a record of it. That way, he can try to explain to a judge why he refused even to make a counter off and wound up wasting the court's time.

"'Give me what I want or I'm taking you to court'"
Has he stated, specifically, what he wants? I mean on an ongoing basis, not just right now.

"So, unfortunately, I guess they are going to court!"
When (if) he engages an attorney, the attorney will eventually become aware that the other side tried to make an offer. If the offer is reasonable and stays on the table, I would be surprised if the attorney doesn't urge Dad to take it. This probably never sees the inside of a court room.

[quote=BeaverFever] "She tried that"
Try again. This time, make sure it gets notarized and sent certified mail so she has a record of it. That way, he can try to explain to a judge why he refused even to make a counter off and wound up wasting the court's time.[/quote]

I did tell her to send it to him certified mail (they have been emailing). I didn't think to have it notarized. Good idea, thanks!


[quote=BeaverFever]"'Give me what I want or I'm taking you to court'"
Has he stated, specifically, what he wants? I mean on an ongoing basis, not just right now.[/quote]

Sort of. He wants to "come pick her up and then bring her back later". And says that SIL will "know where she is (with him) and that she is safe". That's pretty much it!


[quote=BeaverFever]"So, unfortunately, I guess they are going to court!"
When (if) he engages an attorney, the attorney will eventually become aware that the other side tried to make an offer. If the offer is reasonable and stays on the table, I would be surprised if the attorney doesn't urge Dad to take it. This probably never sees the inside of a court room. [/quote]

I doubt he will get an attorney. I don't even think he has a job! But that is true!


Thing is, he started emailing SIL on the 20th, talking about how he's sorry he hasn't been able to come out and see that baby, but that money is tight and he just can't do it. All the while, he has already had his flight booked for the 7th of Nov! (We found this out yesterday from the people he is going to be staying with here -- who are friends with my 18 yo son) He is a liar, who does not work and has done next to nothing for this baby! And he expects my SIl to just hand over the baby because she shares his DNA?! I'm sorry, I would not do it! Even if it were my DH and we split up. And I knwo he is a good, decent man and excellent father. At 9 mo, there would be too much separation anxiety for that baby and it would not be healthy. That's my opinion!

He just doesn't get it!

"they have been emailing"
Oh. Well then she has it in writing. That was mostly what I was hunting for: something she can show a judge.

"Sort of. He wants to 'come pick her up and then bring her back later'. And says that SIL will 'know where she is (with him) and that she is safe'. That's pretty much it!"
He's an idiot. HE needs a written, enforceable schedule a lot more than she does. Right now, he has nothing. The only way he's going to get it is with an order. He can accept what a judge gives him, which he won't like, or he can negotiate something better. My guess is that the real problem he has is that he can't exercise possession on a whim at infrequent intervals. He wouldn't WANT to be held to a schedule.

[quote=BeaverFever] He's an idiot. [/quote]

That pretty much covers it, in a nutshell!!

The thing is, my SIL feels guilty about the whole thing -- and he knows that! She has seen what my DH (her brother) has gone through with his ex. She doesn't want to "keep" the baby from him. She is just afraid she won't get her back. Because he is so unstable, you never know what he will do.

I keep trying to tell her that DH and her situation are not the same -- that her brother has already proven himself capable of caring for his kids -- in more ways than one. I guess she just wanted "outside" opinions.