DivorceNet����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������®

Hello Everyone, I got my own apartment close to the kids and wanted to visit with them as much as possible. I was allowed by her to take the boys for a few hours in the evenings but never overnight. A few months ago I met someone else who has been a joy to be with. I moved to NY state about 4 hours away from where the kids live. While she is not actually telling me I cannot see the kids she is however telling me that I cannot take them overnight. I also very recently got her phone # so i can talk to the boys, she held out giving me this for almost 2 months. I think a bit of explanation is in order before I tell you why she won't allow it. When my first son was born we split the night feeding/changing/rocking etc. After his birth she wanted to be a stay at home mom. When my second boy was born she did all of the night feedings and I would sleep, this was because I was working 8 hours for my normal job and then extra after hours to bring in more money. Her reason for not letting me take the kids is that I will not get up with them in the night because I am a heavy sleeper. While I do sleep well, it is not to the point where I would not get up if my boys needed something, back then I would roll over because she was there to deal with it after I worked a 12-14 hour day. We had a date to appear in court and everyone showed up except for her. The Office of Child Support, my lawyer and myself. The courts had her correct address but had sent the notice to an old address so she was never notified. They told me that it would be a while before I was back in, this was on July 30th. The new court date is Sept. 4th. I have heard her tell her 10 year old daughter that she was a bi*ch and that she cannot stand to be around her. She only called her a derogatory name once (i stepped in) but constantly told her that she did not want her around. She was ready to send her off to boarding school and again I stepped in and said no you need to learn to deal with this. I went to visit my boys one evening and found my 2 year old son playing outside all alone and out of visual sight from any windows. When I asked why he was outside alone she looked at her 10 year old daughter and said well.... As if she was the one responsible for the child. None of this stuff is actually provable god I wish it was, which is why I am not filing for full custody. I am going to attempt to get every other weekend, every other birthday, every other holiday (shared xmax break), every one of my birthday's and father's day. A month in the summer and probably ever other spring break. My lawyer is telling me that this is reasonable but to go for any more such as split custody (every other week until they are in school) is not going to happen.

I would also like to note that I work from home full time as a payroll employee (not just a sub-contractor)

[i]We had a date to appear in court and everyone showed up except for her. The Office of Child Support, my lawyer and myself. The courts had her correct address but had sent the notice to an old address so she was never notified. They told me that it would be a while before I was back in, this was on July 30th. The new court date is Sept. 4th.[/i] Okay, so, what are we saying here? What does the child support court date have to do with your visitation status? How old are your boys now? Are they past the diaper changing, bottle feeding stages? Why are you mentioning of the new woman in your life? Having a significant other without marital ties won't enhance your position, nor would she qualify as additional pair of watchful eyes if that's the implication?

Hello,

My boys are 2 and a half years old and 9 months old.

The court date was for a hearing with child support and someone at the court to see if we could come to an agreement on visitation. The first visit the court did not notify her of anything so nothing could be done. The second visit we went in and she stated she did not want me to have overnights with the children. Because we could not come to an agreement a court date was set.

We were told that we had an hour with the judge. We went into the court and the judge tried to get a feel for the case. She said she only had 35 minutes and not an hour. She let my children's mother talk and then asked me a few questions.

They decided that because we did not have enough time that they were going to have to schedule yet another hearing date. However in the meantime I have a court order that states I get visitation with the boys in Vermont on every Sat/Sun. After 2 consecutive visits I get to have them overnight in VT. After that I get them every other weekend for an overnight in VT until we go back to court. Every weekend I have to pack up everything I have here that the boys will need and drive to VT and stay in a hotel.

I am following the court order however times are not stated and she thinks that she can pull whatever she wants. The court order says several hours each day and I have been getting them for 4 hours on sat and 3 hours on sun. She continuously expects me to work around her plans. This weekend I have to drop the kids off in Whitehall NY (at a paint ball range) where she will be. I do not feel that my children should even be close to a paint ball range at their ages.

There is nothing in my past that would give any reason to why I cannot take my boys for overnights, she is just trying to be difficult and it seems like the VT court system is allowing her to do so. Her only excuse for me not taking them overnight is that she is stating I will not wake-up with them in the night. She is getting this from when our second child was born. She wanted to be a stay at home mom so I was working long hours and it was agreed that she would do the nightly diapers and feedings. With our first child we shared this responsibility. Our first child was also a daddy's boy because I worked from home he was with me all day while she was at work.

I am waiting for another court date so that I can try to get my boys for overnight visits.

In my last post I mentioned my significant other because I wanted to explain the story a bit. She has 3 kids of her own which I help take care of. The boys have been around her and are not shy with her.

Every time I go to pick my boys up something else happens. Last time I dropped them off she was going to leave the 9 month old in the care of her 10 year old daughter while she went down the street to her boyfriends house. When I objected to her leaving him in a 10 year olds care (the same 10 year old who dropped him on a hard wood floor at 3 mos old right after I moved out) she stated that it was fine. I immediately went to the police station and had a welfare check done. When they arrived she was there with the boys however admitted to leaving the 9 mo old baby for 10 minutes.

I also asked her to bathe my children on a regular basis and clean the 9 mo old baby's ears (I had been watching and noticed they hadn't been cleaned in about a month, they looked so orange from was it resembled cheetos crumbs) and to wash the diaper bag which was supposed to be a powder blue but was very very black from not being washed. When I picked up the boys last time she wouldn't let me take the diaper bag, diapers, not even formula for the baby. I didn't have the money to go out and buy the stuff after renting a motel so I had to borrow the money from a relative to do so. She is now insisting that I buy my own car seats and will not let me take them when I take the boys.

Things are just getting too ridiculous.

I was on your side right up until the end... now I'm just on the fence.

I'm confused... you have a court order stating you get overnights but she is not "letting you"?? How is she not letting you? If she wrenching them out of your grasp?

And she does not have to give you any supplies, any carseats, bottles, formula, etc. You will need to provide everything your children need while in your care. That was the point you lost me. But I agree with you on everything else.

I have a question... if you asked for a court date why did YOU not serve her with the notification??? Is that typical in Vermont??

Sharon

Ok, both boys are a bit too young to be spending entire weekends, and the situation you're in now doesn't really accommodate them too well with you having to stay in a hotel while visiting them. To begin with, one overnight and part of the next day (say Saturday evening and most of Sunday) is a good start if they have to spend the night with you in a hotel. I'm pretty certain the average age of children beginning to spend entire weekends (in a situation as you're requesting) is probably closer to 3 years old. This wouldn't be so if they were able to see you more often and were more familiar and comfortable. Children that age can suffer anxiety when removed from familiar surroundings every other weekend. There's also that 4 hour drive in one direction. Even if she shared the drive, it will still be 4 hours for them.

I would suggest that you try to include in the court order, first overnights, then entire weekends, as soon as each child reaches the age of three.

I'm not saying she is right, but you need to understand, she sees what you are doing to her as problematic and causing trouble first. Her solution to your objections to the way she cares for the children is to simply stop providing these items. It's a legal way for her to use as "payback" for calling the law on her. Some people don't care worry about dirt, others scrub the same areas over and over. Some people wash diaper bags, some just throw them out and replace them every few months. You can't obsess over these things because the court will not see the small stuff in the big way you do. If you wish and you feel it may come in handy one day, then go ahead and keep a journal.

Yes, do provide your own car seats, diapers, formula, food, entertainment. Those things are expected of you. But be certain that the final visitation order addresses their clothing and belongings. These are to be provided clean, in good condition, and weather appropriate, and you are to return them in same condition.

The paintball range? Unless the children are exchanged within the range of the paintballs themselves, there shouldn't be any danger exchanging them in a parking lot. If you see any other places more appropriate nearby like parks, or libraries, etc., suggest those, that's all.

Good luck getting permanent visitation established and hopefully someday getting along well enough not to sweat the small stuff.