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I have been married for twenty years now, and we have three girls (18, 12, 10). The marriage has been rocky from the start, and even before. He is happy pretending that nothing is wrong, while I get more and more miserable with each passing year. I feel there is a lack of respect between us, and I am tired of the temper (only verbal, never physical), the negative attitude, and our politics are vehemently opposite to each other. Both of us have let our bodies go, and on my end, there is no sexual attraction to him. To make a long story short, I want out. I had thought of trying to hold out until the youngest was gone to college, but I'm finding that harder and harder to do. Plus, I can see the tension in the girls. They -know- that things are not good. While I know they love their daddy, they are more relaxed when he is out of the house, and more tense when he returns.

We own our own business--it is in my name, and I started it, but as it took off, he lost his job and came to 'work for me'. He does all of the paperwork, paying the bills, etc., but it is supposedly 'my' business. Although he doesn't let me make any of the decisions on it any longer--unless my suggestions agree with him. But that is another argument.

We have a potential offer on the business, a very good one. Plus our house has risen in value by quite a lot. We went on vacation this summer and the place we visited (out of state) we fell in love with the place and started to think about moving there. I have a job offer there, as well. He is unemployed (except by our business) and says he can't get another job unless he loses weight (something he's been saying for over three years). Neither one of us has family in Louisiana.

If I went through and wanted a separation, would I be allowed to move to this other state with the girls? We would sell the house and business, and we would split the proceeds (after paying off all the bills, both of us would still have a decent amount of cash in the bank). He could move as well, as he has no job or family here. What tends to be the courts' thoughts in this sort of thing?

Bottom line up front (BLUF); The courts are hesitant to allow a move when there are kids involved. If you and him agree to the move, then the court will not object. But if the father doesn't want the kids to go, then the courts will side with him. Also, based on what you have written, he could ask for spousal support from you and get it! Something else to consider.

>>>>"I had thought of trying to hold out until the youngest was gone to college, but I'm finding that harder and harder to do. Plus, I can see the tension in the girls. They -know- that things are not good. While I know they love their daddy, they are more relaxed when he is out of the house, and more tense when he returns."<<<<

That would be a good thing to stick it out till the youngest is out, but ONLY IF you can muster up an attitude change in yourself. The kids feel the tension because there is tension between the adults and it filters out. If you can bring yourself to "act happy" and put up a good front and be polite with your husband instead of displaying the disdain you are showing towards him in your post, that can help ease the tensions. Are the kids attached to their father? Is he a good father? Loving and caring towards them? If so then it will be detrimental to them to not have him around.

>>>>>"We have a potential offer on the business, a very good one. Plus our house has risen in value by quite a lot. We went on vacation this summer and the place we visited (out of state) we fell in love with the place and started to think about moving there. I have a job offer there, as well. He is unemployed (except by our business) and says he can't get another job unless he loses weight (something he's been saying for over three years). Neither one of us has family in Louisiana. "<<<<<

It would seem to me that the best strategy then would be to sell and move as a family. Then once you are settled into your new place, then divorce. There ould then be no move away issues and he may or may not find new employment (won't really matter in the grand scheme). The court is still going to split things evenly because of the length of the marriage so wouldn't it be wiser to do it after you sell and move. No bills to be split and just assetts to be divvied out. Oh, and BTW, he is not unemployed (there's that disdain again), he works for you!

As to the weight issue, you said you have let yourself go too, so the pot calling the kettle black is not useful here, it only causes more resentment and disrespect! Why don't you take him by the hand and go for walks or bicycle riding? Its a start on fitness and may help in building up some communication and good feelings, plus it won't hurt you both to start getting in shape. Who fixes dinner and does the food shopping? If its you then you have some control over the calories and healthyness of the meals served and the food kept in the house. Lead by example! Who knows, it may help mend some of the damage.

Thank you for your reply, brutal as it might have been. You are right, however, I do have a large measure of disdain for him now. This comes from twenty years of being told that nothing I say is 'right', of being verbally bullied, of being treated like a second-class citizen. I'm finally standing up for myself, and that makes me the 'bad guy'.

The girls love their daddy. And compared to some monsters that are out there, he isn't what I would call a 'bad' father. However, it takes an act of Congress to get him out to do anything with them. He believes that he parents more than he actually does. He does the same thing to them that he does to me--if it comes down to doing something, he will complain loudly and vehemently, but eventually do it. It is the process that becomes so painful. He has a tendency to fly off the handle when anything doesn't go smoothly, and before he has heard the entire story. Our employees and our family are 'afraid' to talk to him if something goes wrong, for fear of his yelling and sarcasm.

As for the business, he is 'employed by me' only by what I call squatter's rights. He had lost his job right after I started my business, and he insisted on helping. Nice guy, right? Since he is stronger in math than I am, I handed over the accounting part to him. It made sense, since he also paid the house bills. But now he won't give it back. He's 'quit' no less than four times (I have the emails where he says he won't do it any more), but he refuses to actually stop. If I suggest that I should take on the accounting work, he gets angry and defensive and refuses to hand over the files. It's easier to just let it go and back off.

As for letting ourselves go, yes, we both have. However, I don't think I can be accused of 'the pot calling the kettle black', since I admitted that we both have. And just because he claims to still find me attractive, that doesn't automatically mean that I will find him attractive. There is no magic formula for that. As for changing our eating habits and exercise habits, you can lead a horse to water...and you know the rest. I tried getting up early to walk with him. It lasted all of three days, and then he refused to get up early to walk. I wanted to continue for myself, but he harangued me and made me feel guilty for it. In the interest of peace, I stopped. If I suggest we walk in the evening, he's too tired. The morning? He's too tired. And if I try to go and exercise for myself, I'm being selfish. I'll suggest a healthy dinner at home, but he's not in the mood. We both do enjoy eating out, and we do that a lot. If I try to insist on staying home, then he'll get sour and moody, and make everyone around him miserable. It's easier to give in.

And that phrase has become my mantra to the marriage--it's easier to give in. And that's what I've been doing for the past twenty-odd years. And it's starting to wear me down.

In talking to a friend online (I have no local friends because any time I want to schedule 'me' time to attend classes or social settings where I might find friends, something always comes up to prevent me from going, or he complains that whatever night it is causes a conflict in his schedule. And once again, in the interest of peace, I give in), and she suggested counseling. Not for both of us (since he refuses to admit anything is wrong), but for me. So I suppose that will be my first step. I'm not sure what I expect the counselor to do for me, but I guess that will be his/her first goal. Mine has to be to have the balls to stand up to him and say "This is what I am doing, and this is when, so you will have to deal with it." I work a second, part-time job (that doesn't interfere with my own business), and I'll be using those funds to pay for it. Interestingly, when I took the second job (again, the hours are such that it doesn't interfere with anyone's schedule but my own), he declared that my paycheck would be put into the family account. No discussion. And if I protested, I was being selfish.

So yes, I suppose you could say I harbor some disdain for him, and for the situation.

You must remember you live in a "community Property" state....were you married here? by law half of what you earn is his...you can move, take the children with you but you may be required to pay for their visits back here if he chooses to stay....best bet is sell out give him his half and move on....he pays child support to child's age of 23 if they remain in school, otherwise age 18 is the cutoff...I've been there done that....good luck