DivorceNet����¯�¿�½���¯���¿���½����¯�¿�½������®

My ex and I divorced 12 years ago in Hawaii , he is still there. I moved to the mainland 10 years ago and have physical custody of the children. The youngest is there now and has informed me that he doesn't want to come home. I know this is his fathers doing. Sadly his father is not capable of caring for him. He travels weekly with his work and is gone 3-4 days a week. He has said he will hire a cook and a chauffeur to take care of him when he's gone. He also says he will be is sending him to a private school. I have no money and cannot afford going to Hawaii to fight this. Can the jurristiction be changed since our child has lived here for the past 10 years? :confused:

You need to file a complaint with the police on "Custodial Interference".

You should register your court order in your home state since the child has been living outside HI for so long. Jurisdiction would then be where you are living now.

You should go to court and request an "emergent exparte order" for the immediate return of your child. Your Ex is violating your court order.

How old is the child?

Thank you for responding.I contacted an attorney this morning but have not heard back yet. My son still has 2 weeks left on his summer visitation so I am not sure if I can file since he hasn't violated the custody agreement yet. My son is 16 which I know complicates things. What 16 year old wouldn't want to be with a father that is not home to supervise, buys him expensive toys and lives in Hawaii? Hawaii schools start earlier than here. Last night the father told me he is planning on enrolling him this week. This is the first time he has spoken with me in weeks . I am sad to have it come to this. Before my son left we had an interesting conversation. I asked him if he wanted to stay longer since this year he will not be playing a fall sport and didn't need to be back earlier for conditioning camp. He told me no, that he knew his father was going to try and get him to stay but he wasn't going to fall for his father's "empty promises and bribes". He said "I'm smarter than that". He loves his father but has been disapointed by him so many times. This was why I was so schocked when he phoned. I just wonder what kind of pressure his father is putting on him to make him take this stand.

Don't stop at one attorney, talk to a few and then go with the one you feel is as passionate as you are about your case. There are quacks out there that will just take your money. If your Ex enrolls the boy in school then that shows clear intent NOT to return him and then you could go in and file the emergent order and the immediate return of the boy!

You cannot get mad at your boy. He will want to be with and please the parent he feels the least secure about. The boy KNOWS you love him and he KNOWS he can depend on you, so he is naturally going to look to please his father since his father is a flake. You must be the responsible adult here and step in and stop this insanity from happening. Your kid will be relieved!

[quote]

You cannot get mad at your boy. He will want to be with and please the parent he feels the least secure about. The boy KNOWS you love him and he KNOWS he can depend on you, so he is naturally going to look to please his father since his father is a flake. You must be the responsible adult here and step in and stop this insanity from happening. Your kid will be relieved! [/quote]

You are so right. I had a long talk with my son today. (without his father standing by his side.) The more I thought about it, the more I knew his father was putting tremendous pressure on him. When he first called the words and expressions he was using were not his. He was basicly repeating things his father has been saying for years... "A boy needs his father,his real father. You've had me for 10 years now it's dads turn."
I told him I understood he wanted to be with his father but that he was making a decision that could affect his future for years to come and I thought he needed to take his time and not make it based on emotions. Apparently his father wants to groom him to take over his contracting business. His father has told him he doesn't need to go to college, he will teach him all he needs to know. I knew his father was pressuring him, now I know what his motivation is. Not the best interest of his son! The best interest of the father ( he's a narrcisist)
Going to college has always been one of my sons ambitions, we were planning on visiting a few before school started. I asked my son to sit down a make a list of the pros and cons and gave him a few points to consider. Some small and rather insignificant, some with far reaching consequences. I also gave him ample opportunity to defend his positions and he wasn't able to come up with much more than his fathers wishes and a great climate.
I will go ahead with recording the agreement here and talking to attorneys and his school. I want to give him time to think about some of the things we talked about today. I don't want to pressure him any more.Now that I understand his father's motivation, it will be much easier to negotiate my sons exit while keeping him in his fathers good graces. Thanks again for your very thoughtful opinion and suggestions on the matter.

I hope it all works out for you guys, good luck!

wow, I got such a chill reading this "A boy needs his father,his real father. You've had me for 10 years now it's dads turn."

that's exactly something my ex would say, in fact when he was defending himself after I confronted him about talking to the kids about our son going to live with him, he actually said "a boy needs his father". how creepy! I just recently realized that my ex has narcissistic personality disorder as well, which makes everything he does totally predictable and transparent, no longer the least bit confusing for me, although for my kids, very confusing.

I hope your son realizes he can't live as an extension of his father and be happy. it's so sad for kids to have to be put through that. I wish you the best, I think it is very wise to register you case in your home state.

An update on my situation. My son decided to return home. He realized that switching schools was not a good idea and also I think he also began to see that it was more for the good of the father than for him. He apologized for putting me through a week of worry. I knew it was not his idea and I also knew all of the carrots my ex was dangling in front of him.He is still there and since he made his decision his father has been laying heavy guilt on him. It's just one of his tactics in what he considers a competition between he and I. If you're not with me your against me... He is threatening to sell his house and businesses and go travel around the world... spend it while he can enjoy it. This is back firing on him in a big way with both his children. he will spend money on himself but not give his daughter money for college. Mia, I wish you much luck in dealing with your NxH. Even though we have been divorced for over 12 years and I have moved across an ocean and a continent away from him, he finds ways to disrupt our lives on a weekly basis. If you haven't found it already I suggest you check out the Narcissistic personality disorder support group on MSN. com
Yahoo also has one as well. It is full of information on the best ways to deal with people who have this personality disorder and I've found it a big help . Good luck to you . [url=http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/home1.msnw ]Narcissistic Personality disorder support group[/url] [color:blue] [/color]

yes, that is a great site! it's given me a lot of insight. it's amazing how transparent they are once you "break the code" so to speak.

I'm so glad that your son started to see what was going on. my son has been having problems fixating on male role models, trying to find what his dad doesn't give him. we had quite the emotional incident this week and it was so good! he out of the blue decided he didn't want me to get married again, he wanted to be adopted by one of my friends and her husband (she's been doing childcare for me). it took some prodding, but finally he was able to express that he doesn't want another man coming into his life expecting him to be perfect, and that his dad always wants him to be perfect and it's not ok to make mistakes. I almost cried. it's a heavy burden for a kid to carry. my FIL had told me the same thing, that when he saw my ex with the kids he was so hard on them for every little mistake.

my friend's husband treats my son like a kid, and tells him all the time it's ok to screw up, you just try not to next time. I think my son finally saw what a real father should be like, but he thought that was the exception and that the rule is how his dad treats him.

our kids deserve better than that.

"boy needs his father". how creepy!"

I don't get how that would be creepy. What if a mom said: "a girl needs her mother." That doesn't sound creepy to me either.