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I recently filed for divorce, my marraige has been practically nonexistent for about 4 yrs. I'd wanted out years ago, but financially couldn't afford to do any of it. I finally became so miserable at the thought of spending another year in the marraige, I asked my parents for a loan. They were very sweet, hired me a lawyer-leased me a car-and gave me some money to rent a place to live & buy some furniture for it.
My STBX seemed shocked when I told him I wanted a divorce..which blew me away, I wondered why he'd want to continue a marraige where his wife had been sleeping on the couch for almost 4 yrs, and the only conversation we had was about our 7 yr old son.
So I have tried to be sensitive when talking to him about the divorce, Making sure that he knows I'm not trying to screw him over--or take his son away from him...that he will still have our son 3 nights a week..because I feel thats whats best for our son.
My problem is that my STBX cannot afford a lawyer..I suggested he try and find some sort of legal aid...even told him where to go to get it. He refused to even look around for one.
Now he keeps coming to me with lists of things he wants me to tell my lawyer. Mostly things that don't seem to be in my best interest. For example.. he tells me things like "you need to claim the money your parents loaned you as income" I told him I thought that was a bit ridiculous, because my parents gave me a 1 time loan to get out of the marraige and set up my own household...its not an allowance....I will only be getting income from my job--which is part time..but he insists i tell my lawyer this--and dozens of other issues.
I don't think its fair that he's putting me in a situation where I have to advocate for him. I'm trying to be peaceful and fair, I know I have many years of raising my son with him, so want to get along for our son's sake...but I feel like if I don't ask my lawyer for all his lists of demands, and he doesn't get his way, he'll be angry--and make it difficult for us to get along.
I move into my new place tomorrow, I'm hoping that since our contact will be much more infrequent (drop offs & pick-ups of our son basically) he'll stop badgering me to make my lawyer do as he says...and I can try and think of what's best for me & my son instead of whats best for him..but I doubt it'll happen.
Does anyone have any advice or maybe have been in similar circumstance? I feel very overwhelmed by it all. I don't know what to say or do anymore.
Any help is welcome.
Thanks

I know several people who have used 1 attorney. Since you hired him he is really working for you. Although they try to be fair to the other person. Either have him call your attorney directly with these questions or tell him he will have to find his own attorney.

"I know several people who have used 1 attorney. Since you hired him he is really working for you. Although they try to be fair to the other person."

I'd have to disagree. My ex and I hired one lawyer to write up our decree. At the time, she was agreeable to joint physical custody, reduced CS, and equal separation of assets. After we finished, the attorney asked me to wait outside as he wanted to talk to my ex for a minute. A half an hour later, she emerged saying she couldn't agree to what we talked about...she had just learned she was "entitled" to more. It took 5 years of court battles from there, and alot of heartache for the kids.

The lesson I learned is to NEVER use 1 attorney unless they are a personal friend...they can't be trusted!

It does seem overwhelming. But unless the both of you come to a mutual agreement on all issues, and just need a lawyer to review and submit, I would recommend that you each maintain separate counsel. I think very few of us actually went into divorce with the money for an attorney, but we figured it out. He will have to come up with the money, a payment plan, or go pro se, but it really is in both of your best interests to maintain separate counsel.

It is commedable that you want to maintain a good relationship, but often the best of those intentions can go awry when you go through the divorce process and start negotiating. If you try to take the emotion out of it, and let the attornies handle it per the law, then you really do stand a better chance of coming through this on amicable terms. There is nothing wrong with negotiating and being fair by any means, but let your attorney's represent each of your best interests.

I had just about the worse attorney representing me for my divorce, my ex went pro se. He would meet with my attorney to get clarification on questions and they became fast friends...per se...as in the courthouse they would even shake hands when leaving. How much do you think I was fairly represented...not much.

My advice is to retain seperate council, and be as fair as you can to your ex. Do what is in the best interest of you and your son according to the law and keep the emotion out of it. Wish I had taken my own advice, because I was so green and uninformed of how the system works, that I made some bad decisions regarding the divorce and now they are impossible to change.

Good luck to you...take it all one step at a time.

Whoever hires the attorney that is the person who the attorney works for. Sounds like your attorney may have been unethical. They do recommend that everyone hire their own attorney but they will work with both people but can only represent one.

Well, technically I made the initial payment, but he certainly wasn't working for me...but he worked for her the next few years.

Sounds like she actually hired him then. Like I said they can only represent one party but they can work with NOT for both. Another learning experience in life.

I did hire my own attorney, my husband just gives me lists of things HE wants--and asks me to give them to my lawyer. My lawyer always tells me that he wants to be fair, but will be working towards my best interest. It's just very difficult for me, because every time I see him for a drop off or pick up for my son, he immediately inundates me with "have you talked to your lawyer?" "what did he say about such & such...?" and I can't seem to answer his questions to his satisfaction. Often he asks me specifics in front of our son, and I feel very uncomfortable discussing it in front of him..for example, finances... I don't want my son to think I am struggling--he knows money is tight, I don't want him to get worried about it though. It's getting me so stressed out. I just wish he'd get his own lawyer, but he refuses.