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Okay, I am pretty new to this...only been a SM for 3 years (still seems new to me). I am in Idaho and have a truly strong bond with a very supportive and loving BF. I have no kids of my own--can't due to the situation of my SS...right now he really couldn't handle it. He is 10.

When he was 2, his mom cheated and got preggers with her boss--she left the BF and now has 2 sons with that guy. She left the BF in a haze of lies and suspicion. Full truth took years to come out. BF has had a great deal of emotional baggage to tuck away...I came into the waaay later (more than 5 years later)...most of that baggage was truly gone. SS has NO idea as to the details of the divorce, yet, he is toooooo young. But when I married his dad, SS told me he DEFINITELY would prefer that we didn't have kids. Please don't think I am a patsy in letting a then-7-year old run me...he had some really intelligent reasons for asking this (I feel like an outsider at my other house, I don't like being the only kid without both parents there, I don't like that I couldn't call you dad and mom and they could."). It upset him to the point of hives. So I agreed "no kids, now, until if/when we decide, as a family, it is time." He was thrilled! So far, due to the tension with BM, we haven't even gotten to focus on "our family" (meaning BF, me, and SS), let alone *consider* adding anything new to it! Agggghhhh!

BM is an EXTREMELY controlling person who appears to be very suspicious and scared and attacking of me (subversivley, with her son, not blatantly) and I am having a hard time keeping my sanity. I am having a hard time deciding which battles to fight and which to just walk away from.

BM and BF started making good progress together 3 months ago by going to a mediator. They started--mistake (in my opinion) was not hammering down--a co-parenting agreement. Too much was left up in the air as the counselor "graduated" them. Needless to say, in the first instance where they truly had to "co-parent" BM flew back into her typical patterns and they are back at square 1.

Basically, she is causing such stress with constant phone tirades and nasty email jabs that I am having a hard time letting go of what I need to and working on the rest. Slowly we are learning and setting boundaries, but just as we figure one out, she tosses another one at us....groan!

So far, in ALL but one single instance I have been able to keep my cool with her. One email chain she attacked me personally and gave her a 2-word response which I am definitely not proud of....

Is it normal that after 3 years of pretty aggressive parenting I should want to back out and not walk away from BF and SS but definitely limit my role? How do I do this gracefully so my SS knows he is not the bad one? I am about to have a nervous breakdown.

How do people make this work? Will it get better? Right now BM doesn't want me at any school or shared events "until I can treat her in the manner she deserves to be treated." I am not mean or rude. I say hello to her, but I don't go much past that...in the past, if I do, she starts coaching me on how to handle her son and competing with me. I am nervous as to what to even say to her...I prefer as little as possible.

Sooooo glad to find this forum...what can I say? Help?!?

What the boy told you was very mature and true. Bringing another child into this would be selfish of you and his father, because the new baby would have a mommy and (HIS)daddy in the same house, whereas he doesn't. His were all excellent points, I hope you gave him a big hug!

>>>>>BM is an EXTREMELY controlling person who appears to be very suspicious and scared and attacking of me (subversivley, with her son, not blatantly) and I am having a hard time keeping my sanity. I am having a hard time deciding which battles to fight and which to just walk away from. <<<<<

So how is it that you know what she is doing? Who is telling you these things and why? And when you hear these things second hand (hearsay), why do you dignify them? It is nothing more than gossip and should be treated as such, which means you IGNORE IT! Now if she says it to your face, I would hope that common sense and dignity would be your guide on which battles to fight. Somethings are better walked away from, some others merit a slap in the face (both figuratively and literally).

>>>>Is it normal that after 3 years of pretty aggressive parenting I should want to back out and not walk away from BF and SS but definitely limit my role?<<<<


Your good sense is speaking to you, listen! It is not your job to parent this boy, that is his father and mother's job. Your place in this is as his father's wife and a good friend to the boy. That way, there are no mixed feelings. I love my step kids, but I am NOT their mother, not in any way, shape or form! They have a mother and a father, I leave the parenting to them, I act as an older friend to the kids. It works for us! :)

>>>>How do I do this gracefully so my SS knows he is not the bad one? I am about to have a nervous breakdown.<<<<

You do it sweetly. You go to his events and act politely as you have been to his mother and then QUICKLY spot something or some one across the room and make a hasty getaway BEFORE she can start. Keep loving the boy. DO NOT let the mother suck you in to her drama. Those 2 words you used, use them more often when its just you and her, she'll back off real fast when she sees that you are not going to take her BS anymore. :smirk: Plus you will feel so much better! DOn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she is driving you nuts, just let her know that you find her drama boring and very low class (trailer park, white-trashy, ghetto, Jerry Sprigerish; pick your favorite phrase) and you have better things to do. :grin:

If it all gets to be too much for you, then go. Your sanity is too high a price to pay for this. This child has parents, and they will be his parents FOREVER! SO the nutty mom will always be there, that is something to think about, is that the kind of home you want for your future children? And are you willing to wait and gamble for it to maybe change? Are ypou feeling that lucky?? Play the lotery then, and don't gamble your life or your future child's. :crazy:

>>>What the boy told you was very mature and true. [color:red] Yes, that's why I take what he says VERY seriously [/color] Bringing another child into this would be selfish of you and his father [color:red] Yes, we recognize that...UNLESS SS was okay and it was a FAMILY decision [/color] , because the new baby would have a mommy and (HIS)daddy in the same house, whereas he doesn't. His were all excellent points, I hope you gave him a big hug!<<< [color:red] Of COURSE I did. Hence what I said about not having kids until whole FAMILY is okay with it. Then, it eased his mind that I wouldn't just UP AND DO IT. I don't care if that ever changes (having kids), as long as he is happy and sane. [/color]

>>>So how is it that you know what she is doing? Who is telling you these things and why? And when you hear these things second hand (hearsay), why do you dignify them? <<<< I dignify them because I am put in a tough spot. I don't ever want SS to feel bad about loving his mom, but he tells me that he feels bad about loving me. That whenever he tells his mom something good about me she either compares herself (by saying thinks like "I bought my house ALONE while supporting 3 kids") or tears me down (Your SM is selfish, that's why she doesn't have any kids") to SS. HE brings it up. I am NOT trying to honor gossip, just figure out how to handle a tricky situation. So far I have handled it by saying to SS "you don't need to talk about me to your mom. If it makes you feel bad or ooooky, don't do it, sweetie. I know you love me." And am I being too sensitive or did you really mean to drop "common sense and dignity" in there? No matter WHAT the SM says to me, I can NEVER fight back, is my opinion. Never. My rule of thumb has been to TRY (even with a slip) to never say ANYTHING that I would later have to explain to my SS (keeping in mind that he will one day be 16 and able to process this stuff).

I am presuming I must have been doing too much whining by your rather aggressive response. Or, this is too close to my heart and I am just too sensitive to be criticized??? Even my therapist isn't quite as rough as you are. If this is the nature of this BBS then perhaps I am in the wrong spot. Sorry for wasting your time.

lil

I think you took what I wrote the wrong way. Please read it again and read it slowly so that my comments and advice have a chance to sink in. I speak to you from experience. I have to deal with a nutty ex wife and I never give her any satisfaction and it drives her nuts, I know what she thinks of me, but I give it no mind, since her opinion of me doesn't matter. I have cursed this woman out over the phone when she has stepped over the line, but show absolutely no emotion when I see her in public. I treat her as I would any stranger, I am polite, that's it. She and I do not exchange any words UNLESS it's "excuse me", "bless you", or to confirm dates for the childrens' activities. I don't hate her, my feelings towards her are indifferent, she hates me because I am married to her ex husband and making him deliriously happy and have been for going on 10 years! Your husband's ex probably feels the same way, she is just jealous of what you have and she couldn't hold on to! It must suck to be her! ;)

I was not attacking you. My questions and comments are meant to illicit a reponse or clarification from you.

You didn't state in your original post that the info was comming from the boy. That needs to stop. His mother is using and abusing him by making her nasty comments KNOWING full well that he is going to tell you. Your husband should speak to her about the psychological and emotional damage this can have on a child and hopefully she will curtail her behaviour. Next time the boy starts to talk about such things, tell him his mother "is entitled to her opinion and that's OK (with a smile)" and then change the subject! Be cheerful and DO NOT let your annoyance show (I know it will be hard). Your responses to him have been excellent. But, just remind yourself just like he tells you stuff, he is telling her stuff (he sounds like an informer! Ever listen to Bill Cosby talk about his kids?), so think of the satisfaction she won't get when he tells her that you said she's entitled to her opinion and then that is all he can say!

As to defending yourself against her, read my comments again. If she ever confronts you (which I highly doubt), then depending on the circumstances, you may defend yourself as you see fit. But don't give her or anyone else the impression that you fear her. Maintaining your dignity and respect means never lowering yourself to her level! Seems you have not, so you are doing a good job!

I can come off as aggressive, but what I am being is realistic and reality usually isn't pretty. Most therapists want to keep you in whiny mode, it pays their bills! If your therapist were to give you a back bone you wouldn't need his/her help, thus no payments from you. Something to keep in mind when getting counseling on anything. The purpose is supposed to be to help you work through the issues and go forth and do great things. If this isn't happening, maybe you need a new shrink.

I think you are a very kind and nice person based on your words here. You are a nice stepmommy and I am sure your husband appreciates that. Just make sure you don't become a doormat, you will earn more respect that way instead of pity. Beware of people who will mistake kindness for weakness.

Please don't get turned off to this BB, there are some really great people on here with great advice and viewpoints, even if they are different from mine! :)

<<<<<I can come off as aggressive, but what I am being is realistic and reality usually isn't pretty. >>>>

The problem is that too much "brutal reality" without trust *is* agressive. As this is our first series of posts, not to mention my first to this site, it is a turn-off for me. I get enough "reality checks" and aggressive behavior from BM. I was hoping for compassion and people that could RELATE and teach THROUGH EXPERIENCE. But thanks.

<<<<Most therapists want to keep you in whiny mode, it pays their bills! If your therapist were to give you a back bone you wouldn't need his/her help, thus no payments from you. Something to keep in mind when getting counseling on anything. The purpose is supposed to be to help you work through the issues and go forth and do great things. If this isn't happening, maybe you need a new shrink. >>>>

This is just nasty. Seriously. Besides the gross presumptions, there are 12 ways you could have said this and you chose *this* one? Although I appreciate your "pull yerself up by the bootstraps" mentality, your EXCELLENT message gets lost in your delivery. Oh, and by the way, you reminded me...you are right, I'll work with my shrink. I was hoping to find comraderie, here, not get schooled or coached.

Thanks.

lil

Being that this is an anon format "trust" really cannot be established. Besides it would be foolish to place any trust in folks you really don't know. What this forum accomplishes is for people to network and exchange advice and information. As for compassion....can't give you a hug through electrons~that technology does not exist. But you at least got my never to be humble opinion ;) and advice based on my personal experiences. I can relate to your situation since I have been there, so I pass on to you what worked for me. And the person who advised me was straightforward and blunt, so I never forgot her words. If my delivery is not all touchy-fuzzy-feely, sorry, but being direct leaves less room for misunderstanding or dilution of the message.

I don't understand how the BM can 'bully' you or give you 'reality checks', nor why you allow it. But I can guess that she does it because you allow it and let her get away with it. Don't you see that the woman is green with envy? Don't let it get to you, you should laugh it off (and roll your eyes), since it is just pityful on her part. Don't allow her negative energy to invade YOUR home and harm YOUR marriage.

I don't know why you find my comment on the therapist nasty, sorry, but its true. Its a job, they don't make money if they fix you quick. Some are ethical and do strive to truly help those they serve, but I know that many do not do it out of love but for the money. If a person is in therapy and not improving, then something isn't right (wouldn't you agree?). An ethical therapist would/should refer the patient to someone else that could help. Or if the patient is just coming in because they only want an audience to rehash their past and not help in getting healthy, I would hope that their therapist would point that out and help that individual get out of that pattern or drop them as a patient.

As for "hoping to find comraderie, here, not get schooled or coached", girl, I thought you came here looking for advice and insight? Have you not read through these BBs before you went ahead and posted? Did you not see that some of the advice and answers are not what the individual was looking for? If you would have then it would not have been a surprise to you that you will get schooled and coached and given words of guidance. What you do with this information is your business. What you can use, use, then discard the rest.

One more thing...by posting here your problem/issue can help someone else going through the same thing that is too shy to post, but they will read what is on here and learn and gain wisdom. This is the reason why I post. I have made soooooo many mistakes in my life, and I WISH that someone-anyone would have had the balls to sit me down and set me straight! All the pretty talk I got, and all the stroking did NOT do me any favors. I wish to prevent others from having to go through that.

Just so you know you are not the only one out there in this situation! I'm a step mom of 2. My husband and I have been together 9 years, married 7. The kids have lived with us for 8. my husband is the CP. The NCP lives in CA and is just a nutball. She will quit her job to avoid making cs payments, she won't insure the kids, won't visit them, shows them little to no attention and then claims that we've prevented her from having a relationship with them. Go figure. Her emails almost always attack me, why because i'm the one that is the center point in her children's lives. I'm the one that is there day to day, taking them to work, school, dr appts, bday parties...she does not so i'm the evil one for caring and "playing mom". Court battles again almost always revolve around me, because I'm not there to defend myself i'm attacked. California is very pro woman and does not reprimand her for her behaviors, lack of payment, lack of anything...and we're unfortunate that CA won't let the case come up here because Idaho is pro child....she would finally get what's coming to her if the case were here. This woman should have supervised visits in my opinion...she's been jailed and charged with physical abuse on my son when he was 3, he's now 18. My daughter fell out of a moving car and landed in the road because the NCP didn't buckle her car seat in or close the car door properly. She's a real piece of work! And the judges seem to think she needs more time to get her act in order...umm hi it's been 9 years now, how much more time does she need? She's a year older than I am to boot and lives with her mom!
So just so you feel better, you are not alone in this!