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Hi Hawaii, not sure if you have gotten your problem taken care of, but if you did get help from the military legal assistance guide, maybe you can help me. I just moved back to my hometown in Kentucky after living in arizona for a few months before then I lived in seattle for 5 years where i met my husband who is now stationed in hawaii in the army, after two years of marriage, he has asked for a divorce, he did this 2 months after I lost his child,you can just image my emotional state at that time, the last 6 months has been a battle because I have requested to see him and he has refused. I developed an illness in august due to the loss of our first baby and have been in and out of hospitals for the last 6 months. Bottom line is this, when he does file in hawaii, as a spouse that has requested a meeting, marital counseling and a short visit to hawaii to try to repair the marriage which he has refused, do you have any idea what my rights would be once served, can I request a hearing there in hawaii through the military personnel? Oh to make this case interesting, my husband was an immigrant, got his green card through our marriage, saids that it was love but no longer loves
me etc... Because of the serveness of my illness i had to get his commander and the colnel involved about my request to come or sit down and talk with him, which at this point he firmly believes I was trying to destroy his career etc, I was not the only reason I did that is because he refused to take my calls, and I had several
severe incidents in the hospital and they wanted to talk to him and
he refused to call back or answer his phone,I now know that because he had the opportunity to abandon me this way he did it, and unfortunately instead of helping me the commanders and colnels have helped him, everybody on the base now knows of our problems because of how many people got involved all I was trying to do was see him, talk to him face to face not over the phone, have him take care of what I needed financially and healthwise, which he did only after the commander saw to it, and it exploded into a free for all, with of course has his superiors thinking I am a out of control wife. I am not I am actually a very smart, intelligent educated female who has been through alot the last year and all I was asking for was my husband help in helping me until I got back on my feet. It took two to make this baby, and he would not be in the military if it was not for me he joined after we got married never telling me that this was something he was interested in, hhe has a degree in accounting but because of his status, background and accent, he is from west africa, he had a hard time getting a job in his field in seattle, plus he wanted his master degree without alot of loan cost involved, therefore the military was his option. At first I wasn't supported but then I came around my fear was that he would do what he did or be killed in duty while in iraq after that fear passed I was on board and supportive of his career choice. All I wanted was one meeting, or for him to atleast see that I get home safely to my family in kentucky due to my illness, he still refused, it's been and ongoing battle that I am ready to end.
What I am requesting is that he continues my healthcare after the divorce to add insult to injury he actually thought i was faking all my illnesses and that I wanted him to take care of me financially and was being lazy, this after I was the bread winner so to speak for the most of our marriage, he thought that I was doing this to stay married to him, I sent all my paperwork and documentation to his superiors to show this was no joke, I have congestive heart failure which can be deadly, and almost died twice from that alone.All I wanted intially was for him to move me
to hawaii so we could work on the marriage, he refused, now I have requested one meeting and healthcare, the only thing he will agree to is doing the healthcare is there a way I could get a meeting with him without going to court first? His commanders say as long as he refuses to bring me to hawaii or come to kentucky to meet with me I have no choice on this. I had a plane ticket to hawaii
once and he refused to pick me up at the airport. I was stunned at
the sudden turn of his meaness which he never showed while we were married, I suspect someone else is involved but can't prove it, it no longer matters now, the sad part of all of this, is I was never trying to harm him or hurt him, only doing what any woman would do, trying to save her marriage because she really loved her husband and didn't want to become a statistic.

Your take on the situation? To say I have been devastated by this situation is an understatement, I never wanted money or anything from him I had a long career in advertising and until I got sick work consistently and made more money then him, at one point I got offered a job in hawaii with the main paper there with a good salary still he refused to sign the documentation to bring me there instead he let me move to phoenix where i had no family and
after a month there called to say I am never coming home and I had
to go through heck to finally get home to kentucky so that atleast I had family to look after me when I got sick. He refused to even
go through the redcross to get me home, (he is a muslim, they don't believe in debts or loans I am a christian, yeh I know oil and water don't mix.

To this day he thinks he has done no wrong other than asked for the divorce. Your wife is evading, and I am on the other end trying to get a meeting with my evading husband, life huh?

I have since learn that when a man wants his freedom he will go to the ends of the earth to have it no matter who he hurts in the process. So why then would I email another man regarding my situation, just thought you might have some prospective on this from one divorcee to be to another, you might indeed agree with all that my husband is doing, my husband has said many times that his military co workers think I am at fault for all that I tried to do, and why can't I just be mature and let him go? I ask him
the same question why can't you be a man and take care of your responsibilities other than financial obligation, why would I have to get your superiors involved if you would have done what others do and that is sit down and talk to each other. Now he is getting ready to be deployed so that presents another problem with this situation, you yourself may already be gone. For anyone that is reading this as you can tell my frustration by all that I have written any comments, advice or suggestions will be well received
even if it's not in the most postive light.


Thanks

LRBlessed

I am not HAWAII but I hope I can be of assistance to bring some clarity into your issues. I will warn you that I can be brutally honest, so be prepared, what I have to say isn't pretty.

>>>>after two years of marriage, he has asked for a divorce, he did this 2 months after I lost his child,you can just image my emotional state at that time, the last 6 months has been a battle because I have requested to see him and he has refused. <<<<

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, and I feel for the loss of your baby; but it sounds like your made a mistake in marrying this man and he wants out of the marriage. It is a good thing that there aren't kids because this man was obviously NOT ready to commit or start a family with you. Be glad he is gone! He does not and never did love you!

>>>>Bottom line is this, when he does file in hawaii, as a spouse that has requested a meeting, marital counseling and a short visit to hawaii to try to repair the marriage which he has refused, do you have any idea what my rights would be once served, can I request a hearing there in hawaii through the military personnel? <<<<<

The Military will not assist you in this. You are on your own. Speak to an attorney.

>>>>>Oh to make this case interesting, my husband was an immigrant, got his green card through our marriage, saids that it was love but no longer loves me etc
<<<<<

He never loved you. His are not the actions of a man who loves. As to the immigrant status, since he has joined the Military he can now get his citizenship expedited.

>>>>> Because of the serveness of my illness i had to get his commander and the colnel involved about my request to come or sit down and talk with him, which at this point he firmly believes I was trying to destroy his career etc, <<<<<

I would say he was right, you were trying to destroy his career...He doesn't HAVE TO talk to you! Let it go.

>>>>>>I was not the only reason I did that is because he refused to take my calls, and I had several severe incidents in the hospital and they wanted to talk to him and
he refused to call back or answer his phone,I now know that because he had the opportunity to abandon me this way he did it, <<<<<<

Yes, he has abandoned you. What did the hospital need to contact him about anyway?


>>>>> and unfortunately instead of helping me the commanders and colnels have helped him, <<<<<<

That is their job, to protect the Soldier.

>>>>> everybody on the base now knows of our problems because of how many people got involved<<<<<<

Yes, and you can't undo that.

>>>>>all I was trying to do was see him, talk to him face to face not over the phone, <<<<<<

Why? Where is your pride and dignity woman?! Stop begging and crawling after him!

>>>>>>have him take care of what I needed financially and healthwise, which he did only after the commander saw to it, and it exploded into a free for all, with of course has his superiors thinking I am a out of control wife. I am not I am actually a very smart, intelligent educated female who has been through alot the last year and all I was asking for was my husband help in helping me until I got back on my feet. <<<<<<

All you needed to do was inform his Commander in writting that your husband was not meeting his financial obligations to you in and then list your outstanding bills, and give him a deadline on a response, after wich you would contact your congressman.That is all you really needed to do. Your actions have led to you being labeled as a nut and psycho. That is what we call the wives who call us with their marital issues and expect us to make their husbands do as they say! It doesn't work like that. If I had been in your husband's unit I'd have told you to contact a lawyer and get a court order for support! A good loving husband would have VOLUNTARILY swum across shark infested waters to be by his beloveds side!

>>>>> What I am requesting is that he continues my healthcare after the divorce<<<<<

He can do so but only for a limited amount of time under COBRA. TRICRE will not cover you once the divorce is final. After that, you are on your own. No court will order him to either, especially since you were married for such a short time.

>>>>>>I have congestive heart failure which can be deadly, and almost died twice from that alone.All I wanted intially was for him to move me to hawaii so we could work on the marriage, he refused, now I have requested one meeting and healthcare, the only thing he will agree to is doing the healthcare is there a way I could get a meeting with him without going to court first? His commanders say as long as he refuses to bring me to hawaii or come to kentucky to meet with me I have no choice on this. <<<<<<

Why would you want to force yourself on him? He doesn't want to see you, so why would you want to see him???

>>>>> I had a plane ticket to hawaii once and he refused to pick me up at the airport. I was stunned at the sudden turn of his meaness which he never showed while we were married, I suspect someone else is involved but can't prove it, it no longer matters now, the sad part of all of this, is I was never trying to harm him or hurt him, only doing what any woman would do, trying to save her marriage because she really loved her husband and didn't want to become a statistic.
<<<<<<

I doubt it. No normal self respecting woman would chase a man like you have, especially when he treats her as this man has been treating you! Why would you want to be married to a man who fooled you into thinking he was nice and then after he marries you and gets you pregnant abandons you?? Then you become deathly ill and he cuts off all contact!!!! Oh yeah, he sure is the kind of guy we'd all want for our daughters!!! (NOT)

>>>>> I have since learn that when a man wants his freedom he will go to the ends of the earth to have it no matter who he hurts in the process. <<<<<

Yep.

>>>>>my husband has said many times that his military co workers think I am at fault for all that I tried to do, and why can't I just be mature and let him go? <<<<<<

I'd love to know your answer to that question! Why is it you just don't let him go?

>>>>>>I ask him the same question why can't you be a man and take care of your responsibilities other than financial obligation, why would I have to get your superiors involved if you would have done what others do and that is sit down and talk to each other.<<<<<<<<<

What is it that you expect to get out of a face to face conversation with the man? If he doesn't love you, what do you expect? If he is being financially responsible, then that is great. You should look into getting on SSI and Title XIX if your condition is that severe and disabling, so that when you are divorced you will have some money to depend on and insurance.

>>>>> Now he is getting ready to be deployed so that presents another problem with this situation, <<<<<<

What problem is that? I see it as an advantage to you both. You can't harrass him with phone calls, and he cannot proceed with a divorce, thus you are still legally married to him until he gets back. It will buy you time to get better, and get yourself situated for when you are divorced and no longer his legal dependant. If he gets killed while in Iraq, you will receive widow's benefits.

I don't mean to sound harsh and unfeeling here but you need to wake up! Take care of yourself. It is great that you are back home with your family. Accept the fact that you made a big mistake marrying this man. Be glad that there are no children of this marriage, since their lives would have been devastated by yours and his shenanigans!

Statement first thanks for your honesty no matter how brutual.

First the reason it was so important to me to speak to him face
to face is because I wanted to know why he chose to leave the way that he did. He asked me to marry him and give him children in addition to our careers, I was on the path of doing so until all hell broke loose.

I have too much to say about the military and the treatment that
they to give spouses men or women, I was not trying to destroy his career no matter what you think.
In addition I think it is childish and immature for anyone to label
someone's spouse not knowing the tragedy that they might have suffered at the hands of their spousea or life in general.

For you to label someone when they are obviously just trying to resolve personal issues saids alot about your character as a woman.

Until my husband came along I was a career oriented, person at the
height of my profession. I am good at what I do, I am ambitous, aggressive and motivated, and rarely when I want something and set my mind out to get it do I ever fail.

So when I decided I wanted to see him face to face, that's what I tried to do. Never really thinking oh, let me destroy him because
he hurt me. It wasn't like that. In addition before my husband, I had never been dumped before, it was me ending my relationships
and I respected the individuals enough to do it face to face. This
was different it was a marriage. In addition I will not get into
all of what I suffered due to the lost of my child, but it was more
than just a normal stillborn lost. In fact the medical doctors said
it was a miracle that I pulled through and that it took me six months to break down after the lost. Until you have walked in my
shoes and experience what i have experience you cannot speak. I will also tell you that I was told something medically that to any woman would be devastating to hear, any woman that is that wanted
children and a family.

Regardless of all that, you are right in the fact that I may never
know the true reason why my husband did all this.

Since my posting we have spoken and I have a better understanding of why he left. Inspite of what you think, ( you basically let it
show in your writing, that you thought I was incompentent woman, not knowing the person you are speaking to is highly intelligent
and educated.)

My husband knew me well enough to know that I was too strong of a woman to just let him walk without some answers, that why he chose
to do it the way he did, and his reasons for not seeing me is just
simply as he said it himself, " I cannot handle you, when you are upset and angry, you become still in your need to do things your way, and damn anybody elses opinion or needs, I knew that to end this with you I would have to leave, I am admitting, it might have been the wrong way, but I have never encounter a woman with so much strong will to do things her way."

Those are his words, to put it bluntly, he could not handle me.
I am actually smiling about that. Not because I hurt him, but to
know that our marriage ended simply because he wasn't man enough to handle the woman he married. He thought he could control me, when he learned he couldn't he walked. His lost not mines.
More or less he was not man enough to deal with a woman who put
him on the spot and said now that I am not capable of doing it
all you need to step up to the plate and do it and be a responsible man and husband. He did not want to do that. So I called him on it. If It had not been for me, he would not have a career in the military. If was not for me, he would not have some of the clothes on his back, his english would not be as perfect as it is, the list could go on, i will not continue to say what I have done for him, all i was saying was it was time for him to do for me. Although on many levels are relationship was equal, when it came to money, that was all me, and though in other areas he was there when i needed him, this time when I needed him the most he bailed, and with my personality you don't get to do that with me the way he did and walk away with out answers. I can let you go
but you need to explain yourself. Period.

To give him some credit, he is intelligent and educated, but like
you said though in his 30's like me he was not ready for marriage.

Simple honesty, would have spared all these ridiculous events over
the last few months.

Thanks for your honesty, you sounded a bit bitchy, I am going to assume that is because you are in the military. What I have seen
over the pass few months is that the military lifestyle takes away
your compassion. I am glad that I will no longer be associated with this group. I will however continue to pray for the soliders
over in iraq, the slogan army of one, is sad because you only take care of your own and not the families that have endure being with someone who is in fact brainwashed in their way of thinking and dealing with lifes obstacles and issues. My statement comes from your statement that the military takes care of it's soldier, well
what about the family who risk everything to support them?

If you ever met me on the street you would suprise at how much
of a competent person I am. Judge all you want, I know myself.

Have a good day.

LRBlessed

I love a lively debate! Thanks for responding to my response! I am glad you appreciated my brutal honesty, so here goes some more; my rebuttal to your statements.

>>>I have too much to say about the military and the treatment that
they to give spouses men or women, I was not trying to destroy his career no matter what you think. <<<<

Your actions could have cost him his career and you did not think about that! If a Soldier has what we perceive as an out of control spouse, it will negatively impact him. It makes us wonder if he can be entrusted with the lives of those he is responsible for when his homelife is out of control. The Military is based on maintaining good order and discipline, and if a Soldiers spouse is causing havoc in the unit and with the Soldier, then that can disrupt the whole.

>>>In addition I think it is childish and immature for anyone to label
someone's spouse not knowing the tragedy that they might have suffered at the hands of their spousea or life in general.<<<

It is not the Military's job to fix your and your husbands personal issues. There are legal channels to turn to to remedy that. I will extend my sympathies for the tragedy, but come on, if someone sounds "unbalanced" on the phone, afterwards, humans being human, they are going to be labeled based on their words & actions.

>>>For you to label someone when they are obviously just trying to resolve personal issues saids alot about your character as a woman.<<<

Look, my main concern and DUTY as an NCO, is to TAKE CARE OF SOLDIERS. That is my primary focus ALWAYS. I will advise an upset spouse on what legal actions they can take to resolve whatever the issues are (like referring them to an attorney), but I will also sit the Soldier down and hear his or her side and advise them in accordance with Army Regulations. Your opinion of my charecter as a woman is of no concern to me. I am a Soldier first.

>>>Since my posting we have spoken and I have a better understanding of why he left.<<<

That is excellent! Glad that you can now have closure.

>>> Inspite of what you think, ( you basically let it show in your writing, that you thought I was incompentent woman, not knowing the person you are speaking to is highly intelligent and educated.)<<<

Sorry you took it that way, that is not what I wanted to convey. I thought different, I saw you as a woman so desperate for an answer that she acted foolishly. I never questioned your intelligence, just your common sense. As for being educated, I know MANY educated fools! (not saying you are one, just be careful when you throw that "I'm educated" crap around)

>>>My husband knew me well enough to know that I was too strong of a woman to just let him walk without some answers, that why he chose
to do it the way he did, and his reasons for not seeing me is just
simply as he said it himself, " I cannot handle you, when you are upset and angry, you become still in your need to do things your way, and damn anybody elses opinion or needs, I knew that to end this with you I would have to leave, I am admitting, it might have been the wrong way, but I have never encounter a woman with so much strong will to do things her way."<<<

If the roles were switched and you were the man and he the woman...his statement would sound like that of an abused wife trying to run from her abuser. Just something to think about.

>>>Those are his words, to put it bluntly, he could not handle me.
I am actually smiling about that. Not because I hurt him, but to
know that our marriage ended simply because he wasn't man enough to handle the woman he married. He thought he could control me, when he learned he couldn't he walked. His lost not mines. More or less he was not man enough to deal with a woman who put
him on the spot and said now that I am not capable of doing it
all you need to step up to the plate and do it and be a responsible man and husband. He did not want to do that. So I called him on it. If It had not been for me, he would not have a career in the military. If was not for me, he would not have some of the clothes on his back, his english would not be as perfect as it is, the list could go on, i will not continue to say what I have done for him, all i was saying was it was time for him to do for me. Although on many levels are relationship was equal, when it came to money, that was all me, and though in other areas he was there when i needed him, this time when I needed him the most he bailed, and with my personality you don't get to do that with me the way he did and walk away with out answers. I can let you go
but you need to explain yourself. Period. <<<<

I have to ask you...with all these faults and shortcomings, you found him attractive and husband material?? (yeah, I'm being sarcastic) Seems you got yourself a fixer upper!

>>>Thanks for your honesty, you sounded a bit bitchy, I am going to assume that is because you are in the military. <<<

Maybe, but I do pride myself on being a Queen Bitch! I speak my mind and say it like it is. I work mostly with men and they tend to appreciate the direct approach, so do I.

>>>What I have seen over the pass few months is that the military lifestyle takes away your compassion. <<<

No, just our patience! ;)

>>>I am glad that I will no longer be associated with this group.<<<

I think I can speak for all of us when I say THANK YOU for doing so!

>>>I will however continue to pray for the soliders over in iraq,<<<

Our Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen appreciate it. Thank You.

>>>the slogan army of one, is sad because you only take care of your own and not the families that have endure being with someone who is in fact brainwashed in their way of thinking and dealing with lifes obstacles and issues. My statement comes from your statement that the military takes care of it's soldier, well what about the family who risk everything to support them?<<<

You speak out of ignorance of what the Army is all about. We have VERY high values and I know I take them very seriously and I have no respect for Soldiers that don't. Of course we take care of own, because no one else will! Do you realize that the civil rights YOU enjoy, we as Militay personnel are denied? We do not have freedom of speech, our opinions are censored, our lives are not our own. We all freely signed our lives away when we signed that contract and raised our hand and swore an oath. Our job is to defend YOUR freedoms, but we do not get to enjoy them. It is the Soldier's responsibility to take care of his family, not the Military's, because unless it has changed in the last few hours, the spouses and kids don't sign anywhere on that contract. Nor are they required to wear the uniform, show up to formation, do PT, pull guard duty, carry a weapon, be on call 24/7 365 days a year or place themselves in the line of danger! So please explain to me just what it is YOU are risking again?!

In closing, I am glad you got what you wanted. I hope you recover your health and go on to lead a happy and healthy life.

I was too busy over the last several months to respond back to what you wrote. I will just simply say this to all that you said,
okay so you are a solider first, and because you work with men you
have decided that the only way to work with them is become one, (basically I mean in your attitude toward civilians, and spouses.)
I am a professional and worked in an industry that is also run by
men, but first and foremost I am proud of being a woman my talent
speaks for itself, and to do good at my job, I don't have to become
one of them, I am myself, and so far that has taken me to and through some pretty good career opportunities, I don't need to be
bitchy to achieve my goals.

Your statements really just prove my point on the arrogrance of some of the people who serve our country, as if the job they do is
the only one that makes a differences in the world. So what if they have to get up early and run, and handle guns etc... I know people who have harder jobs that work for our government but are
of a caring nature and have human kindness toward others. All I have to say is HADITHA. True a person can only see so much or take
so much and they are bound to snap, but when you are taught to feel
nothing toward other human beings life, what happened there will continue to happen in this world. In regards to my ex husband to be
his arrogance will eventually cost him everything. He would not even be in the military if it was not for me marrying him and providing him with his green card status to enter into it.

As for his character, he did not show his true self until this past year. Those who have known me for years was just as stunned
as I was. Lesson learned the hard way it will never happen again.
Something tells me you might be one of the people that he has talked to who actually told him to get a divorce from me. I will
simply say this, outside of that uniform everything he has he got
because of his relationship with me, he needs to be thankful instead of arrogant.

All I have to do is sit back and watch as god does what he does best. For those who think they are superior human beings, god finds ways to humble them. As for you calling your self queen bitch. Well the statement stands as it is. I will not respond to anything else you have to write simply because you other than the fact that I felt the need
to write today, you or anyone else that serves under or around you
don't deserve my breath or words.

LRBlessed.