About six years ago I weathered my own divorce. The decision to dissolve a
marriage of nearly 17 years was not an easy one, but when I realized that my
divorce was not much different than all the cases in which I had represented
one of parties, I learned something I previously missed as a lawyer. People
who go through a divorce experience a devastating loss often paradoxically
mixed with a renewed sense of hope. I also learned that being a client can
be more difficult than acting as someone's divorce lawyer.
I didn't feel much like reading during my divorce. Although I bought a few
"how to get through divorce" books, I never read more than a chapter here or
there. They were either too depressing or sugar-coated. Some of them were
far too analytical for that time in my life. I found what was most helpful
was the encouragement and words of real hope I received from those who had
endured the divorce ordeal themselves. Everyone kept telling me "Don't
worry. It'll get better." I wanted to believe it, but I wasn't sure.
It has since occurred to me that while there are a plethora of great
and wondrous texts about relationships and the ways to improve them, there
is not a simple and direct little book about the legal and emotional aspects
of dissolving a relationship that most of us believed was supposed to last
for the rest of our lives. The Divorce List endeavors to fill that rather
tall order.
In the words that follow, I have tried to impart to you some of the
hope I held onto during that most difficult time in my life. But there was
also a practical aspect to getting through that ordeal and advice concerning
that is included as well. As a divorce lawyer, I thought I knew the most
practical way to dissolve a marriage but I did not. I learned the most
while observing my own lawyer direct my case. It was not until after I was
given the experience of being both a client and a lawyer that I truly
understand the sometimes subtle nuances of the process.
Divorce is unlike any other form of dispute for it always involves deep
emotions and feelings most of which often go unaddressed. Regretfully most
divorce cases are driven by these emotions and feelings which can unduly
cloud the real issues which in turn often leads to escalation of
hostilities. I believe it is important for both the client and the lawyer to
be aware of how this emotional aspect of divorce affects a particular case.
Some clients are more emotional than others so there needs to be an
adjustment in each case to facilitate a successful resolution of the
practical issues of divorce.
After my own divorce, I returned to handling mostly divorce cases again.
Somehow my own experience, while represented by a very competent lawyer,
changed my perspective about the whole process. He understood the process
from a lawyer's perspective and I was learning to understand it as a
client's. I never really knew my lawyer except in my past professional
dealings with him. He understandably maintained his professional distance
even after I became his client. But he helped me realize the importance of
staying focused while following his lead. I took it upon myself to seek
other professional help see me though the emotional roller-coaster I was riding.
I also realized that being a divorce lawyer is a sort of necessary evil;
someone has to do it. I must confess that I am not always proud about what
I do. I sometimes feel like a Dr. Kavorkian of the legal profession helping
ordinary people end their marital misery. But like the self professed
"good" doctor, I try to accomplish my mission with some measure of
compassion and dignity for those involved. Unfortunately however, some
marriages will only go down kicking and screaming. Those are the ones who
will best benefit from reading this little book for dignity and compassion
are often hard to come by when you feel afraid or angry..
Since focusing my small town practice on divorce during the past 6
years, I began developing a list of observations and bits of advice which I
would often impart to my clients. Many of them seemed genuinely amazed
when something I told them might happen actually came to pass during the
course of their case. I eventually realized that being a divorce lawyer
calls upon my teaching skills in addition to representing and advising my
clients. It therefore made sense to have this list compiled in one place
where it could be easily and repeatedly, if necessary, referred to. Another
book was born.
These days, everyone knows somebody who is in the midst of the drama
and crisis which so often accompanies an acrimonious marriage dissolution
proceeding. I prepared this little reference book for those who are either
contemplating the often sad reality of an impending divorce or those who
already enmeshed in this most unfortunate of life's experiences.
This book is intended for you if you are currently going through a
divorce. Your lawyer may also benefit from reading it although many divorce
lawyers already have their own idea and perceptions about how the process
works. Divorce lawyers may however find this little book helpful in dealing
with the daily stresses and strains of a domestic relations practice which
often includes the complications of client relations.
I believe that divorce is a process. It must unfold in its own
time. It doesn't happen overnight even if the kitchen utensils and bedding
have already been divided. The memories, the love and the ties that bind us
together in marriage do not easily, if ever, dissolve along with the legal
relationship. This book is designed to help you through the process
regardless of the what stage you might find yourself in. Hopefully, you
will find this little book both simple to read yet insightful and helpful.
Regretfully, these are not instructions for a happier, fuller life.
Yet, in some inexplicable way, they may improve your daily routine while you
are engaged in a sad and frustrating ordeal. They are based for the most
part upon years of observation and first hand experience both as a divorce
lawyer and as a client who has survived the rigors of a hard fought marriage
dissolution.
The words which follow are for you to ponder in your own
circumstance. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Excerpts from Chapter 1 "Divorce"
- Explore all possible alternatives to avoid getting divorced.
- Too many marriages already end in divorce.
- Before filing for a divorce be certain that it is the right thing to do
and that it is what you really want.
- Before filing for a divorce, carefully consider the consequences
especially if children are involved.
- Divorce affects more people than just you and your spouse. There are
your friends, your family members, your co-workers and most
importantly, your kids.
- Talk to someone you trust and respect who has gone through a divorce to
better understand what it entails and how it might effect you and
others.
- Even though it is often expensive, time consuming and painful, it's still
too easy to get divorced.
- Unless there are compelling reasons to immediately remove yourself from a
relationship such as personal safety or the safety of the children,
try everything you can think of to salvage your marriage.
- Your marriage is not disposable but if it must end, it deserves a
respectful and dignified termination.
- Respect and dignity may be hard to come by during divorce.
- Preserving your marriage may be less painful than dissolving it.
- Divorce takes time. The amount of time it will take is directly
proportionate to the length of your marriage and the amount of your
material accumulations.
- When children are involved, divorce usually takes longer and costs more
in legal fees and emotions.
- Let your case run its course. You can't rush love and you can't rush
divorce.
- Divorce is stressful and it hurts even the strongest among us.
- Divorce is the single most emotional form of litigation known to humanity.
- Stay on the high road even if the other side does not.
- Don't have unrealistic expectations about the outcome of your divorce.
In fact, don't have any expectations and you are less likely to be
disappointed with the result.
- If your spouse has moved out of state, consider filing as soon as you
can in the state where you live or you might lose the home state
advantage if there is one.
- If you've moved out of state, find out what your new state's residency
requirement is for filing a divorce, and if you advisable, file
before your spouse does so you don't have to return to your old home state.
Excerpts from Chapter 2 "Lawyers"
- Locate and hire the best lawyer you can afford.
- If you don't have the money to hire a good lawyer, borrow it.
- Choose a lawyer who has a rating from the Martindale-Hubbell Law
Directory, a national, private peer-based review system.
- Be wary of lawyers with full page, flashy yellow page ads. Advertising
can be expensive and a high volume of cases may be necessary to
support them. You don't want to get lost in the shuffle of a high volume
law firm.
- Some lawyers may be motivated by greed and their ego. Stay clear of
them but not all divorce lawyers are crooks or high rollers.
- Choose an experienced lawyer with a good reputation among his/her peers.
Check with other lawyers who do not regularly handle divorce cases
to find out who they recommend.
- Choose a lawyer with a good reputation in your community.
- Choose your lawyer carefully. It is expensive to change attorneys in
the middle of a divorce.
- Since most lawyers will not work for a fixed, guaranteed fee, get a
written estimate of the total fees and costs for your case.
- An aggressive reputation is not a good enough reason to hire a lawyer.
Excerpts from Chapter 3 "Children"
- Don't fight over the children.
- Don't use the children against your spouse.
- Don't try to sway the children to your side.
- Never ask the children to pick a side.
- Try to minimize disruption on the children's lives as much as possible.
Maintain routines and familiar environments whenever possible.
- Keep in mind that children are the most precious asset each of you have
to protect.
- Never speak to the children about your divorce except to let them know
it is not their fault.
- Never speak badly about your spouse to the children. Remember, that
person is your child's other parent too.
- Never put your children into a position of having to make a choice
about which parent they want to reside with.
- Children will always tell you what they think you want to hear.
- Just because your children may express a desire to be with you does not
mean they do not want to be with their other parent equally as much.
- Pay the money necessary to support your children.
- Avoid discussing financial matters with your children.
- Allow your spouse to see the children as frequently as possible unless
there is a real danger in doing so.
- Encourage the children to talk to their other parent as much as possible.
- Reassure the children that you love them as does your spouse.
- Regardless of how much you try to protect them, your children will be
effected by your divorce.
- If you are the primary care parent, keep the other parent fully
apprised of important events involving the children and invite him/her
to attend.
- Do not separate siblings from one another.
- If you are already involved in another relationship, wait an
appropriate amount of time before you introduce that person to your child.
-- Russell R. Moker, A Professional Law Corporation