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(The following editorial ran Sunday, October 15, 2000 in the Birmingham News) John Leo's recent column in the Birmingham News titled "Divorce May Harm Kids Long Term" was right on point. Having endured my parents' divorce as a child, I feel uniquely qualified to describe the pain of divorce and the struggle to overcome it. I believe that my intense focus on the family today is a direct result of my childhood experiences. If anything positive came out of that terrible situation, it was the understanding of my primary goal. In practicing divorce and custody law, I want to help my clients successfully maneuver through the problems and situations that other people have been forced to endure alone. Many people entering into a divorce begin a procession of hurtful actions that forever alter their children's lives. There is increasing evidence that many children of divorce suffer tremendously over the long term. Each divorce is unique, and the various facts, assets, debts and faults of each individual marriage must be considered in its resolution. Anyone who blindly enters into the divorce arena must understand that the consequences of their actions will follow them throughout their life. The toll of divorce on our society has been devastating. Adults become alienated, and some children never fully recover. The ripple effect of divorce on the social fabric of our entire society is felt by many. It is evident in problems at our schools, the incidence of crime, teenage pregnancy and other undesirable situations. The landmark 25-year study of families after divorce, recently completed by family researcher Judith Wallerstein, indicates that these children have the potential for more problems than do the children of intact families. We know these children experience a lower standard of living after divorce because, frequently, only one parent is contributing to household expenses. In response, some states have made divorces more difficult to obtain. Others have suggested mandatory pre-marital counseling. We can feel good that the number of divorces - once 50% of all marriages - is declining in many states. But the sad fact is that no matter how we change the system, divorce is here to stay. And so I return to the critical question, how do we help the children? The key is to reduce the anger of divorce. When parents declare war on each other, kids are caught in the crossfire. I've heard a perfectly responsible dad turn into a raging maniac at the mention of his ex-wife's new boyfriend. And I've seen a loving mother yell obscenities in the presence of her children when the ex didn't bring the kids home on time. The truth is that even parents who despise each other can still learn to make decisions that benefit their kids. In many cities, parent education classes offered by private therapists or non-profit agencies are helping parents see the light. But helping the children of divorce should not be left solely to parents. Those of us who make our living in the "divorce culture" - attorneys, judges and therapists - along with relatives, friends and coworkers, can positively affect the situation. Many professionals have no concept of the impact of a divorce on the family, and the power their advice can have on the family. Sometimes angry parents simply need to hear a conciliatory word rather than rhetoric about an ex-spouse that incites already fragile egos to fits of emotion. Many church or other social organizations sponsor divorce support groups that can help parents through a difficult time. Because of its detrimental effects, I would not encourage anyone to consider divorce unless no other option existed. Anyone contemplating such a move should make use of every resource - marital or individual therapy, substance abuse counseling, pastoral counseling, or the guidance of a close friend or advisor - to avoid the breakup of the marriage. In a perfect world, resources like these would keep more marriages together - and I would practice in a different area of the law. But this isn't a perfect world, and many marriages cannot be saved. If all efforts to save a marriage have been exhausted and divorce is inevitable. A person contemplating divorce should make certain they have taken every step to protect themselves and their children. Remember this: a child is made up of one-half mom and one-half dad. When you tell that child everything wrong with your spouse, you are in effect saying something is wrong with the child. Protect the children by keeping them out of the divorce and they will thank you later. - - John M. Wood, Esq., Wood & Shaw, L.L.C. |
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